Wednesday, March 02, 2005
I do have to ask myself why I persist. Today I felt another burst of energy and I’m determined to send some email to likely Jdate© guys and see what happens. I might as well take advantage of what I intend to be my last paid weeks on the service. Maybe that’s a good plan. It’s still freezing outside and dark at night, which makes outings less attractive. I can work the on-line angle (as useless as it is) until the weather warms up a bit—why not?—and then start getting out to bars and music venues more. I just signed up for softball, which begins in April. I’ll take another class. It is hard to keep up the pace and not get discouraged, though. Maybe...one email a day until I run out of interesting faces. Last night I called a Very-Important-Ex-Boyfriend (vip-ex). It had been at least six months since we’d last spoken. In recent years, I have taken to calling him on a very occasional basis, and sometimes we have a cup of coffee when I visit my home town, where he now lives (drat). We chatted about work for a while, I told him about my burglary (3 months ago), the bust next door (yesterday) and then we took our usual stroll down memory lane. This involves a discussion of our past romantic relationship/friendship and his wrong doings. There was a time when I would have completely supported his self account as the “bad” actor in this story. Now, I tend to take on a share of responsibility, while still granting that he treated me poorly and I mostly treated him well (funny how that works). It’s strange, though, that we always have this conversation. This time, though, he said he couldn’t get out of our unhealthy situation (then) because he knew that he liked me and even that he loved me. That got my attention. I can’t remember the last time the word “love” came up in one of our conversations. Why was he telling me that he (had) loved me? It seemed that he was saying that even before I got the official “I love you,” perhaps even years before, he did, in fact, love me. This isn’t exactly a surprise and anyone who was paying attention, including my friends (who mostly hated vip-ex for how he was treating me), could tell how he felt about me. In fact, his obvious and impossible-to-hide adoration was one of his major redeeming qualities, despite the grey-zone quality of our situation. We agreed that the best times came later when we enjoyed the normal, hanging out day-to-day stuff—making dinner, watching t.v., playing cards with friends. He said, “that’s the hardest part, the day-to-day. Anyone can have a good time on vacation.” I said, “I don’t know, vacation isn’t so easy for me, but our day-to-day stuff was the best time.” (HP can back me up on my imperfect vactioning skills.) Who talks about love with their ex? Not me, dear reader. I would never bring up such a topic. Vip-ex is married. He’s been married for years (4 years? 5 years?). He’s been married for years to the woman he started dating when we broke up. Actually, we broke up because he started dating her. (No knock to her, as far as I know, she’s a great person and I have nothing against her. All of my anger was directed towards vip-ex.) Why did I call him? Ever since I broke up with Jake, I've wanted to talk to vip-ex. I think I wanted some reassurance that I was loveable (I got that). I did not want a trip down memory lane and more apologies. I wanted some advice or insight on why my relationships don't last. Vip-ex is my longest lasting relationship to date. Somehow, I think he has answers for me. But, what I want when I call him is a lot different than what he wants when I call him. He wants to talk to me, but he also wants to relive our past. I want him to help me live my future. Ah. That is a problem. He can't help me with that, now can he? What I want from him, he can't give me. It's not very realistic either. I don't know if I'll keep calling him. I usually enjoy talking to him. As long as I keep it in perspective and I'm not less happy after talking to him, then it's fine. Grateful for: perspective.