Thursday, December 05, 2013

Nothing

I spent the last week in Seattle mostly not fighting with my mother. We had a few tense moments but we got through it ok. I saw the two friends I always see and none of the ones that I half thought about seeing. Mom wants me to move back. I don’t object. A question is whether my new job could be transported to the west coast. I spent a lot of time working. All but one day, I put in time writing an editing a report. When I’d done as much of that as possible, I read an article. I meant to do more, but that was about what I could handle. I  thought about writing for the blog, but I couldn’t quite do it.

Each morning, I would take the dog for a walk—usually pretty short but a couple of times about 30 minutes. Then we’d stop for coffee—I took him into the coffee shop and he sat at my feet and made friends with everyone else.  I had a coffee and sometimes a biscotti and sometimes nothing. I usually brought the computer and did a little work. I would continue the work back at Mom’s at least for a little while.  I didn’t do my PT exercises in any regimented way but I did a couple here and there, at least one or two a day. Not enough.

Ah, boys. There is a story about a boy but it’s pretty boring. I had a date with someone the day before I went home for Thanksgiving. We had a good email exchange before we met. He’s a happy good natured person, which is very attractive. When we met, he was much as I expected. We got along well, but I didn’t feel drawn to him, though he was pleasant and easy to talk to. I got nervous because I could tell he was more attracted to me than I was to him—and I talked even more. When we wrapped up, it was raining very hard and he offered me a ride home, which I accepted. At the car, he tried to kiss me. I had to say no. Also, during the date, he was touching my hand and my leg a lot. I guess if I’d liked him, I wouldn’t have minded. I did have to stop him a couple of times. (Reading this, I realize he was too aggressive, but it wasn't threatening.)

Since I’ve been away, he’s texted me once or twice a day. I always responded and we exchanged a few lines. That was it. Once or twice I initiated the conversation. But why? I don’t know if I can force myself to like him though I wish I could. One thing I don’t know if I can get over is that he decided, irrevocably, not to have children when he was in his late 20s. Could we really have common ground? I mean, I get that not everyone wants kids—and clearly some people have always known that about themselves. But, people do change their minds and he didn’t give himself that option. I have always wanted kids…and even if it doesn’t happen for me, adoption could, step-kids could, but not with this guy, not ever. Is that who I really want to be with?

All this non-dating is bringing me down. It feels so hopeless. My romantic life can’t be over, can it?  Am I really fated to be single forever? I guess there are worse things.

I am hoping that with the new job, which so far is delightful, I will be a happier person and that alone will make meeting people and getting out there easier. We shall see!

Grateful for: getting back to my own bed.

3 comments:

  1. I've known probably since college that I didn't want kids, but I never did anything about it, and my husband hasn't done anything either. I don't think I'll ever change my mind but I guess the option is still there, though getting less likely every passing year. I think that if you probably want kids, if he definitely doesn't, that's a perfectly reasonable deal-breaker.
    Anon11

    ReplyDelete
  2. A belated congratulations about the move. It won't be a panacea, but I suspect that, as when I moved from a very bad boss to a very good one, gradually everything will start to look better. I think your last paragraph is spot on.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hmm...it is his choice then, if he wanted or not wanting kids...but maybe it has changed? Being a woman, having kids is very important, so it's possible that his confession of never wanting children created a barrier in your mind.

    Maybe you should have a chat with him about it, to see if he's still open to changing his mind (assuming you'd like to pursue something with him)...if not...move on...

    ReplyDelete

Anonymous comments will be rejected. You don't have to use your real name, just A name. No URL is required; enter your name and leave the 'url' line blank. Thank you.