Thursday, June 06, 2013

Dynamics

I'm finding it weird and awkward to write about dating again. I'm super sensitive to the possibility of someday showing the blog to this new guy--which means that I am way out ahead of myself.

I've been giving that some thought...with some guys, I go right down a path of thinking about what it would be like to bring him around to gatherings with my friends, how we could do such-and-such thing together, etc. (Sometimes, this exercise makes it clear that I'm not suited to the guy in question.) I have done a bit of that, but I am trying to be circumspect. For example, I'm probably going to have a 4th of July cookout this year and I found myself thinking, "oh, I could invite him!" Then I thought, "I am doing that thing where I project into the future based on very little information. It's ok, just not real." Thinking about the blog representation isn't nuts. This guy may not stick around, but if he does, I do need to be careful about what I say. That's why I'm going light on details about him. I will, rather, talk about how I'm feeling. It will be bad if he reads about my feelings later, but oh well. (I mean, maybe it won't be bad, but this is really my inner turmoil and rather independent of the person in question--it's also not necessarily indicative of my depth of feeling or actual levels of craziness. A decent guy can tell the difference, but it's a lot to ask.)

How I'm feeling--still pretty happy but also a bit anxious. This is my normal way of reacting to situations of suspense. Even when I don't like the guy very much, when I have the desire to see him again, I get caught up in the waiting. I wish I knew how to get out of that mindset. 

The good news is that yesterday, I waited to hear from him, and I did get a text. Excellent! I followed Nancy's advice and gave him a chance to show me that he's interested. My impatience would usually have me text/call first, but I did wait, and he did text. It was a positive message, saying he had a great time and wanted to see me again. Sweet. I wrote back right away and said the same thing. Then nothing for a little while. I sent a two word follow-up. And...nada.

He wrote (in part) "I'm looking forward to getting together again" but then failed to follow up with either friendly chatting or specifics. The note assumes we will see each other again and...see what I'm doing? TOO MUCH.

Nancy said not to text him again, to "make him work for it." I have to say, I don't like that way of thinking about things. This is supposed to be fun, not work. We--he and I--are in it together. That is, we like each other and want to see each other again--no need for him to prove that to me. I already believe it. Which is why the lack of follow through is both maddening and probably not terribly meaningful...but still, it introduces a sliver of doubt, which I'd rather not have. Then again, if it was all super easy right now, what fun would that be (don't answer)?

Let's go back to the historical record, shall we? The fellow who I probably still consider my best boyfriend was someone I dated back in Seattle a million years ago. The beginning of our relationship was really easy--we were on the phone all the time (those were the days!). He would call me, I'd call him; it was all perfectly reciprocal in the first couple of weeks. But one time when I was expecting him to call, he didn't. And I waited and waited and got very upset. I think I even shed some tears! Finally, I called him--hours later or the next day?--and he was absolutely stunned that I was upset. He had no idea that I was waiting for his call. He assumed that if I needed to talk to him, that I would call. The point isn't that I'm more mature now, since I still get pretty knotted up when boys don't call (text, email). The point is more that if one of the kindest, most considerate, most loving men I've ever dated, had no idea that he was doing something that upset me, he probably isn't the only one.  The lack of follow up text most likely means nothing; and if it does mean something (bad), I'll know soon enough.

Regardless, the benefit of the doubt is in order, and I'm extending it. One possibility is that he thinks we already have a tentative plan for Sunday, when I get back from a trip I'm taking over the weekend. I have no idea if it's true, and infering people's thoughts is a terrible idea, but it makes me feel much better. Relaxed, even. So, whatever works--if it keeps me calm and anxiety free, why not believe it? 

Grateful for: an alternative mind set.

PS With all the words I produced for this post about nothing, you wouldn't think I'd have any hestiation to write about dating again! I guess old habits...

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