Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Darn feelings

My anxious head has started talking. I’m starting to wonder, do I like Jake? Does he like me, and if so, why? Silly. We have plans for Wednesday night. I initiated them. I beat myself up for being too aggressive. Then I thought, if he can’t take it then he’s not for me.

I’m trying hard not to have decided anything about this yet. And, while the absolute last thing I want to do is meet new guys, I set up two back-to-back Jdates for this Sunday. It’s a little silly and it won’t be fun, but I have to do it. Why, you may ask, do I have to? Jake is such a great guy, such a sweetheart, so kind, patient, funny, why do you need to keep dating other guys? Well, I would say, Jake may be all of that and he may not be for me. I need to try and keep seeing Jake for who he is, not who I want him to be. By dating other people, it helps me see him more clearly and maintain perspective. The whole point is not to rush things, not to over plan, over anticipate. Maybe we’ll keep going and it will be great, but maybe we won’t. The signs are very good and encouraging right now: I’ve never have any nerves around him (except for the kissing), we haven’t argued or had any misunderstandings, and I like him better every time we see each other. That is all good and I am getting to know him better. That’s all I know for sure. The only problem with these other dates, besides my absolutely not looking forward to them, is that it feels unfair to the other guys. Am I really there in good faith? Not entirely, but I’m trying. I’m trying to be open to other possibilities. I’m trying to not make up my mind about Jake and find myself committed to someone without knowing him. I want to know him before I decide if I want him for a boyfriend, and then…what happens, happens. It feels like a lie to say I haven’t decided if I want Jake for a boyfriend. I guess I have decided, but I’m trying to talk myself out of it because I haven’t known him long enough to make that decision.

Last night (Tuesday) it was all I could do not to call him, even though I knew I was going to see him tonight (Wednesday). I managed to resist by distracting myself and, possibly, also by understanding why the need to call him was so strong. I knew, if I called, I’d be asking him for reassurance. But reassurance about what? That he’s going to stick around and be a good boyfriend? That he still likes me? Well, I can’t ask him the first question and I know the answer to the second. I also know that when I make such calls I feel worse than I did before making the call. Living with the pain of the uncertainty is better than attempting and failing to end the uncertainty. There has to be uncertainty now. There will always be some. I have to learn to live with uncertainty and doubt and not kill the potential relationship in an attempt to eliminate it.

What is becoming clear to me is that little of the worry, anxiety and doubt I’m feeling has to do with Jake and anything he’s done. Jake is the inspiration for these feelings, but they have very little to do with him. It’s all about me (isn’t it always?) and how I react to guys I like a lot. Wow. That is good to know and definitely something to be grateful for. I feel better already.

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