Friday, August 27, 2021

Good

The good news is that I'm feeling better. I wonder about all my crazy mood swings. They seem more extreme than in the past. Is this a hormonal deal? What a drag. 

Jimmy and I had a huge, pointless fight yesterday. I wasn't even really angry at him, just frustrated and overwhelmed with all the things I need to do, can't do, and want to do but don't have time for. Today, we seem fine, I feel better, and he's his usual chill self. 

I've been telling myself that I have to choose this relationship. That I have to lean into it, enjoy it, appreciate it--accept it. I'm going to keep trying. 

Grateful for: the end of the work week. 

Wednesday, August 25, 2021

Trying

I have to admit...I'm not that happy. I am often frustrated with Jimmy. I cannot seem to get on the same page with him. I am grateful that he puts up with me and sticks around. No one has ever done that before. But sometimes I just don't get him. I am tired of having to be very specific and correct when I ask him to do things. I am annoyed that I have to ask him to do so many things that are normal household tasks. I cannot tell if I'm overreacting, if this is normal, if this is a result of being with only him and basically no one else for 1.5 years (!!!). Objectively, he is a thoughtful and generous person. He is socially awkward. He gets too buried in work and he doesn't always listen to me. He isn't perfect. But I tell him, every day can't be a rough day, which is how he describes most of his work days. If every day is equally rough, what does that mean? He gets annoyed if I ask him a question at the wrong time, but how I am supposed to know what the "right" time is? Sometimes when I ask for his help, he gives me answers I can't understand. I wanted his help to rent a shared van. He said, "it's not available most of the morning or afternoon but we can get one 5 miles away." Um...what? I say, "when is it available?" Not in the morning. Ok, but WHEN? Turns out, it's available after 4:30pm...so why not reserve it then since I have no particular time frame?  Why not ask me more questions about when I need the van or give me enough information so I can decide if the timing is feasible? This is so many interactions with him, where I'm feel like I'm begging for more details. And when it's something more personal, I get an answer like, "I'll do better." When I ask what that means, specifically, I'm met with shrugs and silence. Is this normal? Is this bad? Will this get better? 

Grateful for: a chance to write. 

Friday, August 20, 2021

Running

One of the frustrating things in life is that I never get to the end of my "to-do" list. If I take a do-nothing day, there is inevitably some guilt about leaving things undone. Right now, I am facing the normal amount of things anyone has to do, plus unpacking. Even when I take few minutes off from work (or many minutes) there is still no way to get everything done. I think if I had a full two weeks off, and a lot of encouragement from someone with great unpacking ideas, I might get close to the end of the unpacking. But Jimmy is for sure not that person and I'm not ready to take two weeks off and hang around the house. But why not? Why not. I have that urge to go--bike, travel, Ikea (haha!), movies, shopping (food!). Or I want to just sit and knit and watch tv/movies (maybe even read). Reading does feel like a big accomplishment these days. I'm doing a lot of light reading and slowly working my way through "The Color of Law," which you must read. Even though it covers a lot of stuff where I have expertise, much of it is new and the framing is excellent. It's also incredibly depressing but also well-written and pretty easy to read. That's all I have for today. Keeping it short and sweet!

Grateful for: time to sit and write. 

Wednesday, August 18, 2021

Weird

I had given up on pandemic blogging, especially as the pandemic seemed to be winding down...but not so fast! We started going to the movies and restaurants. Especially in the week after we moved in to the new house, we were eating out every night! That gets old after a while but it was a good way to learn a little more about the new neighborhood. As we unpacked and were able to get some groceries in, Jimmy started cooking again and I could scrounge something for lunch. Sometimes, a take out meal would get me three meals for one. I didn't have a big appetite the first couple of weeks. Some was stress, some was just not getting my normal amount of exercise and not being super hungry. 

I actually went to the movies by myself a couple of times, to see things Jimmy wasn't interested in. Even though we're not in DC, we are closer to two major theaters, so that's pretty great for me. And if I don't feel like taking that walk or bike ride, everything seems to be streaming. 

This morning, I did yoga for the first time in months. That felt good. The rain is hard and heavy this week, making biking more challenging. I do feel like I'm starting to get into a routine. Routine can be dull but it can also be comforting. I need to get that base-level comfort back, even as the world hovers on shutting down again (and what about the places that still don't even have access to the vaccines?). Everything feels uncertain but work goes on. The house is getting more home-like. We are doing ok. 

Grateful for: being fully vaccinated. 

Monday, August 16, 2021

Alive

Well. Yes. I am still here. I am fine. I am fully vaccinated. I am working from home at the same job. My parents are alive and my mom is well and safe in Seattle. My dad's Alzheimer's is now advanced, he is mostly non-verbal and bedridden. I went to see them both in May 2021 as soon as it felt safe to travel. I had some tension with B1 about all kinds of things, which doesn't feel completely resolved, but we talked. 

The biggest news of all (?) is that we moved. I sold the condo. I cannot fully believe it even though we've been in the new house for a month. This move was one of the hardest times of my life. I was very low and despairing. I do feel better now. We have unpacked probably 90% of the living spaces. There are some books in the attic. Jimmy has occupied the basement (per our plan) but is slowly getting it sorted out. We didn't go far--just across the DC line to Silver Spring but the change in location caused me a bit of an identity crisis. This blog goes back to the early days of when I moved to the condo. It didn't feel like I would ever leave. The neighborhood completely changed around me. I loved so much about it, despite all the drama with the neighbors. But--I closed on Friday and it's a done deal. I cannot go back. The new neighborhood is quieter but still an easy walk to a "downtown" area and a metro stop. It's hillier but still bikeable. I am starting to feel ok with it. We are starting to cook and really "live" in the house. I got yard furniture--the back yard is big and grassy, with some nice trees and a little landscaping at the edges. We have a small porch and a sliding glass door that opens on to it right from the dining area. We have 1 1/2 baths! Lots of little things and some big things to do...but it's all fine. It's all working out. And it's all mine. 

Grateful for: a new house and a good life. 

Saturday, April 25, 2020

Same old

It's harder than you might think to keep a pandemic diary. Life has a certain sameness to it. Not just in the sense that time blends more seamlessly now but also in the sense that my life hasn't changed that much. I still have to work. I keep a more or less regular schedule. I goof off--but I did that at the office too. I sometimes start late due to exercise or end early to take a bike ride or join a virtual yoga class. (Aside: I had three yoga classes left on a ten-class pass so I used them in one week due to procrastination. Not a fan of live virtual yoga but it wasn't terrible. I may do it again.) But some days, I work a normal, full day. I worked pretty much all day yesterday because I got into a groove with a project and made a lot of progress. The big changes for me are no socializing, no movies, and no coffee shops. Sure, I went to museums and theater every few months, and I miss that too. I didn't go to bars often--though I still had my birthday celebration in a bar this year.

My plans for exercise are more ambitious than I have been able to fulfill but I'm still doing something most days. It's more like two bodyweight workouts a week and two bike rides, but that's better than zero. Other days, I take a walk, and often bring Jimmy along. He complains but then is happy to be out walking. We're doing a pretty good job limiting our grocery store runs to about twice a week and only one store each time. I got really antsy on Wednesday and made a quick stop at Whole Foods and picked up a sushi lunch. That felt kind of normal. Usually we cook (Jimmy cooks, I help), but once or twice a week we get carry-out and more rarely, delivery. I've been baking bread about once a week, which is something I've always meant to do but never made the time for. Now it's easy to fit into a normal workday and doesn't take up much time on the weekend. The weekends are a long bike ride one day, a long walk the other. Maybe a big cleaning job--we have washed most of the windows and Jimmy mowed the lawn two weeks ago (time to do it again!). We also weeded the back patio and cleaned the back parking lot a few weeks ago. Then the weekend is also watching a lot of movies on the Criterion Channel or catching up on a tv series. Life for us isn't bad. In some ways I don't want it to change. I get anxious when I think about going back to my normal commute. I am a little frustrated with myself that I'm not doing more biking. I was hoping to use this time to get in better shape for a full bike commute someday. But I've read and I agree that we shouldn't put too much pressure on ourselves in this time of uncertainty. We don't know what's going to happen, when it will end, how things will change. Trying to change ourselves in the midst of that kind of tension is perhaps too much.

Grateful for: about as normal a life as could be expected.

Friday, March 20, 2020

Pandemic

I just read that we should keep a journal during this time. Seems like a good time to get back to the blog. No promises about keeping it up!

Before getting into my documentary mode, the big news is that "Jimmy" moved in with me in January. We definitely had some bumps and we're still having them, but we are working things out. Overall, I like having him around. He is a good person and he cooks. I just got back from a trip out west to see my folks (Seattle then Oakland) and while I was gone I realized that I don't love all of his recipes--but I talked to him about it, calmly, and he's already made adjustments!

I got back to DC on Monday (3/16). The world has changed so rapidly in just a few days. My company rolled out an optional work-from-home plan on Thursday. They were really focused on billable hours and I was really troubled. I knew this was all going to shift quickly. Jimmy's company said they'd be working 50% from home on Thursday. I just laughed and said give them an hour and it'll be 100%. Sure enough, within an hour (or two), it was 100% work-from-home starting Monday. By Monday, my company changed their tune as well. And so on and so on...

One of the new resident cats "help" me unpack.

Jimmy was almost an hour late getting me from the airport on Monday and I was so upset. It took quite a while for me to settle down. He was sorry but couldn't articulate a sincere apology. That just made me more upset. Sigh. On the way home from the airport, we stopped by my office so I could rescue my plants. I also picked up a few other things. A special chair I brought to work, a book, a journal...who knows when we'll be back. Oh, wait, I know! Next Tuesday I'm supposed to go in to pick up my new laptop. The company is going all laptop. I am supposed to go straight to my office where the laptop will be waiting. I do the set up, which takes an hour, then leave. Technically the office is open but with only a skeleton staff. When we go in we're supposed to avoid the conference rooms and only talk on the phone if we need help from IT. Maybe I'll bring a little spray bottle of rubbing alcohol and water to disinfect my desk area. I'd love to bike in...we'll see if that makes sense. I may end up driving.

As to the world on the ground, we went on a quick grocery run Tuesday morning. Whole Foods is next door so that's where we went. Rather more crowded than a typical Tuesday at 8am-ish. A lot of empty shelves in the cleaning supplies aisle but plenty of produce and other staples. Fresh meat and poultry was cleared out but we shopped the vegan meats with no problem. I got yogurt, fruit, and few other things. We're fine for at least a week. In fact, we got carry-out food the next night.

New range! Planned long before the current crisis.

On Wednesday we took a long walk around the neighborhood and down our main street (H ST NE). Lots of places were closed. Some where open, but per the Mayor's order, only for carry-out. We took note for future reference. We are making a list of all the places we like for eating out and plan to order once or twice a week. I also bought a gift card for the Jose Andres restaurants.
Sign from PowPow--a vegan fast-casual place.

Starbucks has cleared out all their furniture.

Yesterday, Thursday, I went for a bike ride in the early afternoon. About 45min, 7 miles. I saw a few people around. More cars than expected but fewer than usual.

Daffodils
Bartholdi Fountain

The two new resident cats! (My sweet Tabitha died about a year ago.)
It also got really warm on Thursday, so we opened up all the windows. The cats loved it!

Right now, both Jimmy and I are working from home. We're getting stuff done though I am way less productive than usual. That has nothing to do with where I'm working but rather the state of the world right now. I am so glad I'm not alone though! Hang in there everyone.

Grateful for: a partner in these uncertain times.

Friday, October 18, 2019

Long time

I thought I hadn't posted for a few months. No. More like ten months. Geez. I'm still dating the new guy. Poor dude doesn't even have a blog name! I want to say "Jimmy" because our real names have some similarity, though not quite that much. He's really not a Jimmy but we can go with that for now.

I love having a boyfriend. I admit it! The public facing aspect is fantastic. I know it shouldn't matter. I've been pretty much at ease with traveling through my social world solo for approximately the last decade. I was often frustrated. I wanted more, but I made the most of my freedom and did what I wanted with my time. Now I have a boyfriend and it's good! We are a good team. He is at my place more often than I'm at his and he cleans up and helps me out without fussing and often without even being asked. I do more fussing at him than I would like but the roughest spots we have are mostly smoothed out. I am mostly happy and things are mostly good. He is as sweet, kind and generous as always. I think the thing that gets us in the most trouble is that he never says what he wants--it's always about what makes me happy. Why, you might ask, is that a problem? Well, it means that he never makes a decision or voices a strong preference--what movie to see, where to have dinner, what to watch on TV, when to go to bed even!--so it's always on me to decide the little things and it gets overwhelming. I want to honor his desires--but he's so used to self-abnegation  that half the time he doesn't even know what they are--or claims not to have any. Seems like a weird thing to argue about, but there you go. Also he still sometimes trips into mansplaining, but we don't fight about it anymore. And so much apologizing about nothing--my strategy is to either say "you're welcome" when he apologizes unnecessarily or ignore it. This has led to him saying "you're welcome" to me when I apologize! I am trying to come up with a different more nonsensical response so we can go back to using "you're welcome" for its original purpose.

I have met his ex-wife--she is a cool, interesting person. I have met some of his relatives in upstate New York. Everyone loves him and it was great to see them show him so much affection. Jimmy is a good person and I am lucky to have him in my life.

Work continues. Mostly fine, sometimes frustrating. I think if we had universal health care, I might quit! But it's good to have something to do and sometimes it's even interesting.

I am biking a fair amount. Yoga seems to go in phases. I'm in a non-yoga phase now since I used up my last pass and I'm about to go on a 10-day trip. I may start up again when I return. Of course, I could do a home practice...and I should.

Life is pretty even now. The world is mad but I'm not!

Grateful for: things being pretty good.

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

Resolution

It's true, I don't make resolutions--at least not for New Year's. I often do resolve to make exercise a routine or cook more at home. Those two "resolutions" are always in play in my life. Generally, over the last year or so, I've done well at getting some daily exercise as part of my normal routine--whether it's walking to and from the metro or biking part of my commute. I am trying now to make yoga a bit more of a regular thing. It's really hit and miss on that one. I had a talk with the bf about this because he does a regular yoga practice. He doesn't exactly encourage me to do yoga or to adopt his practice and I can't figure out why not. Well, I take that back--he is encouraging in general for me to do some kind of yoga but almost discouraging when it comes to his kind (Astanga).

Speaking of him, I continue to be exasperated with him. In fact, I finally got him to show his frustration with me the other day. It was kind of weird to see him "angry." He was really tired of my snapping at him (he's not the only one!) and told me that I needed to be more confident. Me! Ha! One of the things that I fuss at him about that is really trivial is when he explains to me how to do something that is blindingly obvious. I feel "mansplained" and I tell him to stop. He was telling me that it's a nothing that I should just ignore and it doesn't mean what I think it does. I think that's probably right but I also don't know how to make it stop bothering me. And I also don't know how to stop caring that he doesn't actually pay attention to things that are happening right in front of his face. Or when he texts about the minutiae of his day but never, ever asks about my stuff. Or how much stuff I have to remind him about. He's really good at times about taking my needs and desires into consideration and other times, it's like he hasn't heard a word I've said. Pretty sure that's very normal and some of this is just getting used to being in a relationship.

At the same time, today and yesterday I started to feel very blah and down about the whole thing. Like I want a break. I want my life back. Yet he hasn't impeded my life at all. He is around about as much as I request...and if I have a plan, I can make it without him and he would be just fine with that. He's not jealous of me or my time. I think I am more jealous of his time because he gives (or wants to give? he still hasn't started fully back to his practice after the disruption of his move and possibly the introduction of me into his life) so much of it to his yoga practice. It's generally an early morning thing and that leaves him super tired all the time and he really doesn't seem to accept/believe/register that he's in a constant state of sleep deprivation. I dunno.  I'm having a ton of doubts right now. I have wanted a real relationship for so long...and does this mean that I need to work harder? We're not really a good match? I don't really want a relationship? I need to be patient and continue to let things play out? Heaviest of sighs.

Grateful for: a little snow and plenty of time.

Monday, December 31, 2018

Happy New Year

I started this blog right before New Year's Eve over a decade ago. I just checked--it was December 29, 2004! Wow. It's a good time to check in.

Traditionally, I hate NYE. I have made some peace with it over the years, heading to a local bar for a drink or just doing nothing. This year, I have a boyfriend! And we have no plans. I suggested we go see a free art installation at the Yards Park, which involves lights. I think it will be fun and we'll be home before 10pm. Maybe I'll make him stay up. Or not. It doesn't matter.

We had a most relaxing incredibly lazy weekend that involved doing almost nothing. I'm sure we'll both go back to our normal relatively active routines in a few days. Work has been very slow--or at least I've been slow about actually doing any work even though there is work to do.

I've had a variety of frustrations with this new bf. Yet it was such a calm easy weekend (plus) that I feel much better about everything. He is so "there," so present, that it's very easy to be with him. He came with me to Oakland and that was good. He is very quiet but just slipped into the family time like it was nothing. Everyone left him alone and he did start to loosen up and talk a little. But there he is, calm (or anxious underneath), and steady, and not going anywhere. I think I'm not going anywhere either.

Grateful for: a good start to a new year.