Today I thoroughly cleaned the kitchen floor (disgusting) and lightly cleaned the walls. I also took out lots of recycling. Moved the bench I’d had in the kitchen to where the old sofa had been in the living room. That meant moving my shoes to the closet and elsewhere. I need to get rid of some shoes but I really do wear all the pairs I have at least once a month so it’s hard to pare down. I still have to get some stuff at the drug store, order cat food, take out the garbage, clean the counters in the kitchen, and clear off the dining room table. But all those tasks are sort of “regularized.” Oh, I also made a vet appointment for the cat and a dentist appointment for myself.
Last week, I also rebooked my tickets for the trip I’m taking out to California/Seattle in September. I realized that it made sense to book a longer trip after I talked to Nancy about it. Every time I talk to Dad he asks me how I like my job, if I’ll stay at it, and what do I want to do instead. He suggests that I travel. Then he asks how old I am and realizes I’m too young to retire. We’ve had this conversation every time we’ve spoken for about a year. I asked B1 if Dad asked him about retiring and he said no. When I talked to Nancy about it she said, “he wants to spend more time with you.” Duh. So I started thinking I should go out there for a full month. I already had the September trip planned (it’s to attend the a wedding of a cousin) so I checked to see if I could extend it. I checked with the airline and for $150 (the change fee) I could rebook—and actually get a credit because my new trip would be a little less expensive (but the credit will be applied to a future trip, which is total bullshit). I checked with Mom. She understood and was fine with the change. I checked with my stepmom, Susan. She thought it was a great idea. I confirmed with my boss that it was ok for me to work remotely for that long. Then I rebooked. I’ll be out in CA from Sept 14-Oct 5 and then in Seattle until Oct. 10 (hey Amanda—I’ll be in touch!).
I know this trip will be hard. I can do it. Dad needs me. Susan needs me. I’m going to do what I can.
How do I let go of the life I always had in mind for myself that’s obviously never going to happen? How do I embrace the life I have, with all it’s imperfections and joys? That’s the other thing I’m thinking about today.