Wednesday, May 06, 2009

I can't do it

What is wrong with me? Why do I keep asking that? The answer, fundamentally, is: nothing. Yet, I feel at loose ends. I want to forget everything and move on, I want to find a new someone, I want to stay home and wallow. I keep pushing out in all these different directions, including a dive back into internet dating. But, I've finally decided that I'm not going to do it right now. Maybe in a month, but not right now. Below is a story about why...

First, I signed up for a site that offers a short free trial. The fellas were...ok. I didn't search extensively. I rejected most who expressed interest in me. For example:

Guy #1

This was a headscratcher:
I believe in the four heavenly books; which include Qur'an, Bible, Evita [anyone know what this is?] and the Torah. I am a monotheist. I also believe in the four holy religions that were inherited by the children of Abraham: Islam,Christianty, Judaism and Zoroastrain
The deal breaker:
Favorite place to eat at would be Outback Steak House.
Plus, he wasn't smiling in a single picture.

Guy #2

He is an "antiquarian" and wrote this:
I am Looking for the the right woman in my life, someone to hold on , someone to lean on, someone who could be there for me all the time...
and this:
Someone to Love me for me , Respect me for who i am An Will never cheat on me ... Someone that is ready to Build a Family and a Home... Home is not the House , But the People Inside the House, I was a Happy home and i hope to meet that woman that can make this dream come to Pass.
Plus, he doesn't want kids. (He already has one.) May I ask, why all the random capitalization? And "I was a Happy Home"? How could a real person write this? I am confused.



Now those two would be enough for me to write "sigh" all day long but they're not appalling.

What happened last night convinced me that I'm not ready. A fellow IM'd me. He was too young by, oh 15 years. I mean, really, it's possible that the future Mr. Jamy is 15 or 20 years younger than me but it's bloody unlikely. Still, we got to chatting. Then he asked for my number and I gave it to him. He texted. He called, we talked for maybe ten minutes then he "had to do some stuff" and we went back to texting. I don't understand this either--why not just talk for another ten minutes? Why all the texting?

Still, I'm a sucker for the IM and the texting. I get a kick out of it. So, fine, we text, one or two or three words, semi-flirty. I liked the sound of his voice, he's funny and sweet, and I'm thinking, hey, maybe it would be fun to meet him.

Then he sent me a text that I won't repeat. It was a six word description of a sex act--an offer, actually.

That made me sigh. I'd suspected all along that it was a sex thing...but our little chat was not along those lines. I hadn't offered and I wouldn't.

I thought about responding but I knew if I wrote back "sigh" or "no" or anything negative, he'd apologize and try to get me to keep going. I had to disengage. I didn't respond. If he were serious about a real date, he'd send an apology. I didn't hear from him again and I won't. We're done, it wasn't real.

And that's the thing: it made me SAD. Not super sad but way sadder than was called for--when astonished amusement was the appropriate reaction, I got blue.

As Pele said, internet dating lets you know how many assholes are out there. Not that you don't meet them in real life, but they are much easier to spot and I rarely engage with them. All of my worst first date stories are about internet guys. You just don't get all the necessary information until you meet in person. Normally, I can handle it, I can brush it off--it's never terribly easy for me, but I can do it. But right now? No. My skin is too thin. I just can't handle the assholes. So, no internet dating for me. Maybe later.

Anyway, I have a plan. And it will be fine.

Grateful for: clarity.


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