Thursday, April 23, 2009

Loss

Cheerful, aren't I?

I'm not sure why I'm having such a hard time with this Kent situation. I guess it's been a long time since I felt more than frustration after a break-up. Break-up. Is that what happened? I can't really bring myself to say those words or call him my "ex-boyfriend." It's ridiculous. I don't have any illusions that somehow something is going to bring us together. That would take a major life-adjustment on his part and it's not happening. And that's...not fine...but that's the way it is. He is determined about what he wants and how he is going to go about it. I'm not going to argue with him--no point in that--but it's very hard to completely accept it--add that to my feeling that I'm never going to figure out how to get into a lasting relationship and it's a pretty lethal combination. (Combine one part sad break-up with one part self-pity, add liberal amounts of other people's weddings and adorable children, stir vigorously=me.) Anyway.

I haven't regretted the ending of a relationship for a good long while. Sure, some of the break-ups left me sad and wishing things could've been otherwise, but often I felt that I should have avoided the involvement in the first place. I also blamed myself for causing things to go wrong or letting things go on too long.

In this case, no. I don't regret the involvement. I didn't do anything wrong (I didn't drive him away, I didn't impose, bore him or otherwise make a pain of myself--or if I did, he didn't mind). He didn't do anything wrong (other than choose the army over me). He didn't annoy me, ignore me or treat me poorly. I was happy. It was a good relationship--and we were actually friends (and may land there eventually).

He seemed to appreciate me--not that he never teased--but he didn't tease me about things that I cared about. For example, the knitting. When we met, I told him a story about a hat I knit for myself. I followed the pattern exactly, but even though I had the sense that something was wrong, I kept going--when it it was time to decrease towards the brim (this was a beret knitted from the top down), the hat was hilariously wide. It looked like a clown hat. When I told him the story, we both laughed.

Later, when he came to visit, and I showed him the hat. I was chiding myself for not paying closer attention and stopping the knitting before the hat got out of control. I said, "I just got carried away...so stupid."

He said, "Never feel stupid for getting carried away by something you love." (Possibly not his exact words.)

That stuck with me--he appreciated my enthusiasm for knitting and he wasn't going to tease me about it. (I did successfully complete the hat by ripping back to a reasonable circumference.)

In his last email, that kind of concern and appreciation was apparent. He even mentioned the blog readers--and how he and you would agree that I have "interesting insights and observations." I would say the same about him--our different views on politics and other issues lead to many a lively debate--but our fundamental respect for each other and accepting attitude towards the people in our lives gave us plenty in common.

I wonder, should I comfort myself with a list of reasons why it's "just as well" that things didn't work out? Would that be sour grapes? A useful exercise? The problem...the problem is...that's not the problem. Kent was an unlikely candidate for a life partner because he isn't willing to deviate from his plan, not because we have different political views. I wish it were that simple.

I'm going to work on making my single life as happy as possible. Soon. I'll get right to work on that--and stop feeling resentful when I read about new couples and new babies and weddings.

Speaking of which...Pele's wedding is impending but whenever we have a discussion about wedding planning issues, I get the heebie jeebies and a strong itch to elope. At work, we had a little party with cake for co-worker Danielle's recent courthouse wedding (we weren't invited), and a general discussion of weddings ensued. I said, "If my future husband wants to have a big wedding, he is free to plan it to his heart's content, with my full support." I cannot imagine anything I'd rather do less. Pele has reassured me, though, that something on the scale I'd like isn't so onerous as what she has going on (150 attendees!). Yeesh.

So, maybe I don't want a wedding...I never have, actually. But the marriage/partnership part? I've always wanted that. Why is it so dam elusive? There I go again. I sure hope the self-pity is ending soon. It's getting tiresome.

Grateful for: patience.

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