I am feeling a little better today. Not sure why I got so gloomy. I would really like it if things would "work out." But what does that mean? A good job? A different job? Materially, I'm doing fantastically well--I am being greedy to want a relationship too? What's sort of funny, though, is that a big career (mine is small) was never one of my goals. What were my goals? I don't really know. I've never had a long range plan. I picked a goal, and worked towards it. I finished college. I went to Europe on my own. I was a VISTA. I finished grad school. I got a government job. I stayed on the rowing team for a long time...longer than was reasonable. I went to Machu Picchu. I went to live in Paris for 7 months.
I've done a lot of things. I chose something, and I did it. Years ago, I remember telling a fellow PhD student that if our goal had been to get married, we'd be married. I pointed out that we had (probably) accomplished most everything we'd ever tried to do. PhD students are almost by definition overachievers. I'm pretty sure she is married now, though we didn't stay in touch. I think...I've thought for a long time that my goal was to get married (or have a long term relationship), but maybe it's not? Because, if that were really my goal, why would it be so hard to achieve? Ok, I know why--and it's got something to do with my unwillingness to instrumentalize relationships. (And not being willing to marry someone just to be married--that has probably been possible, but not something I can do.) And I'm crazy picky on one hand, but too tolerant on the other. I just roll along in these situations that I find interesting but ultimately unsatisfying. But what the heck do I know what about what would make me happy?
People just assume that I'm living the life I want. That I prefer to be single and I don't want kids. Not true, not even a little bit. I do try to make this a life that I like because it's the only one I have.
Huh. That's not less gloomy at all! Well, wish me luck on the interview. Maybe I will manage to achieve my goal of earning less money.
Grateful for: a little less gloom.