Still tired

All this working out is kicking my ass. I'm still at it. Ran on Monday (outdoors), ran on Tuesday (gym), gym class this morning--do 50 squats, jump rope 100 times and do five more crazy things. I've been running on fumes ever since.

Work friend, Nancy, took me to lunch today for my birthday. Delicious. Maybe we can just celebrate my birthday all year long?

Got email from Kent last week. Wrote him back the next day. Got email from him yesterday. He doesn't want me to visit but he does want to stay in touch. Well, at least he's not an asshole. But he's not exactly a boyfriend either. I can't think about it too much or it makes me very, very sad.

I put in my job application on Tuesday. Now it's just a waiting game. Turns out the two other potential contenders in my office, Mandy and Danielle, also applied (probably).

Not surprised that Danielle applied-- she's a good candidate. Mandy, however, told me that she wasn't applying. This makes her seem like a liar though it's entirely possible (as Nancy pointed out) that she had a change of heart. I still think it's icky that she point blank asked if I were applying and when I told her I was, she said, "Oh good. I'm not. I don't want the responsibility." Seems like she was trying to use me...though I'm not sure to what end. My application would not have been different if I knew she was in the running. So: whatever. But she's not trustworthy. Which isn't news.

Getting ready for Israel. I leave on Friday. I've been such a terrible blog correspondent that I've seriously considered leaving my computer at home. But then I thought, it's awfully nice to have it, just in case. So, who knows, you might actually get some wedding updates from Israel. Did I mention that yet another niece is getting married and that's why I'm going? Well, she is and that's why.

I don't have the heart to declare an official hiatus but it seems to be happening. I'm going to try and write once a week, just to keep this up to date. If I get my mojo back, it will be more. We'll see!

Grateful for: lots of options.

Busy/tired

How lame is it to want to start every post with an apology? Moving on...

On Tuesday, I received email from Kent. No, I shouldn't have been surprised. I still think I need to scale my expectations way back...as if they weren't minimal enough already.

I've been busy working at work. Had to write up a response to a contract who is disputing the end-of-contract summary performance rating I gave them. We get to talk it out today. Fun stuff. Also, working on my job application.

I've been going to the gym. I went every day last week. Ran on Sunday (not full out running, but easy intervals). Been to the gym every day this week--including two yoga sessions, so I'm not a complete maniac. But, I am kind of sore all over, mostly in the core area, from yoga yesterday. I'm going to the gym today, soreness be damned! I'll rest on Saturday.

Finished knitting a really adorable sweater for my nearly 5-year-old nephew. Everyone will be jealous. Still very slowly completely the socks for my brother.

Other than that, I'm kind of tired, probably due to all the gym time. I'm not feeling very social. I leave for Israel in about...a week. A week! Shoot. Need to start getting ready.

Grateful for: good tired.

What's up

Ok, so sorry I haven't gotten back to you in the comments. I may not.

I am feeling marginally better--that is, less hate-filled.

Not that things are going well. No. I'd say things with Kent are starting to break apart. Inevitable, I suppose, but I'm not happy about it. You might even say I'm sad.

Work is...bizarre. I found myself ranting the other day to my previous "enemy," most disliked co-worker, Mandy. And now she's...my ally? I don't get it. The job, the supervisor job, has finally posted. Mandy let me know she's not applying. I let her know I probably am. And it's--ok? Do the other folks here want me (ME?) to be the boss? Hrm.

My mother said a week or so ago, "I'm sure you'd be good at it. You'd be great." Pause. "That doesn't mean you'll like it."

No, it doesn't. I might hate being "the boss." I might not get the job. But here's the deal: I'm applying. It will be a great challenge. If I don't like it, I'll leave. If I don't get it, I'll leave. It's not that I would mind working for Danielle, the other most likely candidate in the office--actually, I think she would make a good boss--but I can't stand my job. I need a new job. Being the director would count as a new job and it even comes with a raise. So, I'm going to try for it. It's almost, but not quite, as painful as applying for an outside job. I have a bunch of ideas about how I'd do the job and the prospect is almost exciting.

Otherwise, the knitting goes well, I have some weekend plans and I've gone to the gym four days so far this week. I ache.

Grateful for: the woman in the office who is pushing me to exercise.

Excuses

I've been so filled with frustration and anger for the last several days that it's been hard for me to write. Work is making me craaaazy. I am so ready to NOT be there.

It would be insane to quit, so I won't. But, argh, I want out!

I should be grateful, because I have a job, a very secure job, when others are losing theirs. Despite my intentions to implement an austerity plan, I've been spending money like it was going out of style on silly, frivolous things (I'm not not including yarn!). Oh well.

If I can ever get my ass in gear and apply for some other jobs, I'd say my prospects of getting one are good. Excellent, even. It's not that it's a scary thought--more exhausting. Cover letters, writing samples, argh! And it is a little scary too.

On the, wow, I'm pretty lucky side, Kent's gift arrived last week. A knitting book! Which, you have to agree, is a good choice. But it wasn't just any old knitting book--it was a book signed by the author that Kent found at the very knitting shop I dragged him to when I was in London in December. The amount of thought that went into the gift is touching...and despite my characterization of our relationship as "absurd" it seems that it still exists. Sigh. That doesn't make me angry, but frustrated, yes.

Ok, enough for now. I will try and use this space more for its original purpose: finding a way to be happy and appreciate what I have.

Grateful for: job security.

I'm beat

I'm beat, originally uploaded by J-Blue.

Tabitha the evening after my niece and nephew left. She only opened her eyes because she heard the sound the camera made. She stayed in this spot for several hours.

Wow!

Well, I am overwhelmed and touched by all of your birthday comments. A couple of you come 'round fairly often and dropped a line anyway--awesome. A few of you have commented before, but not recently--thanks for making a comeback. And a whole bunch of you have been reading for a while but never said hi before--thanks so much for making the effort!

Your combined efforts, plus those of a few others, added up to a great birthday.

Some other things that went right:

1. A pitch-perfect birthday meal at Corduroy. Have you been there? If you can afford it, go. It was wonderful.
2. A call from B1, as predicted, on my actual birthday.
3. A pleasant day (Friday) spent with Dad. I didn't get annoyed with him--much. We had a good, low-key, museum-going time.
4. Another nice, but more moderately priced, dinner with Dad and Susan (step-mother).
5. The late arrival of B1 and two children. The next day (Saturday), observing the children's fascination with Tabitha the cat. They wore her out!
6. Some mild DC tourism. (Yawn.) Some museum going. (The kids insert their yawn.)
7. Another dinner! With kids at a better-than-expected Chinese restaurant.
8. A party on Saturday. It was fun. I didn't stay very late. I gave some nice folks a ride home. The fella asked for my number--but he has a gf. Let's assume it's friendly. Lord knows I could use some more friends.

I saved the two most amazing things for last:

• After dinner on Thursday, Dad and Susan said, "We have to go meet a friend at hotel near here. [Jamy]--you're coming." They invited my other guests, who declined. When we got to the hotel, who was innocently sitting in the lobby reading some huge leather books? My brother from Israel (B2)! He was heading to Baltimore for business and made a special detour to DC just for me. Wow. We all sat and chatted for quite a while and he missed the last train home. So, I invited him to stay with me. Turns out, he "can't" even though we are brother and sister (I don't know why he can't stay alone with me--could he if we were "full" instead of "half" siblings? Or is this version of Judaism just bat-shit crazy?). Anyway, Dad also staying with me solved the problem. Susan went to the friends' house where they'd planned to stay and Dad and B2 came home with me. Dad gave B2 a ride to the train station very early in the morning, releasing the cat in the process. She came back when lured with food.


• On Saturday night, after dinner and before the party, my nephew asked me to show him how to knit. I'd been knitting in front of them all weekend. My nephew is almost 5 and doesn't quite have the dexterity for knitting, though he did enjoy holding one needle.
  
  My niece, however, decided she wanted to learn too. I showed her the basics and she got started. I sat next to her and moved her hands through the motions. In about five minutes, she was doing it on her own. Wow! We sat next to each other and knit until it was time for her to take a shower. Then she knit some more. In the morning, she woke up and knit. I showed her how to bind off and she has her own very short scarf-like object to show for her efforts. I sent her home with some needles and yarn to make her own "real" scarf. Very, very cool.

Grateful for: family and friends.