Monday, May 16, 2005

Where is my head?

The good news: Yesterday I went grocery shopping and had a good dinner with my visiting friend. We watched "Desperate Housewives" in her hotel room and it was just like old times.

The bad news: I feel like crap today, despite plenty of sleep last night. I have no sick leave so I need to stick it out at work. But feeling like I am about to sink through the floor and barely being able to keep my eyes open is not conducive to productivity. Thus, I have done nothing worthwhile today except answer a couple of emails.

My week, as usual, is insanely busy. I have class tonight, "little sister" tomorrow night (what do you do with a 13-year-old on a weeknight? I'm thinking baseball game or the movies), ushering Wednesday night and I'm supposed to go to a workshop (volunteer thing) on Thursday night. Finally, on Friday, I will take the train to Raleigh, NC so I can attend a wedding. I still don't know how I'm getting home on Sunday (ride with CN? Train?) or how I'm getting to the ceremony on Saturday. While I'm sure it will work out, the uncertainty makes me uneasy. I like to have a plan.*

I don't know what's wrong with me so it's hard to figure what I should do to make myself feel better. Diet Coke?** Home for a nap? Skip writing class? Boy, skipping class sure sounds good. I think I'll do that.

Since telling B1 about the blog and talking to Princess about it this weekend, I've been giving a lot of thought about where I want to go with it and what I want to write. Princess and JenA tell me that I write a lot. Posting every day takes a tremendous amount of time and thought. But I love it and I want to post everyday. While I feel lazy when I do it, I may post more lists and have shorter pieces to give myself a break. Sometimes the snippets are easier on the reader too. I figure a sink-your-teeth-in post a couple of times a week is enough. We'll see how I go.

What I am sure of is that as soon as dating recommences, I'll be writing plenty. I joked to B1 (my oldest brother) when he was here last week that if I never date again I may have to change the theme of the blog. He said, "But that won't happen. You'll date again."

"Presumably I will, but you never know." I said.

"Well, I think we know."

Isn't that sweet? Even B1 thinks there is hope for me. It reminds me of the time he offered to beat up my pseudo-boyfriend (who later became my important grad school boyfriend, vip-ex). I was in NY for winter break and B1 and I were having coffee. I drove to NY with vip-ex, but he hadn't called me since I'd gotten to my uncle's (where I was staying). I was upset because, even though he wasn't officially my boyfriend, he'd said he would call and that we would get together. I was complaining, ruefully, to B1 and also making all kinds of excuses for vip-ex. Maybe he lost my number…he doesn't have my uncle's last name so couldn't look up my number…etc. B1 said, "I don't like this guy. What is his problem?"

"Oh, he has so many problems, I don't know where to start."

"Want me to beat him up for you?" B1 said.

"No, I don’t think that will be necessary. It's probably just a big misunderstanding." I thought it was strange that B1 offered to beat someone up for me. He is not the fistfight type of guy (and vip-ex was, so I wouldn't want to see them mix it up). But, then I realized, he's my big brother and he doesn't like the way this asshole is treating me. He wants to defend his little sister. Kind of touching. I need to remember that B1 is there for me. Trying to keep me out of trouble and always wishing me the best. It's not his fault that he wasn't around that much--we can thank our crazy parents for that.

I think I can blame the rambling, disorganized nature of this post on the cotton ball that has taken residence in my head. Here's hoping coherence returns on Tuesday.

Grateful for: having two big brothers. *I heard from CN and he's got me covered on both fronts. Big sigh of relief. One less thing to worry about. **Diet Coke seemed to help, but I'm still going to skip class, go home and pull the covers over my head until tomorrow morning.

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