Friday, June 07, 2013

Classic

Classic over think. I messed this one up and it's probably not recoverable. I can see how it all went wrong and I worry when things go this wrong so early on, it's not possible to get over it. I wish I could just say, "let's clean slate this." but it's probably too late for that. I feel really stupid. Really stupid. But it's just so me--so impatient, so eager, so...something. Yet, what I did wasn't terrible and totally forgivable--and maybe it will be forgiven. Maybe it doesn't even rate forgiveness, just a good night's sleep and some forgetting. I don't know. But my chance to lay back and wait is gone--now I have to lay back and forget.

So, what happened? When we left the story, I was waiting for another text. I'd talked myself all around it. I made a rather serious misstep, one that I was actually too embarrassed to tell you about. After he wrote to me, I wrote back once...then twice...then a third time. It's the third time that did me in. The second text was a simple, "I'm glad we agree." Not a big deal. Time passed--maybe half an hour--and I didn't understand why he didn't write back, thus the third message, "aww...don't leave me hanging." I was trying to be light and I couldn't write, "Hey, please write back and have a bit more of a conversation with me because I'd like to talk to you and we could make plans or not make plans, either way would be fine." That's what I meant, not, "make plans with me now or else!" Later events prove that he didn't take it well or humorously. I can see it was a mistake. How was he to answer? His text wasn't meant to start a conversation, rather to confirm interest and just check in. But, how was I to know that? Well, so, that was Wednesday.

Yesterday (Thursday), I went over and over this exchange. Unhealthy. Obsessive. Good gravy, I need to learn how to stop doing this! Talking to folks, writing about it, I decided that I could send him another message letting him know when I'd be back from my trip to NY/NJ this weekend. He'd asked about when I was getting back so I figured this was a chance to connect and maybe make plans. I planned to send the message after work--or maybe not at all if I could resist.

I had dinner with a friend and told her a bit of the story. She said, "you must text him now!" and that's all the push I needed. I sent him a short message, saying when I was getting back and asking if he wanted to meet for dinner. Then, nothing. I got home. Nothing. Four hours later, nothing.

I don't know why I did it, but I logged back into the dating site. There he was, with another broadcast message about having a crazy day, being out at a certain bar, and wanting to meet someone for a beer. (This is a bit different and less suggestive than the message I responded to, but still.) My heart sank. I felt ill. I knew what I should do, but instead, I texted him. "Crazy day indeed."

He responded. He said he'd had a bad day, was trying to unwind, but was heading home. I said I was confused. Then he wrote something a bit longer about how he meant what he said about wanting to get together, something about his unsettled schedule, and that he was caught by surprise with the "pressure/urgency/?" of the "leaving me hanging" message...and again an explanation that he was tired and grumpy, and a goodnight.

I did respond--said I was sorry, there was not pressure or urgency, just some over eagerness--and that was it. I wish him well and hoped he'd cheer up.

I just...don't know what to make of it. Obviously, I shouldn't have written to him that last time. It was too much. I got much too wrapped up in something that wasn't even something yet. Lord, I wish I were more sane! I have been crazy emotional recently, and something about this guy really triggered a whole rush of emotions for me--not only elation, but quite a bit of sorrow too. After I sent the text while I was at dinner, and he didn't answer for over an hour, I got sadder and sadder. Yes, I was very disappointed that he didn't respond--but it was more an overwhelming feeling of despair about having such terrible luck with relationships. Having so many lousy boyfriends, boring or terrible dates, and generally feeling hopeless about the whole enterprise. All of this was laid at the doorstep of the nascent relationship with this poor guy, who has his own issues anyway. How's he to know that I really don't expect anything from him--I know better than that. But my actions were easy to misinterpret, and, in fact, betrayed all my good intentions.

So, I have to give up. I won't write to him again. If I am to be taken at my word about there being no pressure or urgency, I have to leave it alone. Yes, this is hard. All I can do is assume it's over. Whether or not what I did was really terrible isn't the point--it made him uncomfortable. He may decide to wash his hands of the whole matter. And, well, that's his prerogative

Hey, but let me try and find some bright side. While it was awfully difficult to find someone with whom I had such a great connection, extra super short as it was, I did find him. He can't be the only one.

Grateful for: I'm not really sure...but I don't feel nearly as terrible as I did yesterday, so that's something. (This is also classic me--better to get out early than face failure. Nice work.)

4 comments:

  1. It seems like so much of dating is the little games and rules, and part of me would have your attitude of just trying to be open and honest about your feelings, reaching out, being light-hearted, but I suppose there's a reason some people insist the best way is to play the games, etc. Ugh. Sorry it didn't unfold the way you expected (also the way I would have expected if I'd been in your shoes). Like your postitive take-away.
    Anon11

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    Replies
    1. I think I should've given him a little more breathing room--which felt like a game to me, but maybe it wasn't? I thought we were both equally engaged, but I was clearly mistaken. I have a sliver of hope that I'll hear from him again, but seems unlikely. Sigh.

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  2. While important, texting is so open to interpretation. Shrug and move on.

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  3. Oh I hate this stuff. I'm sorry. I'm glad you know that what you did wasn't terrible. Eagerness or enthusiasm shouldn't be a bad thing, and maybe some guys would have taken your text as flirtatious or encouraging. Maybe you WERE equally engaged and he just has some past issue with women "pressuring" him. So fucking hard to know. I totally sympathize with agonizing and analyzing, and hope you will be able to let go of that soon.

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