Friday, June 14, 2013

Sigh

Things really seemed to be on an upswing for a minute, didn't they? The down is no fun and I don't feel like writing about it at all. In the old days, when I wasn't in the mood to post, I'd make a list--let's do that now, shall we?

Today is a furlough day, so I have loaded up on errands again. What I've done so far (and it's just after noon as I write):

  • Taken the cat to the vet. In fact, I rigged up a way to carry her on my bike:
  • In the pic, the cat is in the bag on the front of the bike! I cut some holes near the bottom of the bag, which is her official carrier, threaded bungee cords through the holes, and strapped it to the rack. Crazy. I think for this to work correctly, I need a hard-sided (or at least stiffer-sided) carrier. She didn't cry any more than usual. The vest is less than 1/2 a mile from my place and this makes a lot more sense than driving her. It's just a little far to carry a 12 pound cat in a shoulder bag.
  • Taken the car for it's 7,500 mile service. The car has 3,900 miles on it.
  • While waiting for the car, got a manicure. I am an unregenerate nail-biter but for the last two (or three?) weeks, I've completely stopped biting my nails. I don't know how it happened--but I read something recently that said that nail-biters are seeking order. Something clicked. Being able to understand why I did it, and forgiving myself, made all the difference. Well, at least for now. I've gone a few weeks without biting but it never lasted. The thing I read suggested getting regular manicures. Now, I'm too cheap for that--but maybe once a month? It's not very expensive. And I will still keep the nails short--and use a clear polish--but it's nice to have a little control. Hmm...maybe that's the explanation.
  • Eating and drinking--duh.

What has gone wrong:

  • I'm clearly not getting the job. They never called me back for a second interview.
  • The detail isn't emerging. I don't think it will. I have to decide when I'm leaving.
  • That whole great guy thing? Died. So depressing. Regarding that, I talked to a work friend about it and she said, "He wasn't ready." Yes, that's what I'm going to have to go with. The connection was just a bit too intense...and, well, let's not try and read his mind? Suffice it to say, I am certain I won't be hearing from him again.
  • My mother is angry at me for not calling so she has told me not to call. Super heavy sigh.

 

All of this leads to a lot of "poor me" thinking and feeling really rejected and misunderstood. That's funny, right? I feel terribly, terribly misunderstood. By my bosses who don't respect me, by my mother who wants me to be a different person, by that stupid dude who couldn't get on board.

Objectively, I know it's not true. At work, I have people who are so kind and grateful when I give them my time and input. I have friends who agree to go see "Anything Goes" with me--and they don't even know what it is! I have a cat who...loves (?) me--well, I have a cat who I take good care of, which brings some satisfaction. I also have friends who are as shocked as I am about the dude, my mother, and the work nonsense.

I'm also really loving my new bike--it's so much fun to ride. I'm taking a 3-session photography class next week to refresh my skills. I'm still enjoying knitting. I have a job offer on the table and I'm pretty sure I'll be activating it.

Things aren't terrible and I'm sure I'll feel better soon, but I sure haven't been very happy this week. Is it ok if I spend the rest of this beautiful day at home watching Game of Thrones?

Grateful for: friends and perspective.

 

2 comments:

  1. I'm sorry about the things that are going wrong, but I am excited about the open offer that you're going to take. I remember reading your posts when you were first mentioning it, and it sounded great. Maybe you devalued it a little in your mind when they told you it would stay open? Either way, I hope that switch (or the manicure, time with friends, whatever) gets you back on the mental upswing -- I totally know how much it sucks when it feels like it's all going wrong. Sorry pal! Reread your grateful thoughts before you go to bed tonight or something, there's plenty of good there!
    Anon11

    ReplyDelete
  2. I can only second Anon11's wise and empathetic thoughts here. Best wishes.

    ReplyDelete

Anonymous comments will be rejected. You don't have to use your real name, just A name. No URL is required; enter your name and leave the 'url' line blank. Thank you.