Tired

I am exhausted today. Not from lack of sleep, but rather from the mental exhaustion of so much family time. I was with my mother all day, every day, Thursday-Sunday, except for the solo walk I took to get coffee each morning. We didn't really argue except for once but there was a usual amount of snappishness. I also felt myself grow more and more withdrawn as the visit continued. I don't know why that was and I'm sorry it happened. I tried to explain the source of some of my irritation to Mom on Saturday. I told her that her inquisitiveness about every single thing I did was hard to take--that it was like having a bright light shining on everything I do and it was too much. And then, when I did try and answer a question, she'd tune out or immediately change the subject, which did not incline me to answer future inquiries expansively.

On our last day, we ate lunch in Harlem. That was a fun kind of adventure--and it's not at all the place she knew way back when. It's a little absurd, but for as much time as I've spent in Manhattan, I've never actually walked around in Harlem. I've taken the bus through a few times, but this was the first time I walked around. Parts are quite nice, as I knew, but the main commercial strips are not as interesting as other parts of New York. 125th Street is lively and full of people even if most of the stores are downmarket chains. It's certainly not threatening or dangerous-feeling in any way, and I don't think it would be at night either. In fact, it's safer-feeling and more lively than my immediate neighborhood. (Sigh.)

Anyway, the Harlem visit was good and we ate at a decent "soul food" restaurant. Over the meal Mom asked if I had time to do any writing. I just...couldn't get into it with her. I'd told her the story of running into my ex-bf at work and how annoying it was and how he'd said I should write a book. She said, "Could you write a book?" I mumbled that I didn't know. See, I would like to sit down with someone and talk it all out--all the book writing options I have--and decide what tack I should take. And, really, my mom would be a good person for that, but I couldn't do it. I didn't want to talk about it. So I mumbled and said I was sort of writing on the blog and that was it. SIGH.

Overall, though, I had a good time. We walked many, many miles which was great. We ate a lot of good food and saw some sights. Mom generously bought me yarn as a present--some of which will be used for gift knitting and some for myself. I saw lots of relatives and was both gratified and embarrassed when some of them told me how young I looked. I gave a pair of gloves and two hats I made to my cousin's daughter who seemed to love them. Everyone was very impressed with the knitting, which is also gratifying.

But, I am SO glad to be home, able to sleep in my own bed and be alone (with the pesky cat). So much time with other people wears me out!

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.

Grateful for: an understanding family.

Wrong?

Is it so wrong that while I'm happy to be going to NY to see my mom, uncle, cousins and (briefly) brother, I'd sort of rather stay home and do a whole lot of nothing? Instead, it's going to be go-go-go to a show, to NJ, to a museum, etc., etc. It will be fun and I will enjoy it because I love NY and always find it energizing. But it's not a restful vacation.

I also managed to talk my new boss into letting me work at home tomorrow morning. I knew I'd be a bundle of nerves if I came in and I honestly think I can get HEAPS more done if I sit at home (or across the street at the coffee shop) where it's quiet and read, read, read. I'll be honest about it though...if I don't get work done, I'll just take the whole day off. If I turn out to be productive, then so much the better. But it will save me the time getting to work and then back to the bus station and that will be a very good thing.

Also, this new boss, while very pleasant, is an over-apologizer in the extreme. Yesterday, she gave more comments on a document when I thought it was done. The comments were fine, though not vital, and did cause me a bit more work. But, you know, that's how it goes. And it really was fine. But what caused the most annoyance was the dozen or so apologies that came while she was telling me what the problems were. Actually, she kept asking and then explaining herself over and over. I'd added a paragraph and she thought it should go. I explained why I added it and said, "I'll take it out. I don't care." And then she said several times that she didn't understand why it was there and might it give the wrong impression and did we really need to say it now...and I said, "Sure, I can take it out." And then she'd start again. Oy.

I've had MUCH WORSE boss problems. I'm pretty sure I had an annoyed look on my face and I wish I hadn't. Her comment was reasonable and I was just as happy to take the paragraph out (or leave it in--I didn't think it mattered). She had to decide and I think she wanted me to decide. Hmm. Ok, next time, I will decide! Hopefully that will spare me from having to tell her to please stop apologizing.

And...that's it for now! Later.

Grateful for: a pleasant boss.

Curtains

Let's not give up on this so soon. So soon? I don't have a plan to give up the blog.  And that's all I'll say about that for now.

I had a mighty lazy weekend. I would feel bad about that but I realized that I needed it to make up for the upcoming rush-rush Thanksgiving break. It seems like a break but since I'll be traveling and spending a lot of time with my mother, it's not exactly a break. I will be getting away from the day-to-day of work and home, which I like to do. But it won't be relaxing and will certainly be more stressful and anxiety-provoking that almost any of the ways I'd be spending my time if I were to stay home over Thanksgiving.

I did get a few things done this weekend though. Ever since I got back from France, I'd been planning to hang some curtains in my living room. I've only ever had window shades in there and while I like the clean look of the white shades, I also feel a draft when I sit on the sofa near the windows. Curtains would help with that and I bought some at Ikea, plus extra hardware, but I never got around to hanging them. It's getting cooler now and got it all done on Sunday.

What did I have to do? Move the sofa away from the wall. Realize it's disgusting under there. Borrow the very long level/ruler from the hall closet. Get the step-ladder from the kitchen. Pull out the electric drill. Search for wall anchors and screws. Measure and mark the correct placement of the curtain rod holders. Drill. Change drill bit to correct size. Drill again. Place anchors. Screw in curtain rod holder (repeat three times). Before hanging curtains, vacuum all the plaster dust from around the windows and on the floor under sofa. Hang curtains. Adjust placement. Secure curtain rod. Replace furniture. Put away tools and hardware. Do a half-hearted vacuuming job in the living and dining rooms. Put away vacuum cleaner. Admire new curtains. They really do change and improve the look of the living room. Who knew?

Grateful for: a finished project.

About a blog

It’s been too long, hasn’t it?

I am sorry for disappearing. I’ve been trying to figure out what I want to do about the blog. This isn’t new territory, I’m afraid. It’s not that I don’t have anything to say—it’s not even lack of motivation, though that’s certainly part of it—it’s more a question of, is this how I want to spend my writing time?

I’m going to tell a long story now, the upshot of which is, when am I going to write that book (novel)?

Last week, I was innocently getting some lunch in the cafeteria in my building. I look up and see…a very long ago ex-boyfriend. My only real workplace boyfriend ever and there he was, back to work at our agency. Whoops and Yikes. He was happy (?) to see me and we chatted a little. Then he asked if I were planning to eat at my desk. I was, of course, but I said I could take a few minutes to sit down with him. What else could I do?

We got our food and found a table. He is a decent guy. Our relationship lasted for a lot longer than…well, than any other relationship I’ve had since (though not before), which was about nine months. He broke up with me but it was one of those things where I was really the one who wanted out but I wouldn’t say so. He grew increasingly frustrated with me (rightfully so) and then, in one big screaming fight, it was over. (We fought way too much for my taste.) Except, well, we broke up the Saturday before September 11, 2001. Which led to a slight coda to the relationship and pushed final end date to about a month later. It was a terrible time to be completely alone and I insisted that he spend a little time with me. I don’t feel bad about that and I kind of doubt he does either.

What did bother me was that a week or two after the “true” ending of our relationship, he had a new girlfriend. Not someone he was dating, but a real, true, sleepover type girlfriend. This led to one bit of bad behavior on my part, although I don’t ever remember wanting to get back together with him (not even during the coda). The bad behavior was a 1am phone call where I yelled at him for showing up at a salsa dancing place I used to frequent. He and I had gone there a couple of times and he tried to learn to dance. Disaster. When I tried to dance with him, he got very upset with himself for not getting it (I was nice, I promise) and it was quite unpleasant. Anyway, I found it galling sitting at that club, waiting for a no-show friend (I’m looking at you, Cee-money) and instead spotting my newly minted ex with his new for-real girlfriend. I left and made the angry call when I got home. He told me that I my behavior was “psychotic,” which, ahem, was ridiculous. (The best part of this story is that after I made the call, I noticed a party going on across the street from my apartment. I went to the party and introduced myself as a neighbor and said I’d noticed a party and thought I’d come over. They apologized for the noise. I said I didn’t care. Then they offered me beer.)

I bumped into the ex around the office once or twice after the late night call, but was mostly spared dealing with him. A few months later, in fact two days after he broke up with the girlfriend who came after me, he called me up and asked me to lunch. I met him for lunch. He wanted to be friends. I said, “Where were you for the last six months?” He said, “My ex hated you.” I asked why. He said, “Because she thought you were crazy.” I declined to be friends and that was the last time I spoke to him. That was more than years ago.

Thanks to the wonder of facebook and one mutual friend, I know that he’s married and has a kid. Ok, good for him. My first thoughts on that were—“that could be me” quickly followed by, “thank goodness that’s not me.”

Back to the present. We were having lunch. I was talking nervously. I told him about France. I told him about the Kiwi boyfriend (Kent) in France. I told him about bureaucratic adventures in France. I did everything but ask him about himself. He said, “You should write a book.” Who me? He said, “If anyone could, you could, Jamy.” Sigh.

A couple of days ago, I was emailing with my friend who is a playwright. I told him about the conversation with the ex. The playwright said, “You should write a book. That’s the easy part. It’s the endgame that’s the hard part.” SIGH.

They are right. I SHOULD WRITE A BOOK.

But…I don’t know how to start. I don’t know where to go with it. I’m at sea.

Work is ok. I had an issue with the ex-supervisor. It is getting resolved but it’s unsettling. My old favorite boss told me I was difficult. Work friend Nancy said I react strongly but don’t hold onto my anger (true). Does that make me difficult? I am excited about my new work projects but they’re draining. I am spending every spare moment knitting and watching a lot of tv. I went to spend two days with my dad and brother in NJ and was annoyed with Dad the whole time. I don’t know why. I don’t feel unhappy but I’m not super happy either. I haven’t the slightest bad feeling about being single except that this isn’t how I expected things to go. I don’t miss Curt. I do miss Kent.

Where does that leave the blog? I have no idea. If I ever do decide to stop it for good, I will let you know.

Grateful for: lots to say.

Overall: good

Today is one of those days I would've liked to stay home. While I do have plenty of work to do, none of it is pressing. But, here I am at the office nevertheless. Why? Because I have no sick leave and I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow. Anyway. I am here and feeling a little sick to my stomach and tired and unfocused. Too bad because last week was a very good one at work but instead of sharp, I now feel dull.

On the bright side, I had a pretty good weekend. First, I had a happy hour on Friday. It didn't go at all as planned. I was hoping to have a chance to talk to work-friend, Nina, but other (much more annoying) workmate, Mandy, came along. Ok, whatever, we can all be pleasant. We went to a new bar that was Nina’s choice and it was packed, packed, packed. After about 15 minutes and no drink, I couldn't take it. I could find no where to stand without constantly having to get out of someone's way. Feeling a little claustrophobic, I made my apologies and left. I felt a little bad but I thought that I was not going to waste my time being somewhere I didn't like with people I wasn't crazy about.

I stopped in another bar down the street and had a so-so martini. and then I picked up some take-out Chinese food for dinner, so actually, the evening turned out rather well.

Saturday, I had soccer and a party. I did a lot of knitting in the morning and grocery shopping on the way home from the game. The game was ok. We tied, we had subs, so I wasn't completely spent by the end. Yet, I don't know how much I contribute to the team. I'm there, I try, that's about the extent of it.

The party was actually seeing a band in a bar. I knew a few people and talked to them. I watched the band upstairs for a bit but found them uninspiring. I went back downstairs and struck up a conversation with a woman wearing an interesting non-sexy costume. Then I met her friends--and who had I found? A bunch of mathematicians! They bought me a shot and I hung out with this friendly group for the rest of the night. Come to think of it, they bought me a beer later on too. I got a bit toasty.

And, again, there came a point when I knew it was time for me to go home. I said goodbye to my new friend and gave her my number (though I don't expect to hear from her). I hopped on the bus and paid with a dollar--didn't even attempt to put in the additional 35 cents, and the driver said nothing. Rode the bus the six blocks home and stayed up for a while longer watching a movie.

On Sunday, I didn't feel so great. I rarely have a hangover, but not never. My head didn't bother me so much as my stomach, but I didn't get sick and after an hour or so, I was ok. I did a bunch of knitting and some cooking. Around 4pm, I went out to see a "rough cut" screening of a film--but I'm sworn to secrecy about all details. What a shame! But when it comes out, I'll tell you all about it. It was a fun and interesting experience.

This week should be pretty good too. I have a few things planned but it shouldn’t be as busy as last week. And, heck, if I’m still feeling poorly after the doctor tomorrow, I’ll just go on home.

Grateful for: lots of interesting things to do.