Hello!

(Note to self: do not apologize for not blogging, do not apologize for not blogging, ad infinitum.)

I have to say, things are going well. Much better than I would have predicted a month ago. Work is interesting. I'm not bored and I don't hate it. When was the last time I said that? I have a new project that I researched and wrote up the "statement of work" for in a little over a week. I'm unreasonably pleased with it and looking forward to seeing the project all the way through. It's not even one of those projects I was hoping to get--it's something new, high-profile, and now that I've written the first pass, I'm ready to take it on.

What I know about myself is that when I actually get working, especially if it's a lit review + writing deal, I work fast. That means I'll be ready to pump out the next project in just a week or so. Great!

Socially, I am reaching out a little. I joined a book group and have already enjoyed a lively internet conversation (about old movies) with another member. I'm making friends with a woman on my soccer team, who, after having dinner at my house, invited me to about three other events (including a trip to Montana to visit her in-laws--she could tell I was a little surprised and she explained that she and her husband like to bring friends along because his mom is a little nuts--heh).

I also got email from a "now actually in the army" Kent. Very short but sweet. The last email I sent him was right after Curt broke up with me. Always good to hear from Kent and I'm kind of touched that when he had brief access to a computer he took the time to write to me. He is a good guy and if he'd been open to it, I would have kept him. His friendship means a lot to me. He's always consistently encouraging and sympathetic and usually knows just the right thing to say. I know that if we were in person and I were losing it around him, he'd remain calm and supportive (a right contrast to Curt!).  Anyway. Enough of that.

Real life is good and lively enough. I spent a bit on semi-practical treats for myself after the break up and I'm thoroughly enjoying them. I got a clever bento-style lunch box and I've been using it almost every day. I got some new shoes that are extremely comfortable--but unfortunately look a little bit like slippers, though they are quite sturdy enough for a day hike. Their improbable looks haven't kept me from wearing them to the office for the last two days, but they look a lot less silly with my jeans today than my work trousers yesterday.

I also bought a passel of yarn. I'd been trying to hold off but I was itching to get my hands on some new stuff for baby blankets. I had a niece get married in the spring and I expect she'll be expecting soon enough. Another niece is likely to get married in the winter, so I went ahead and got another color for her. I haven't started these blankets yet since I'm still working on a couple of pairs of socks (one for me, one for Mom) and have a stalled out shawl and sweater. I've pretty much decided the sweater is a lost cause. I need to rip it all the way back and knit a simple sweater VEST instead for myself. I have a lot of cardigans but no vests and I know I'd get a lot of use of it. Plus a vest is so much easier than a cardigan! Not sure when I'll get to it, but within the next month. I also have a scarf to make for a nephew and nephew-in-law, but I think no rush on those either. Also, I really want to make something for Kent. Way back when (he was still my bf!) I knit him a hat and fingerless gloves. I think he got good use out of both those items. Now, don't you think he could use some warm simple socks in the army? We'll see.

I am keeping busy but not too busy. Just enough to get me out of the house and tire me out a bit. I have a happy hour tonight, soccer tomorrow, Halloween party tomorrow, mystery movie screening Sunday (not a mystery movie, rather a rough cut of something I can't blog about--it probably won't be too exciting). Plus I need to go grocery shopping, cook for dinner and lunches and do a whole bunch of knitting in there. I kinda doubt I'm going to make it to the movies.

Last, this is how I tied my shoes today. Ian's shoelace site is hilarious and pretty cool.

Grateful for: good cheer and opportunities.

So there

Occasionally, I get emails from folks who want me to link to their sites or promote their products (or sites). I don't know why they think anyone is reading my blog...but my guess is that they blanket teh blog-o-sphere with requests and even though my readership is small, I still have a blog...and there you go.

These days, I find that I'll often get two or three emails from the same source, the second and third asking if I recall the first message and hoping that I'll get in touch. I've long stopped responding to most of these solicitations, but sometimes, I can't resist.

The latest email I've received is promoting a dating site for "cougars." Do I have to explain the term? (Older women who pursue younger men, possibly in predatory manner.) I can't tell you how sexist and offensive I find the popularization of this idea of womanhood. I mean, really. What would you call an older man who purposefully pursued younger women? A MAN. Ugh. (Granted, both men and women with much younger romantic partners may get called "cradle-robbers," but don't the men get it with a wink, nod and possible high five, whereas the women are often looked with a bit more suspicion? The term "cougar" doesn't help much at all.)

I had no intention of responding to the email, but the last one shared a link to a "report" they'd done and said this was my chance to get a look at it before it went to the mainstream media (who would care?). Being a social scientist, and this being a survey, I decided to take a look. The report wasn't much--just a listing of a few "findings" and some godawful graphs. The questions were acceptable. The real problem was that they surveyed 100 women (what about the men?) and didn't explain how they drew the sample. So, basically, the "results" are meaningless. I then sent them the following response:

What can I tell you? I have often dated younger men, but I find any dating approach that emphasizes one quality in a person--especially an immutable quality, like age or race--to be distasteful. I didn't date those guys because they were younger. I dated a person and he happened to be younger.


So, that's why I'm not comfortable linking to your site. And, even though I have used online dating sites (mostly unsuccessfully), I don't care to promote any of them.


As to your report, as a social scientist, I find the methods troubling. The questions are actually interesting but how did you select the 100 women you interviewed? If you didn't use a statistical method, it's inappropriate to generalize your results to the larger population.


That said, I wish you well, but I'm not interested in publicizing your site or report. If you need some survey help, I might be available for that.

I bet that got 'em good! I seem to have too much time on my hands. Heh.

Grateful for: a (snappy) retort.

No rest

I'm not very happy about this break up but I will say that, so far, it's not getting me down. I don't feel like an idiot for choosing to date someone obviously inappropriate, unavailable or otherwise incapacitated (I'm thinking: Owen, Kent and Kansas). Maybe Curt and I weren't "right" for each other but he wasn't an asshole, an alcoholic or overseas. I actually dated an interesting, smart, decent guy in the same continent. I'd say that's a win.

Anyway, I'd been planning to do a lot of cooking over the weekend and I dove right in yesterday by making some soup that will last for weeks (and is now mostly frozen) and a hearty kale and sausage dinner. I was going to make some navy bean stew, but the beans were still hard last night after soaking for many hours. In fact, they were still hard this morning. I suspect they were so old that they will never soften. Argh. I bought some more this morning and will see if I have better luck. If the newer dried beans don't get soft either...well, then, either they were old in the store or I have the wrong expectations for the pre-cooking/post-soaking state of the beans. The only other dried beans I've cooked with were split peas and I think they get soft no matter what. Anyone have dried bean knowledge to share with me?

Also, a while ago, I requested to join a reading group. I needed to email an introduction of myself to the group moderators but I hadn't. Yesterday, I did. More social outlets=good. Especially a low-key one like a reading group.  Happily, I was accepted to the group. Now I have to send ANOTHER intro email, this time to the whole group. I find this process a little bizarre. I started writing lists in my head of all of the things worth mentioning about myself. I don't know what is appropriate. What do you think? Here is a list:

• Entered college at 15 (skipped high school)
• English major (creative writing emphasis)
• VISTA volunteer
• PhD holder
• Collegiate (kinda) rower
• Weekend soccer player
• Former softball and kickball (ugh) player
  
• Knitter
• Government researcher
• Former "big sister", current monthly reading volunteer
• Aunt to eight
• Movie and book lover
• Took a "sabbatical" in Paris
• Pseudonymous blog writer
  

I certainly wouldn't mention all of that in an "about me," though I did mention knitting, soccer, government job, current volunteering and the sabbatical in my first email. Too much? Not enough? I'm somewhat at a loss as to how to describe myself. What kind of person am I? Is it for me to say? It's probably best to stick to a catalog of activities since someone filling an email with adjectives about herself sounds pretty off-putting. But, jeez, it also seems like a lot of pressure. Just what I need!

Now it's time to get back to the kitchen and see if I can get those beans to soften up. Maybe I'll even get around to that cleaning I keep putting off. Anything is possible.

Grateful for: lots of activities.

Whoops

That's what I get for being complacent, thinking things were "good enough." Work is going ok. I'm not unhappy. I'm not thrilled but I'm reasonably interested in what I'm doing and I'm optimistic about the new boss. If she does a good job, then I may actually get to happy--she gets to deals with the administrative headaches and I get to do interesting work. Sounds good to me. I was ambivalent about the job but I would have relished the challenge. Hopefully I can find challenges elsewhere.

Say, for example, in my personal life. As of last night, I no longer have a boyfriend. I was dumped. Damn, I was NOT expecting that. I thought it would be up to me to end things, when and if it was time. Sure, the time was probably coming, but I wasn't sure. We argued too much. It wasn't easy enough. But I liked him, I liked having a boyfriend (sigh) and it was handy. Not having a boyfriend is decidedly inconvenient.  Other than my usual bout of self-pity, though, I'm not suffering too much. The last break-up was a lot harder. I'm not sure if that helps.

What can I tell you? I still think Curt is a decent guy. At least I didn't choose another asshole or loser. I just tried to make it work with someone who, in his own words wasn't "right for me." Oh well.

Grateful for: patience.

Another day...

I had a pretty good, slow, semi-productive weekend. Curt was out of town, which was initially disappointing, but it turned out to be a good thing. I had a lot of things I needed and wanted to do and I got most of it done. I did want to clean the house but managed only laundry and dishes. Floors will get mopped...someday. It's a little gross but, really, it's not a high priority. After a day of running around shopping, walking, cooking, I don't want to mop--I want to knit for an hour or two.

On my guest editing gig, I got a very rough draft of the guest editor's intro written over the weekend. Today I received the revised and final versions of all the papers and most of my time was spent reviewing them. I am not satisfied with what I've written for the intro and I got the deadline extended until next week. My erstwhile co-editor got in touch and said he'd have something for me by tomorrow--if I wanted. After talking it over with the main editor, I decided to tell my co-editor not to bother. And, according to the main editor, I won't be "co" anymore, I'll just be the "guest editor." As it should be. What's nice is that I didn't have to ask him to make this change, he just volunteered it. (Even crazier is that the editor is my now-former most disliked supervisor! It's all about context.) So, I have a few more days to work on the intro and maybe a little bit of time for other projects. Whew.

I also met my new boss today, very briefly. She was held captive by our stultifying (dis)orientation process all day and didn't show up until around 5pm. We shook hands and she said it was nice to meet me. I nodded. She said, "I'm really looking forward to working with you." Pause. "And everyone else!" I'm sure they told her I expected to get the job. Hey, at least she's playing nice, points for that. As for the rest, we'll see. I'm actually kind of interested in my work right now. If that continues, and she's reasonable, that would be great.

And the rest continues as well. How have I managed to have a boyfriend this long? Wild. But he does make me a little crazy sometimes. Today, we were talking on the phone and I asked him, jokingly, if he has plans for Halloween. Turns out he's invited to a Halloween party (the week before, but it is a costume party). First I've heard of it! My thought, why didn't he invite me? Now, the party is in his hometown, which is a couple of hours drive away. He goes up there pretty often (every other month?) and I haven't expected him to invite me. I have wondered when/if he will invite me. He always stays with his parents and that is a bit of an awkward situation, so there's really no need to worry about including me. Not to mention I'm fine with a boyfriend-free weekend now and then.

But going up just for a party? Hrm. When he told me, I laughed. Then I said, "I want to say what I'm thinking but I don't think you'll like it, so I won't."

He said, "I think I know what you want to say. Go ahead."

"No...it's ok."

"You're thinking, 'why didn't you tell me?'" He said.

I said, "Well, no. I was wondering why you didn't invite me."

"Oh." He paused. "Do you want to go?"

I laughed again. The upshot was a sincere invitation (lordy) but the reason why he didn't ask me originally was that there's no place for me to sleep at his parents' house.  I didn't ask for details.  I pointed out that I have a good friend in his town (and I've stayed with her before). I've recently re-connect with this friend on facebook (it's good for something!) and I was thinking I'd like to visit her soon and I'd hitch a ride up there with Curt. So--if it's cool with her, maybe I will be joining him at the party. Does this mean I need a costume?

Grateful for: equanimity.

Knitting!

I know you all are dying to see some of my finished-product knitting. Ok, one person is interested. I do try and take pics of my knitting, though I often give things away before I get a chance. When I do take a picture I upload it to Ravelry or stick it on Flickr. Taking clear, true-to-color pictures of knitting is surprisingly difficult. I did my best and these should give you some sense of what the items look like.

First, this is the triangular shawl I made for my sister-in-law in Israel. Once I blocked it, I couldn't get the whole thing in frame!



Here it is unblocked:


Here's a sock I'm working on. The first one is almost finished, as you can sort of see.


More socks. I finished these when I was in Seattle in September...


Oh, and here is Curt modeling the socks I made for him:




Ok, maybe that's enough knitting for now!

Grateful for: a hobby I love.

Update

A quick note on what happened with my erstwhile co-editor. (You know, I co-edited a newsletter for AGES and it was never anything less than a pain in my ass. I'll be the editor or an assistant--but I'll never co-anything again. So not worth it.)

The fella sent me an email on Friday, after I'd left for the day (we got out early due to Columbus Day--but I did stay a couple of hours after our early dismissal 'cause I was working!). I'd written, "Consider it handled." He wrote, "Consider what handled?" I talked it over with Curt, who actually thought my initial message was confusing (which is fine) and we decided that I wouldn't answer. I can claim to have not seen the message. And if he shows up on Tuesday with the intro written, I'll decide if I want to incorporate his work with mine.

As to the article he was supposed to read, I finished that on Friday and got the comments to the author, who now has time to make the (minor) changes by Tuesday. Dude.

I am having a hard time getting a lot of writing done, but I'm trying. I have about a page of notes. I think I need something about two or three pages total. I'll do the best I can.

I did a bunch of shopping yesterday and got started on all my mundane household tasks: mending, laundry, pics of knitting (coming soon). I still have a bunch of cleaning to do but I decided that, despite the need, cleaning is my lowest priority for the weekend, after work, exercise, grocery shopping and cooking. If I can get all that done, and still have energy, I'll clean.

Grateful for: a plan.

Call for help (and mini rant)

Wow. I am stunned. Let me tell you what happened.

For several months, I've had an assignment to co-guest-edit a "symposium" (a bunch of articles) on a specific topic for the academic-style journal my department publishes. I actually got this assignment before I went to France and it was sitting there, no progress made at all, when I got back. The idea for the symposium came from a fellow who works in the office that runs the program. I don't work in that office and, in fact, I've never run a study about this program, though I'm reasonably familiar with it.

So, over the last several months, I've been doing this job with no help at all from my supposed co-editor (who now works in a different program office!). I sent the notice out that solicited the articles, I talked to the authors, I rounded up the reviews, I read and added my own comments to each article and I sent the comments and suggestions for revisions to the authors. What did my co-editor do? Nada.

The deadline is fast approaching. Part of the guest-editor duty (that I didn't realize until quite recently) is to write a short intro. Long ago, my co-editor said he'd get someone to write it--but he didn't.

With just a couple of weeks left, I asked my co-editor's old boss, who still works in the office where the program originates, for some help writing the intro. He referred me to the co-editor. Co-editor said he'd write the intro and review one paper--by Wednesday (that is, two days ago).

Yesterday, Thursday, I realized I hadn't heard from my co-editor. I called him. I emailed him. Nothing. Late in the day, I got a call from a woman in his office asking if I needed anything--since he was out of town ON VACATION until Tuesday. Tuesday is the deadline.

I was furious. I did my best not to vent all over the woman who called. I realized that I had to spend Friday and possibly most of the weekend reading the last paper and writing the intro. I reorganized my schedule accordingly and was sort of looking forward to seeing what I could do. I also have a good case for solo-editorship now, and that's ok too.

This morning, still at home, I check my work email and I see but this message from my erstwhile co-editor, "You'll get my intro next week- thought the deadline was 10/13. In Puerto Rico - reading the paper
this weekend. Will have any comments on Tuesday. Looks fine do far."

Um, what? He promised to read the article by Wednesday (two days ago). Both I and another person need to review the intro BEFORE Tuesday. He is leaving us no time at all.

I don't know how to respond. I'm not as angry as I was yesterday but I want to tell him not to bother. I don't trust him to finish when he says he will and he didn't even have the courtesy to let me know he couldn't make the deadline. Argh!  My thought is that I will still do the work. Who knows if he'll come through? And if he doesn't, I'm the one who will look bad.

My question: how do I respond to his email?

Grateful for: work energy.

What is wrong with me?

For the last couple of days, I've been ill. But the exact nature of the illness eludes me.

On Friday, I stayed home from work. I was tired, had a headache and felt a little nauseated. Saturday, I was a little better but not 100%. Sunday, I felt fine and went to work.

On Monday, I felt fine when I woke up but then was overwhelmed with exhaustion, nausea and that same lingering headache. I went to lie down for a minute and ended up sleeping for a couple of hours. I got up, had lunch, then slept again. I went to bed around 11pm and slept until 9am.

What is this weird illness I have? No fever or aches, so not the flu. But a weird kind of wooziness and tiredness. I didn't sleep today, but I did stay home from work again. Hmm...maybe it's that it's my most-disliked supervisor's last week. Nah, that can't be it!

I have lots of work to do and I managed some of it by email between naps. I didn't really ask for the sick days, just let the supervisor know I was staying home.

Oh, and I wasn't really home. I'd gone over to Curt's on Sunday night and I ended up staying over again on Monday because I was so out of it. He was very nice about it, letting me sleep and keeping me fed and comfortable. Even better, we had a good, easy time together.

Years ago, I got stranded at a bf's house due to a huge snowstorm. We ventured out for supplies and spent a week eating well and watching a lot of movies. He went out during that time but I got a cold and was basically housebound. It was probably the best time we had in our entire relationship--that little bit of playing house. With Curt, well, it wasn't like that since it wasn't so long, but we had some of the same rhythms and it was comforting, though I'm not sure how he felt about it. He needs a lot of alone time and we don't see each other more than three times a week usually--even now. I enjoy "togetherness" more than he does but he seemed fine (and I can more or less tell when he's unhappy by now). 

It's back to work tomorrow, unless I have a fever or something. Enough is enough!

Grateful for: a few days rest.

Working

It's Sunday and I'm at the office. My presence isn't due to any virtuous work ethic on my part. Rather, since I didn't work on Yom Kippur, I agreed to come in today to make up for it--and not have to use up my scanty annual leave.

While I had to drag myself in and arrived much later than I should have, I've actually gotten a lot done. I stuck to clearing up the backlog of reading material waiting for comments (should I have them--none so far). I find this reading tedious at best and almost impossible to do with the normal office sounds happening in our cubicle land. It's very hard to do with headphone on too, though I do have a little music playing quietly over speakers, which does help. Otherwise the silence is too creepy.

Update: remember the Good Samaritan who helped me with my fence? When he came back to finish up, I gave him cookies. He started eating them immediately, so we'll take that as a sign that I "did the right thing." I also asked if I could call him if I needed help with anything else and he said yes. I may have a new handyman, which would be great.

I am also very happy that the overwhelming work craziness has subsided. I'm kind of busy at work, which always makes me happier. I hope to continue to keep busy and find things to do that interest me. The new supervisor arrives in about a week and let's hope she values my contribution and can help me get what I want out of this job. In the meantime, I'll keep looking and try to apply for those one or two sort of interesting things that I've seen. It's so hard. Oh inertia, how constant you are.

I'm knitting a TON. I have about seven projects of various sizes going. That's extreme--usually I like to have three things going--something easy, something complicated, and something big but simple. Instead I'm making a fairly simple scarf/stole, a complicated but small scarf, two pairs of socks (one complicated, one simple), a very simple hat, an very complicated stole and a sweater. The sweater is for me (most of that other stuff is for me too, but you never know what I'll end up giving away) and I was nearly done but had to rip it way back. Now I think I should probably start over. It was good practice working out the numbers and all but it's got so many issues that I'm not sure it will ever be wearable. Starting all over again, knowing what I know now, might be the wise thing to do. In the meantime, though, I think I'll work though my other projects and decide later.

Also, somewhat to my amazement, I still have a boyfriend. He was supportive during my minor work-induced mental breakdown. Now, was he perfect? No. I could imagine getting different responses at times that might have made me happier...but here's the thing: the person who might have given me those responses couldn't figure out how to actually be in my life. So, you know. Showing up is key. And Curt is here--he wants to be here and even when it was hard for him, he stuck around. Since my mood has leveled out, we're having a much better time together. I suppose that might not seem like such a big deal but it is a big deal. The frustration hasn't lingered...and I am so relieved that we get a chance to be together when things are easy. Not perfect...but what does that mean?

I am feeling more contented with things than I have for a while now, which is great. And I guess I'll be ready for work on Monday...I hope!

Grateful for: the people who stick around.