I don't even know where to start. Life keeps rolling along. How do I slow things down? When do I figure out what I really want to do with myself? When will I get what I want? Ha. Ha. Ha.
Yesterday, I had a kind of a break up. A fellow, John, who I've been seeing off and on for over a year cancelled our plans and then told me it was all my fault for asking too many times when we were supposed to meet. The crazy thing is he told me I'd be much happier in a steady relationship--that I should go and pursue that and then maybe we could hang out platonically. (Turns out he was thinking about getting back with his ex--who is the mother of his child--but way to bury the lede dude.)
I was pissed, as you might imagine, but what was bizarre in all that were the not so deeply buried compliments. He seemed absolutely sure that if I "changed my mindset" I'd find a man. Also, that he liked me enough to remain friends. I'm not even sure which of those sentiments I find more far-fetched. I got pretty upset at the idea that my lack of a steady relationship is the result of a "self-fulfilling prophesy." We tussled about that over text for hours, which is insane because we rarely spent that much time in conversation over our entire whatever-ship.
Am I exuding a hostility so toxic that it explains why I don't have a boyfriend? I feel...pretty open and relatively optimistic most of the time. It seemed pretty harsh on his part to insist that I was taking things too hard and shouldn't be feeling so much right in the middle of our break-up. But really, he never once said it was something inherent about me or my physical attractiveness that he was rejecting. That he'd even float being friends (even if I don't believe it will happen) says he likes me as a person. I knew we were never going to develop into a "thing" and that part is fine. But did he actually like me a little more than I realized? I dunno.
I do know that over the last many years, whenever I have met a guy who seemed open to something more "serious" either something went terribly wrong (remember the dude who ended up in the hospital?) or I ended up rejecting him.
I do feel cursed and sometimes unlovable. I have grown to doubt that I will "end up" with someone and that makes me sad when I think about it. I don't think about it all the time everyday, of course, but it was weighing rather heavily on my mind last night. Today, I texted John to point out he never apologized for breaking our plans. He promptly did and we've had a sort of jokey back and forth all day, where he again pointed out that he was confident I could accomplish my "opposite sex related goals." Where do I find these guys?
Grateful for: the confidence of others.