Thursday, February 10, 2005

Back to the grind

The bad thing about this time of year is Valentine’s Day. The good thing is my birthday, which falls near the end of the month. It does kind of suck to have a break-up right before V-day, and, I have to admit, it makes this mean, nasty holiday just a little bit harder to take. I was already very annoyed at V-day this year. Why does this holiday exist? I mean, if you are already in a couple it’s just a whole bunch of pressure to do something special, and if you’re single, well it’s just a big fat reminder that you are not in a couple, something I think most of us single folks are very well aware of. But, still, I like February, because, no matter how old I get, or how single I say, I like my birthday. This year I’m having a party, something I haven’t done for my birthday for a long time. I’ve only had one other big-type party since I’ve lived in my current place and it is clearly time for another. Originally, I wanted a super-big blow out type of thing, but I realize I don’t know quite enough people in DC for that (I’d guess you’d need to float at least 75 or more invites to get the minimum 40 people to make it feel crowded and busy) and the people I do know are a bit older and not the super-big-blow-out-party types. I’ve scaled down my expectations a bit, and if I can get 20-30 people there, I will be happy. I still haven’t figured out what kind of food I’ll have—I want to make dips and hors d’oeuvres of some kind. Buying the liquor won’t be hard, but I have to come up with some kind of schedule. I’ll worry about that next week.

Those of you reading this will want to know about any more Jake fallout. It’s been less than two full days since we last spoke and I haven’t heard from him, nor have I tried to contact him. I have decided it’s over. Not that the faint prospect of him popping up again hasn’t occurred to me. I don’t know what I would do if he called. Probably talk to him. I doubt he’ll call, so I haven’t spent much time running that scenario. I’ve also been tempted to immediately reactivate my Jdate© profile, but I know I should take a break, so I’m going to wait at least a week, or maybe two, and see how I feel then. That is the question, when to date again...damn if I don't feel ready RIGHT NOW.

I’ve been reading trashy (but delightfully fun) novels, eating greasy food, and trying to go to sleep early. I’m still sick—my cold came back with a vengeance this week—but I’ve been to work everyday this week, and I’ll be here tomorrow, because I have no more sick leave! Maybe it’s for the best though, leaves minimal time for wallowing and maximum time for routine life to envelop me. My week is keeping me as busy as a bee. Alumni reception last night with friend, Spanish tonight, NOTHING Friday (sleep will do me well), real estate jaunt Saturday morning, lunch with long lost relatives later on Saturday, movie or videos Saturday night (sola, unless I hear from C-money), Sunday with “little sister,” and Sunday night answering public radio pledge drive phone calls. I’m already tired.

Now, it’s not like I’ve been doing a lot of thinking or reflecting. Often I don’t in the aftermath. I need a little time to regroup. I feel a bit raw and I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t have much to say. I drift between feeling like a fool and being rather angry at him. I know I’m not a fool and I know he’s just troubled, but what I wouldn’t give to be able to let him have it somehow. Maybe by yelling at him? Or hitting. Hitting has a certain appeal. Yet, my mind doesn’t stray there too long, because I’m back to…WORK.

Right, believe it or not, I’m getting tons of work done, more out of necessity than anything else. I have been really beating myself up lately for my inattention to this job, but I realize that when I do work, I still do good work. So, I’m catching up, helping people, doing what needs to be done and there is some satisfaction in that. Still, the work itself is not doing much for me. I’m not that interested, I am bored, and I’m not learning that much anymore. My complete adoration for my boss and my great fondness for most of my co-workers is not going to make up for the disinterest in the substance of what I do forever. But, until I figure out what else I would like to do, I need to stick it out and try to get the most I can from it. And not be such a slacker that I feel guilty all the time.

Ah, it is a great luxury to be at a secure, well-paying job where you are respected even when not giving it your best. I can certainly be grateful for that.

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