Thursday, April 21, 2005

RLDG Part V: Attraction

RealLife™ Dating Guidelines Part V: Attraction.

If you pay attention you can tell if someone likes you. If you are madly in love, the object of your affection probably likes you too. If he won’t go out with you, even if you are certain he likes you and is attracted to you, don't pursue it. There are reasons that have nothing to do with you that are preventing him from being with you. Trying to convince him how he should feel and act is a losing battle. Don’t try to fight it. If your instinct is telling you that he likes you it still does not mean he is your future husband. Even I don’t think My Future Husband is actually my future husband.

I have fallen into the long-term go-nowhere crush. It's ugly. I knew he liked me. I'd call him on my way home from dancing or a party because he never slept and we would talk for hours. He would drive me home after we'd been to the movies and we'd sit in the car and talk for hours. But he wouldn't come in, he wouldn't kiss me and he never called. I started to think he didn't find me attractive (I always go there first), but he told me he did find me attractive on one of those long, late nights. Why couldn't we be together? "Because I would have killed him." His words, not mine. Attraction, even rapport, isn't always enough.

If you really like a guy and he doesn’t call, it probably doesn’t mean that he doesn’t like you. It probably doesn't mean he is not attracted to you. It does mean that he is not going to call you and ask you out. He might be shy. He might be scared. What to do? If I’ve met a guy, we got along like gangbusters, and he doesn’t call after the first two or three days, I will probably call him and “get” him to ask me out or hem and haw my way to a date. This strategy has netted at least one boyfriend, but it was not a long-lasting relationship. While I have no regrets about dating him because he was sweet-as-pie, I have often wondered if I pushed him into it by making things so easy. I wanted him to ask me out, I wanted him to be my boyfriend and I “made” things happen. Obviously, you cannot force someone to drive to your house to pick you up on dates or eat the dinner you cooked or go ice skating or loan you his car so you can drive to Baltimore to meet your brother and go the Aquarium. But, you can be dazzling and charming and witty and bright and make things seem so easy that a slightly weaker (not weak, just weaker) force can get pulled into your gravitational field and get sucked along for the ride. So, you know, don’t do that. Maybe it’s best to just wait for him to call and when he doesn’t, you won’t mind because you’ll be busy going to swing dances, bluestate and taking the train to Baltimore to see your brother or visiting the Aquarium right here in DC.

Grateful for: learning when to let things go and when not to push.

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