Sunday, January 31, 2016

Where am I?

Back in the day, I used to read a lot of blogs written by local DC folks and many of them were dating blogs. I still read blogs but most of them are about knitting or bicycles these days. Pretty much all of the DC blogs have closed up shop and all of the dating blogs I followed are done. Maybe there are new dating blogs out there but I haven't sought them out. I wonder if this blog has also died--it's certainly dying of neglect. I still hesitate to officially close or even re-brand because, sad to say--or maybe hope springs eternal?--I am still dating. I've had a couple of near misses with would-be boyfriends. I've rejected many potential suitors and all the ones I had an interest in rejected me. That's ok. I don't really regret any of those near misses. I don't look back over the last 5+ years of dating and think, "that one! If only things had worked out with THAT ONE." If I look further back, yes, there are a handful of men I think I could've had happy long(er) term relationships with. But even of those, there is maybe only one who I could've been with if I'd made different choices. I made those choices for a reason, so while I have some regrets, I know why I did what I did.

I've been dating pretty steadily the last year or so and I started keeping a list. The name, the date,and something memorable about him or the circumstances. Enough to a trigger the memory if I wanted to write it up. It's something I read about someone doing while she was online dating. It hasn't really helped me find Mr. Right but it is good to keep track. I wish I still met people in my day to day life, but online seems to be where it's at. Oh well. Better than nothing? Would it be better if I just went out to bars more often? I dunno.

I had a date on Friday. We went to a movie. We talked a bit before the movie started and he said, "Do you think it's worse to reject someone or to be rejected?" I said, "It's easier to be rejected but it feels better to do the rejecting." He didn't hear the second part of the sentence and said, "I just had to reject someone and I hate it. I hate confrontation." Well, that was enough to for me to think we weren't suited. I haven't heard from him since so he may have drawn the same conclusion--and if he never calls me again, then no one will have to actively reject anyone.

It made me think though, because I hate doing the rejecting. I hate it. But it feels better in the end because you know why you did it. You know why you didn't like him and there is no mystery. When I'm rejected, it's easier because I didn't have to decide--and deciding is a huge burden--but the mystery kills me. I hate not knowing why. What exactly was it about me that he didn't like? My looks? Did I talk too much? Was I judgmental, pretentious, ignorant? What was it? What did I do? Don't you realize that I'm a huge catch? That I'm one of the smartest most interesting people you will ever meet? How can YOU reject ME? Heh. Ok, I don't usually go that far in my inner monologue. But when I kinda like the guy and then I never hear from him again, it will niggle at me for several days. The good news is that I'm really good at letting it go. I accept the silence, I don't ask for an answer, and I move on. I've learned to let it go because the answers are never helpful. It's either really about him or it's something I can't or won't change. It might even be something that I've been trying to change for years...but all I can do is make tiny, tiny advances...and will probably never completely resolve. Learning to be a supervisor, I often say you have to meet people where they are. Same goes for relationships. And if someone doesn't like where I am, then we're both better off going our separate ways.

And, speaking of dating, I had a date with someone else on Saturday. We've been in "negotiations" for a while. He's not really available (trust me), but we have a good companionable text thing going on. We met for coffee a few weeks ago and I thought we were done, but the texting kept going and I got more engaged. We met again yesterday and we had mostly a good time. But...how do I explain? He has made it clear that he wants to be friends and that's where it ends. Fine. But we meet and I know, I know, that he wants to be my boyfriend. I feel it with a kind of certainty but I don't think he realizes it. This guy just needs a hug. He hasn't had a sincere hug for a really long time. Even I am not that bad off. And I don't know how I feel about him. I'm kind of rolling with it because there is something there...something I'm getting from talking to him. But I don't think he can give me what I want, not completely. He can give me a little and I'm taking it but in the long run it won't be good for either of us. I think I will just have to pay attention and make sure I'm not causing either of us real harm. Yeah, I can do that.

Grateful for: good neighbors who did their fair share of snow shoveling.

2 comments:

  1. I started reading a number of DC-based blogs about ten years ago. Some linked to each other, some were featured in DC Blogs. Just about all are gone now, save yours--even DC Blogs has not been updated since last summer. You should continue as long as you find this enjoyable or otherwise useful to you, but I will miss your writing when you eventually decide to quite or fade away.

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  2. Oh wow--I haven't check on DC Blogs in ages. I guess blogs do have a lifespan. I don't know--the idea of quitting seems almost impossible to me yet I do keep fading away. When I write, I still get something out of it, but it's just not hoppin' around here like it used to be. I'm not ready to close up shop quite yet!

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