Thursday, June 09, 2011

Much better (redux)

NOTE: I finished the damn book review mentioned in the last post. Hooray!

I really seem to be traveling in some kind of perpetual circle of misery and acceptance. First, I am doing ok with my job, supervisor, etc. Then something happens to set me off. I get frustrated, angry and desperate. I fume, plan and ultimately do nothing. I calm down, find myself left alone and start to enjoy my work again. My frustrations are validated by my friends.  I may have a slight overreaction but the problem is also real. I have yet to find a good strategy to deal with the person who has this power over me but maybe, eventually, I will.

I was all set to apply for a new job. I draft a cover letter and I updated my CV. I started cleaning up an old paper to use as a writing sample. And then I just stopped. Work was busy, the annoying one was leaving me alone, I got a little discouraged. I should probably still apply for that job, just to see what would happen. Even though the thought of it was exciting, I was very sad when I imagined leaving my job. Not this city so much, though I would miss my friends and my neighborhood and it would be hard on the cat. But my job--which now is finally giving me the chance directly involved with massive projects, representing many millions of dollars. I will never have this chance again and wherever I go, I won't have as much influence. I think it's right to stay here and do this important work. I just need to figure out how to keep being happy about.

On a lighter note, I had a ridiculous date this weekend that went poorly. I am semi-pining over my secret crush, who is a much-younger ex-miltiary guy. I will stop saying I don't have a type when I obviously do. But, all this not-dating is getting tiresome. Will my next boyfriend show up already? You don't have to be super intense or even make lots of plans with me--seriously, I have a nice big group of close acquaintances and friends to draw on for almost countless social opportunities. These days it's more about scheduling downtime than finding people to hang out with. But no one in that larger group wants to make out with me, so future boyfriend, I still have a place for you in my life. If you also happen to be the same person as my secret crush, so much the better!

Grateful for: positive vibes.

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