Saturday, May 26, 2018

Well...hello

Here I am. I literally forgot about the blog. Forgot to write. Forgot to be grateful. I am very focused on improving my other habits but in the meantime, I’ve completely dropped what used to be a central habit in my life. Weird. Anyway. All goes well. I rode 50 miles last week and I’m on track for 50+ this week. This seems like a good pace for now since I’m starting to rack up some overuse injuries. Then again, I will probably push my luck and take a long ride tomorrow. Either 20ish on my own or 35 with a group. Will see how I feel. I have a late night (for me) tonight and I may just want to ride at my own pace tomorrow. Or save the long ride for Monday, which is a holiday—yay!

All that to say, work is going a little better. I’m a little more focused. I’m also just staying in most weeknights and eating at home—and even cooking most nights. Simple—like a steak or chicken breast and salad. But it’s good and I’m satisfied. This week, I actually met an old Seattle friend (Brian) for a drink after work. Caught him on FB in town for work. I invited my friend, — (what should his name be?). He came, which I didn’t expect, and we all had a good time. — was in a great mood, was really friendly. We seem to be getting closer and I’m not sure what to make of it. I really value his friendship and I can see he is making an effort to be more emotionally supportive. We’ve known each other about three years now and it’s hard to imagine things without him. He’s so ingrained in all my daily goings. He texts me everyday, so much so that when he doesn’t, I notice and I miss him. I started reflecting on all my past close friendships with men...there have been several important ones. And how sometimes it was clear it was not going to become romantic (Shawn); how we kinda sorta tried, tried again, and then timing made it impossible (Mike); and how I was rejected out of hand before things got started (K, A). I mean, I have a lot of reasons why — would be a bad romantic partner, but now the idea is stuck in my head and I can’t stop wondering if maybe I should give him a chance. He made a half pass at me about 2 (?) years ago and I rejected it very gently. It took a bit of recovery but we moved on...but was that a mistake? I thought he regarded me in a family/friendly way—almost a mother figure (ugh), but I also know that’s not quite true. I don’t know. Even writing this makes me feel a little crazy. I wonder if my ideas about relationships are too fixed...I have this idea of who my guy would be, — doesn’t fit that. But so? So what?

Speaking of dudes. I saw the Musician last Saturday (so a week ago) and I made a huge hash of it. Things with us have always been pretty clear to me. What he’s capable of giving and what I should expect. I haven’t always been satisfied with that, but I’ve mostly been reconciled. Yet, last weekend, I pushed a little and he freaked the f—k out. Dude. I don’t want to marry you! But, yeah, I don’t want to marry him, so why couldn’t I leave well enough alone? He said he had to think about it and I’ve left him alone. Ok, I texted him a celebratory pic when the hockey team won their playoff game because he’s a big fan—but that was it. He didn’t respond (expected) and I won’t be too surprised if I never hear from him again. Perhaps it’s for the best. 

Everything else...is fine. I’ve been moderately productive at work. I’m in a better mood. I’m feeling strong even though I have all these little aches and pains. I need to take the cat for dental care, I want to visit the bike-fitter...it’s all going to happen. 

Grateful for: new good habits. 

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Terrible

So many false promises to myself! Ok, I've been itching to talk to someone about a few things and FB just won't cut it for confessions about my absolute ineptitude at work. Yes, I exaggerate. Mostly I am not working. When I work, it's fine, I do a reasonably good job. The rest of the time, I just sit staring at my screen unable to stop distracting myself with articles, videos, and FB. I did probably get a solid hour of work done today. That's something. I roll in late. I want to leave early. I often stay late and continue to be unproductive. Also, I would like to read some books. But I would also like to knit and watch tv. Or have the tv on while I play a stupid game on my phone. Giving one single thing my focus is Very Hard. I am biking a lot. Last week, about 50 miles. Week before, 80 miles! 80 was a lot and I was very tired the following week. This week I'm aiming for 50. Then maybe I will work up to 80, then 100! I can do 20 miles in a day without too much damage, which is good. I've been on this kick since the beginning of the  year, when I did a challenge to ride at least a mile a day from Jan 1 through March 19. I did it. My weekly totals steadily inched up the entire time. I've also started tracking my food...total pain...but it helps. I'm not trying for any special food regime, just keeping the amount reasonable. The exercise and diet business is like a job on top of my job. I am cooking a little more. I'm going to the grocery store and buying food to cook--fewer prepared foods and frozen meals, though hardly zero. This is all good and positive, though I am perfectly healthy as of my last physical--at test normal. Except that one thing that I don't want to care about.

Dating. Dating. I can't even with the dating. I had what seemed like a great date a couple of weeks ago and then he disappeared. Hadn't gotten his phone number...no particular reason...and then he unmatched me. Bizarre and upsetting though I am fine. Had another date with a decent person and we went to the movies on Sunday. He is ok but now I think he might be more interested than I am. I was hoping for friends...but we'll see how it plays out.

I guess I've never been quite as keen on work as all this personal nonsense. Or is work the nonsense? I am just longing to take a big chunk of time off...weeks or months or something. I want to stop and relax and ride my bike all the time. And maybe read all those damn books.

Grateful for: a job where I can be a slacker at least for a while.

Friday, May 11, 2018

Forgot

Yesterday, I forgot to post. I remembered but then decided it was too early in the day and I would do it later. And then I forgot. So here I am, trying to figure out what I should be grateful for. Yesterday, I worked at home and I did work pretty much the full day. I had plans in the evening but then B2 (brother) called and I got lazy and skipped my plans. I wasn't meeting anyone, just going to an event in the neighborhood that sounded fun, but oh well. B2 wanted to borrow money to help pay off the bills from his youngest daughter's divorce. She was only married about a year--about a year ago! It's for the best and I sent him the money on the spot. He paid me back last time when I lent him money for the wedding. Will he pay me back this time? I mean, that would be nice, but I can afford it and what am I saving it for anyway? Am I becoming the bank of B2? Sigh.

Grateful for: making some small adjustments to my folding bike that made the ride a ton more comfortable.

Wednesday, May 09, 2018

Remembered!

I almost forgot, but here I am, trying to be grateful. Today I worked from home. It's my tutoring day so I saw my little student. She is a hoot but we did hardly anything of the lesson. She is amazed that I have been to all 50 states and said I could be famous! Sure, why not? I have been biking A LOT and I was so knocked out yesterday, yet ravenous. So today I just took it easy. I had some terrible neck/shoulder pain last night but I am feeling a bit better today. Hopefully tomorrow will be even better.

Grateful for: recovery, if slowly and a day away from the office. My student who I always enjoy seeing.

Tuesday, May 08, 2018

Why?

This blog exists as a gratitude journal and as a semi-public journal. I'm going to try using it for the gratitude part first. For a week. Every day, for a week. What? No. Will this be real? We'll see.

Grateful for: finding time to cook food I like and riding my bike a lot more these last few months. Using the bike to meet some new people seems to be happening in a real way and I'm tentatively excited about that.

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Hello

There are some certainties in life--one is that every time I make a resolution to post more often, I will break it. Another is that every time I promise not to apologize for posting so rarely, I will apologize. Who exactly am I apologizing to? Myself, I guess. There was a time when this blog was so central to my life. Like, if I went on a date with someone and it started to be a relationship, I felt I had to confess about the blog. Hundreds of people read it and parts of my life were unfolding in semi-public. Not so much anymore.

The other day, I had a date with a guy who I've seen off an on since...I think early 2015. That's crazy, right? We get along well and I always enjoy hanging out with him. There've been long breaks when I didn't hear from him and we've even had a few little arguments. Somehow, I don't think he's ever made an appearance on the blog. Maybe he did, but I've gotten very loose with the pseudonyms. I think I used three different ones for the same guy recently! So...we can call him "the musician." That's what he is and explains some, but not all, of his behavior. I let it slip that I had a blog and he got curious. He really wanted to read it--to get my perspective. I think he'd likely be bored especially since he's not featured at all. And who wants to read a blog about all the other people your not-gf is dating? But if he ever does read, "hi!"

As to life. Work is slow and a little dull. On the upside, I'm not crazy stressed. I spent four weeks out west in September/October and it was pretty hard. Dad is functional but not great. He can still navigate ok but his conversation is limited and he returns to the same topics over and over. I was in Seattle for about five days and it was fine--good even. I came home and after three days was laid low by a virus for almost four weeks. I'm finally starting to feel normal and contemplating a quick December trip back to Oakland. I'm already tired.

Grateful for: a quiet time.

Sunday, September 03, 2017

My life

Well I managed one post during the week. Maybe the trick is to start small. And the obvious answer to the question of where all my blogging went is “Facebook.” I think I’ve figured this out before, but everything old is new again. This week was moderately productive at work, but more productive in my personal life of tasks. I did a lot: took my car to the dealer to fix something on a recall (the hinges on the back gate of all things); brought my book to the used bookstore (FINALLY); gave away my old TV; gave away a pet carrier for my bike (I have a better solution now);  and gave away the old red sofa. Oh—and visited my friends who just had a baby! I also ordered new covers for the heating vents—only two, just to see how I liked them, but I’ll be getting a few more, though I’m really stuck on the horns of indecision about which ones to get. The bike I fixed up a few weeks ago went back to the basement (sigh)—now only two live in the house and one is the folder. Gave the other bike out on a (hopefully) permanent loan. I’ll sell it if it comes back. I did nothing about my files. Maybe I should have a bonfire.

Today I thoroughly cleaned the kitchen floor (disgusting) and lightly cleaned the walls. I also took out lots of recycling. Moved the bench I’d had in the kitchen to where the old sofa had been in the living room. That meant moving my shoes to the closet and elsewhere. I need to get rid of some shoes but I really do wear all the pairs I have at least once a month so it’s hard to pare down. I still have to get some stuff at the drug store, order cat food, take out the garbage, clean the counters in the kitchen, and clear off the dining room table. But all those tasks are sort of “regularized.” Oh, I also made a vet appointment for the cat and a dentist appointment for myself.

Last week, I also rebooked my tickets for the trip I’m taking out to California/Seattle in September. I realized that it made sense to book a longer trip after I talked to Nancy about it. Every time I talk to Dad he asks me how I like my job, if I’ll stay at it, and what do I want to do instead. He suggests that I travel. Then he asks how old I am and realizes I’m too young to retire. We’ve had this conversation every time we’ve spoken for about a year. I asked B1 if Dad asked him about retiring and he said no. When I talked to Nancy about it she said, “he wants to spend more time with you.” Duh. So I started thinking I should go out there for a full month. I already had the September trip planned (it’s to attend the a wedding of a cousin) so I checked to see if I could extend it. I checked with the airline and for $150 (the change fee) I could rebook—and actually get a credit because my new trip would be a little less expensive (but the credit will be applied to a future trip, which is total bullshit). I checked with Mom. She understood and was fine with the change. I checked with my stepmom, Susan. She thought it was a great idea. I confirmed with my boss that it was ok for me to work remotely for that long. Then I rebooked. I’ll be out in CA from Sept 14-Oct 5 and then in Seattle until Oct. 10 (hey Amanda—I’ll be in touch!).

I know this trip will be hard. I can do it. Dad needs me. Susan needs me. I’m going to do what I can.
How do I let go of the life I always had in mind for myself that’s obviously never going to happen? How do I embrace the life I have, with all it’s imperfections and joys? That’s the other thing I’m thinking about today.

Grateful for: getting stuff done.

Monday, August 28, 2017

Good morning

I’m giving this bizarre “regular blogging” thing a go. At least I am today! The weekend was pretty uneventful. I was still tired and pretty out of it so I stayed close to home. I went to the farmer’s market on Saturday and then tackled the job of re-hanging some of my pictures in the living room. When I got the new TV and new furniture, I moved everything around and the art didn’t work where it was anymore. This is a job on my long-term list. I’ve been crossing things off and this was the next one. The first one I tackled was pulling my oldest bike from the basement, cleaning it up, and taking it to the shop to have a broken spoke repair. I did that a few weeks ago. That bike may be destined to go back to the basement, but at least it's rideable now. Also on the list—take the books I’m getting rid of to the used bookstore to sell and take my car to be fixed because of a recall notice. Those things are happening on Wednesday. Other things on the list:
  • Get rid of some of the shoes I don’t wear (I wear most of them occasionally, but it’s too many pairs)
  • Sort the old files I brought back from my old job. Some of those must be disposable.
  • Sort some of the junk living in my back room. I have a big organizer but it’s full of stuff I haven’t looked at in years—old cords, old maps. Some of the stuff is worth keeping but could be handled in a more “space saving” manner.

The files are the stuff of my nightmares, but they’re on the list and I will get around to them eventually. I feel a little better having the pictures mostly sorted out—I have to do some minor adjustments, but it’s more or less right. Friend Nancy came over for dinner—we went out—on Tuesday. She came back over on Saturday to help me with the pictures but we just hung out instead. Sunday, I did nothing. Well, I did some laundry. I did a lot of knitting. I did a lot of tv-watching (movies mostly). I did a lot of relaxing. I am still tired. I always feel tired. I don’t know if I’m sleeping poorly or just bored. I think I slept pretty well last night. I even decided to do the bike thing today. I carried the folder in on the train and I think I will ride all the way home. Last few times, I only rode half-way, but it was a lot hotter those days. Today it should stay under 80 so I think I can make the ride without getting too exhausted.

I also have a short-term list...but more about that tomorrow. 


Ok, now it’s time to get back to work. Get to work. Something like that. 

Grateful for: good biking weather.

Saturday, August 26, 2017

Daily pages

I keep thinking about the blog. Most of the people I started with--the people I met through blogging--stopped long ago. Or they changed their blogs and I didn't keep up. Or they are once-a-year posters similar to me. I read something recently about how as a writer it's a good practice to write three pages a day, first thing, no judgment, no purpose, just words on a page. I tried once. I don't know what I need or what my aim is. Then today I thought, the blog is my "three pages." It's where I go to put things down and sort things out. It changed over the years as more people, including friends, started reading. I had to tailor things a bit. I had to abridge and elide. I don't think that's the reason I stopped writing at all. A lot of things changed that made it harder. I know I slowed down before Paris, but I did keep up a pretty regular blog there, which is good. 

 When I got home, I was adjusting, finding my way back to my routine. Then when I really got settled, work got busy and hard. I still don't think there was on incident that marked the end of regular blogging. I would like to make this my space for just clearing my head again. I know I'm kind of going in circles--still wondering what I should do with my life, still wishing I had a steady relationship. I don't know why these things are never resolved for me. I've been told now by two different dudes that finding a partner happens when you stop trying. Well, if I haven't stopped, it's pretty damn close. But how do I stop *wanting* it, which is really what they mean. I don't feel desperate and i think if I were, I could've had a boyfriend by now. I have rejected many men who wanted something more than a merely casual relationship. I am picky and always have been. Does being extremely picky mean I relinquish my right to complain? I know it's tiresome and basically never-ending so I think that I will try and stop. It does me no good and it's seriously boring. I will renew this blog with the hope of getting back to a more grateful place.

I do find my life pretty routine these days. It's not boring and it's not exciting. Everything is very even. Somethings are hard--like my dad. But most things just...are. This actually seems not so great but it could be so much worse. I just came back from a few days in NJ. Visiting B1 because my oldest nephew (from Israel) was there with his wife and four kids. I took them all around for two days totally on my own. Completely exhausting. On Saturday, I took myself to Manhattan and walked ten miles. Then on Sunday B1 and I took them all back to Manhattan and walked another 6+ miles. I got home on Monday and I've been completely exhausted and barely able to work ever since. I did get a little done; just enough to keep things moving. I'm so tired to day but managed to drag myself to the farmer's market and sit here in my coffee shop for an hour. Then I'll drag myself home and station myself on the couch for the rest of the day. 

Grateful for: knowing how good I have it.

Friday, May 26, 2017

On topic

I don't even know where to start. Life keeps rolling along. How do I slow things down? When do I figure out what I really want to do with myself? When will I get what I want? Ha. Ha. Ha.

Yesterday, I had a kind of a break up. A fellow, John, who I've been seeing off and on for over a year cancelled our plans and then told me it was all my fault for asking too many times when we were supposed to meet. The crazy thing is he told me I'd be much happier in a steady relationship--that I should go and pursue that and then maybe we could hang out platonically. (Turns out he was thinking about getting back with his ex--who is the mother of his child--but way to bury the lede dude.)

I was pissed, as you might imagine, but what was bizarre in all that were the not so deeply buried compliments. He seemed absolutely sure that if I "changed my mindset" I'd find a man. Also, that he liked me enough to remain friends. I'm not even sure which of those sentiments I find more far-fetched. I got pretty upset at the idea that my lack of a steady relationship is the result of a "self-fulfilling prophesy." We tussled about that over text for hours, which is insane because we rarely spent that much time in conversation over our entire whatever-ship.

Am I exuding a hostility so toxic that it explains why I don't have a boyfriend? I feel...pretty open and relatively optimistic most of the time. It seemed pretty harsh on his part to insist that I was taking things too hard and shouldn't be feeling so much right in the middle of our break-up. But really, he never once said it was something inherent about me or my physical attractiveness that he was rejecting. That he'd even float being friends (even if I don't believe it will happen) says he likes me as a person. I knew we were never going to develop into a "thing" and that part is fine. But did he actually like me a little more than I realized? I dunno.

I do know that over the last many years, whenever I have met a guy who seemed open to something more "serious" either something went terribly wrong (remember the dude who ended up in the hospital?) or I ended up rejecting him.

I do feel cursed and sometimes unlovable. I have grown to doubt that I will "end up" with someone and that makes me sad when I think about it. I don't think about it all the time everyday, of course, but it was weighing rather heavily on my mind last night. Today, I texted John to point out he never apologized for breaking our plans. He promptly did and we've had a sort of jokey back and forth all day, where he again pointed out that he was confident I could accomplish my "opposite sex related goals." Where do I find these guys?

Grateful for: the confidence of others.