I'm facing a serious temptation to do something very stupid. Or maybe just wrong. Or maybe it's stupid because it's wrong. But how do I overrule my desires? I'm generally not an impetuous person. I have a PhD after all, which is basically an exercise in delayed gratification. I told myself I could exit after the MA, but in my heart I knew that would never happen. I was going to finish what I started. It took a long time, it didn't make me very happy, but I got it done.
Have you heard the reports about those studies where they put a
marshmallow in front of a little kid and tell them that if they wait a few minutes
to eat it, they can have TWO marshmallows? The kids came up with all kinds of
strategies to avoid eating them. They sang to themselves, turned their backs to
the marshmallow, pretended it was a picture--but some kids couldn't wait and
ate it anyway. I wondered which kind of kid I was so I asked my mother. She
said with no hesitation that I would've waited. That felt right. I was all
about maximizing the amount of candy available and if that meant I had to wait
five minutes to get more candy, I would've waited.
Given my capacity for restraint, why, in my personal life, do I so
often fling myself headlong into situations that are completely doomed?
Sometimes I've enjoyed these situations. Other times I've deeply regretted my
actions. I've also gotten my heart broken more than once. I am more resilient
these days and I can see more clearly where the problems lay. And yet, I want
to venture once more into this doomed arena. I want to feel those feelings.
Maybe that's it? The doomed but passionate romance of my role models
playing out over and over again on a much smaller scale? Ugh. Am I really
Right now, the urge to say no is very strong. I want to jump off
that cliff and damn the consequences. But...maybe I can wait. Maybe I can just
slow this train down a little. And maybe if I can manage that, it will allow
some time for reason to catch up with passion. But even if it doesn't, I know
Grateful for: the tiniest bit of self control.
PS You may have glimpsed very briefly another version of this post where I say I'd lost the content. I did lose it in ScribeFire (we're done!), but I forgot that I cut and paste the content into Word to do a spell check. Whew!