Monday, January 31, 2005


On Friday I went swing dancing with CK, as we had many times before. I was exhausted because I hadn't gotten enough sleep the night before. I wasn't really looking forward to it. I got there right as the general dancing started and I was off…and I had a great time. I was expecting, perhaps, not to enjoy myself so much because of Jake. Like, I would be missing him, wanting him to be there, and not liking the other guys. But, that's not how I felt. How I felt was I was enjoying myself. I love dancing. I danced a lot. I wasn't interested in any of the guys, but I still had a great time. I think, in the past, when I've had a boyfriend…wait, I'm getting a bit ahead of myself. Usually, having a bf does not mix well with dancing. I stop dancing. No bfs have been dancers or interested in dancing. I did meet one bf salsa dancing, but it was his first and only time there. I took a dance class with another one, but we only went to one actual dance. I tried to get him to practice, but he got angry when I gave him instruction, so we stopped. I'm sure I was not helpful, probably too negative and critical. But he couldn't stand that he didn't automatically pick it up. Anyone can learn to dance, but it takes time. You have to practice and it does not feel natural at first. It's even harder for white, American guys. There is some perceived loss of masculinity involved in partner dancing. Strange, because in other cultures, dancing is a totally sexual thing and very much to the man's advantage. It is here too, but our white guys have a really hard time overcoming their early anti-dance or dancing is feminine training. Anyway, some time ago I gave up the need for any boyfriend of mine to do the dance thing with me. I always figured it would be a bonus if he wanted to learn or try it out, but I didn't want to be the teacher because it always went poorly. A more recent bf actually got very angry with me when we tried to practice together, so I refuse to be the teacher.

When I went dancing on Friday night, I wasn't thinking about Jake. But then, I thought about him a little and wondered what it would be like if he were there. Would he be jealous? I didn't think so. Then I wondered what it would be like to dance with him. I wasn't sure. I don't know if he's clumsy--probably not. He is somewhat shy and might feel self-conscious. I don't even know if he would want to try. Or if it's something I want to do with him. I don't even know if I want to ask him. But, another "good sign" was that I had a really good time without Jake and I didn't miss him. Him in the background of my life contributed to a better night out, not a more anxious night out. Very good sign.

1 comment:

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