Tuesday, January 18, 2005

A calmer option

I realize that I was too limiting when I said boredom or drama were my two dating choices. After going out with Jake, I realize that I left out the third and too seldom exercised option: calm contentment. Some really nice boyfriends of mine (most of whom, unfortunately, I didn’t love) had this quality (when I wasn’t picking fights with them): 1st Greg, Seattle Doug, Brad, even Stupid Greg. The main fear I have with Jake is that he isn’t bright enough for me. Now, maybe this is a non-issue since he’s certainly far from stupid. I don’t need all of that alluring (and distracting) banter. I need someone with whom I’m at ease, who brings out my better nature, not my bicker nature. I want someone who inspires me to treat him well without even having to think about it. I’m a much happier person when I’m being nice to those around me. It’s just easier with some people than with others. Of course, I misbehave around my good, close friends from time-to-time, but certainly nothing like all the time. Heather has managed to forgive me my moodiness on our various long driving trips, when close proximity to a good friend started to drive me batty (would close proximity to a stranger have been better? Seems unlikely.). I have issues with close proximity that have very little to do with the other person.

I am grateful for the patience of my close friends and relatives who continue to like me after being subjected to my unprovoked grumpiness from time to time.

See, I need more of these calm, accepting, loving, fun and happy people in my life. I need no more of the antic, manic, possibly brilliant, but more likely crazy, people. I find those types hard to resist, but I’m getting better at recognizing them and at recognizing that they are not good for me. This is the struggle. I know I can be happy with the other type, the neither boring nor dramatic type, I just have to let myself.

A little PS. Today I was starting to feel pretty smug and satisfied that MrF was out of my life for good. I thought, my very clear and only friendly intentions put him off and he’s moved on to other, greener, pastures. Unfortunately, no such luck, as I got another completely oblivious email from him today reassuring me that he is buying the next book, bringing a friend to the next meeting and might have time for a movie next week. Oh dear. I supposed another cowardly non-response is required here as well. Or is more direct discouragement required? Suggestions appreciated.


  1. I think it is possible to have a 'calm crazy' sense. Sometimes I think I'm smarter than Steve but then he whips something out that is completely out there and way beyond my comprehension, and then I'm reminded that there are differing intelligences for different interests, things, etc... Of course, he's smarter than me RIGHT NOW because he's in bed. And I'm on the computer. (Who's the dummy here?) I have met people as friends that I totally didn't give credit to - and now a few years later they're not completely different people, but certainly surprised me in ways I didn't anticipate. I don't know if this relates to Gary or not but thought I'd share.


  2. I think my fear is more based on other people's perceptions. That is, I'm worried that other people may think he's not smart enough for me. It was an issue with the 1st Greg many years ago. In that case, though, I think I absorbed his worry that he wasn't smart enough for me. I think he was just fine, perfectly smart, and that wasn't our problem. Our problem was that I didn't like him enough. I'm fully prepared to accept someone with different strenths than me. My real worry about Gary is that there is no there there. He seems a little absent, but it could easily be shyness. This is a case where I need to allow myself time to get to know him and don't create a fantasy reality in front of actual information.


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