Friday, February 04, 2005

Oh Mom!

A funny thing, my mom has been worrying about me. She called about a week ago and said she had a bad feeling. I reassured her that everything was fine and she seemed to calm down. Sometimes it's hard to deal with her and she worries about nothing. Hmm, at least I come by it honestly. I think she also has a hard time being happy. There is always a hint of sadness with my mother. Tears under the often-contagious laughter. I hope I haven't inherited this tinge of sadness as well, but maybe I have, or at least a tendency for it.

Actually, that is sort of what I've been wondering about--am I capable of happiness with another person? There is something inside me that holds back when I start to get close to someone. I feel that now, that kind of contraction, a holding back that starts in my center. I have to let myself be open, but I can't force it. That doesn't mean that this is exactly right for me, that everything will work out with Jake, but it would be nice if it were an option. I don't need to look for problems, if they're there, they can come and find me! In the meantime, I'll do nothing. I'll enjoy myself. I'll feel lucky because I'm dating a cute, sweet, smart guy who really likes me and doesn't hesitate to show it.

At moments, I feel like my happiness is a fraud. I can't quite let myself believe it. I don't want to give anyone, including myself, the wrong impression. But, if I ask myself, is this right? The answer is an easy 'yes.' There is no need ask if it will last forever. It's too much pressure. That's why I'm freaking myself out. I have to let the negative thoughts be there and realize that they will pass, like a rainy day. With me, I think there will always be a little 'no' when I start something because I'm so scared of losing myself. It doesn't matter how wonderful the guy is, partnering up with someone is a risk and it changes things. I don't want to change my friendships or other things about my life. I want to include Jake. I want him to make things even better. So far, so good.

Oh, and he thinks I'm sweet. He really does. And the thing is, with him, I am sweet. I'm not tough and distant and sarcastic. I'm cute and silly…and sweet. Are you sick of me yet? All I can say is that anyone who can bring out that side of me can't be all bad.

But, here I am, three weeks in, going steady even (Jake says, I'm so glad we have an understanding. You're cute. [Hug].), and I haven't said boo about it to my mom. That is crazy. I think I never really told her about the last guy either. You don't go around announcing to your divorced parents that you are dating a separated guy until you know damn sure that it's for real, and, as it never got real with him, it was good I didn't go into many details with Mom. I did tell Dad a bit more because he asked, but it's so rare for Dad to know more than Mom, I can't think of another time that has happened. In this case, with Jake, the big reason not to tell her is that he is Jewish. She will freak out. She will be able to tell it's serious and she won't know what to do. The other reason is that I'm afraid that she's going to hone in on some obvious but up to now ignored vital issue that is the fulcrum of the whole relationship and she's going to plant that negative though t in my head and then I'll share it with Jake and it will infect us and spread into everything we do and I won't be able to take it because she was right again, but why couldn't she just be positive and supportive for ONCE and we will break up and it will be all my fault. Ugh. And if I'd only listened to my mother.... Good lord! What a nightmare.

I have one particular incident in mind that keeps coming to mind. DC boyfriend #3 (DC3) was this very sweet guy who was 10 years younger than me. Those who knew him would tell you that he was a pretty together and relatively mature guy. He didn't have a lot of general knowledge, but he was very bright and engaged. We got along well. He did have a tendency to ask me questions that required long "mini-lecture" type answers so we had this funky student-teacher dynamic that wasn't so hot, but in other ways things were good. I told my mom about him and she said it was fine if I just wanted to have fun, but that I wasn't going to get serious about someone that young. It killed me. I mean, she was right, but not necessarily. It could happen--such things have happened. One would hardly blink at a 33-year-old guy with a 23-year-old woman. But she blinked at us and I couldn't get over it. The whole idea of me having a bit of fun with this guy was so ridiculous, so off the mark, so not me. And, not him either. I did talk to him about it and I still feel sure that if we had been better suited this guy was capable of going there with me. He wasn't looking to sow wild oats or anything like that. But, there were other problems and for whatever reason, I slowly found him more and more annoying and just kind of drifted away from him. Ultimately, I can't blame my mom, but I still feel like she wasn't very helpful. She was so negative about the whole thing and I found it very upsetting. She never seems to realize that she has that kind of power with me. That I take what she says very much to heart. I wonder, has she ever really liked one of my boyfriends? The first serious bf, she liked him ok, but that was relatively short. She liked the second college bf a lot--a lot more than I did, in fact. She just liked him as a person, but recognized that we were a bad couple. The last Seattle bf was probably her favorite (as well as mine…so far!), but she has always been good about understanding why we broke up. We both get sentimental about him in the same way. She tried to like the grad school bf, and I think if we'd continued she would have found a way to forgive him for the bad stuff he'd done and figure out how to get along with him. (My dad met him once and couldn't stand him. That was funny. Grad school bf thought Dad was fantastic; Dad though bf was a sycophant!) I do think Mom made the wrong call on DC3, but she was probably just picking up on my not overwhelmingly strong feelings for him and expressed what she thought was the mostly likely reason. The reason was wrong, the doom was not. So, why am I hesitant to tell her about Jake? Because I do have my little bit of 'no' and I don't want her to grab it and run with it. One of us feeling negative is more than enough. She might not do it, but I'd like to resolve those feelings before I tell her about him. I've dropped at least one big hint that if she'd followed up on she would have at least known that Jake existed. Heather seems to agree that it's for the best that I haven't told her. It's just too much for poor Mom. I don't want to get her hopes up if it's nothing (nor mine!). I know how much she wants me to be happy, and even though she knows I'm happy, she wants me to have that nice husband and those babies because she thinks I deserve it. I'm not saying I don't. If I never get married, I'll adopt, I think. And maybe I would move back to Seattle. And that would be great and Mom would still be happy. But, if I could actually have…I can't say it. Too superstitious! That's why it's probably best not to say anything, at least not for now. I can handle getting my heart broken, but I don't want to break Mom's heart if I can avoid it.

I am grateful that I have a mother who really loves me and has always done her best to take care of me. She is not perfect, but she is a good mom when all is said and done. I love her.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Anonymous comments will be rejected. You don't have to use your real name, just A name. No URL is required; enter your name and leave the 'url' line blank. Thank you.