Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Failure

It's a shame how negative my thoughts are these days. I need to get back to the blog because the whole gratitude aspect used to cheer me up. Lord knows I need some cheering.

In the meantime, though, I feel like a failure. Well, maybe not a failure so much as a mediocrity. Geez, hard on myself much?

I have failed to be productive at work for days. I haven't even unpacked (much).  Even my sit-and-read-the-funnies-at-work colleague spent a good chunk of today unpacking. I'm not doing real work and I'm not unpacking. What the fuck am I doing?

I am a failure at romantic relationships. I'm thinking I should just give up and assume I'm never getting married and I'm never having kids. Maybe if I could just accept those things, I'd be happier. See, I always assumed that I would get married and that I would have children, in that order. Marriage isn't essential but the partnership is. While I think I'm competent enough to raise a child on my own, I just can't see going to the doctor to get knocked up. It feels supremely selfish. (Oddly, I think it's fine when lesbian couples do this. I'm not sure why I have this double standard.) I want my child to know her parents and not grow up with a lot of unanswered questions and possible resentment about her sperm donor father.

I have to ask, how did it come to this? How am I the single one? It's damn depressing and I have no idea what to do about it.

I'm sure I'll have another boyfriend, eventually. The evidence would support this. But there is no reason to think that the next one, or the one after, or any of the ones to follow will be the one I marry.

Right. I am feeling sorry for myself. But don't you dare feel sorry for me or send any pity my way. Please! It's bad enough, truly.

I have decided that things are over with Kent, though, of course, for practical purposes it's been over for a while. But I did was write and tell him that I don't have the heart for regular (or even irregular) correspondence...at least for a while. It makes me so, so sad. (This is the sad email I mentioned previously.)

He responded about five days after I sent the message. He was very kind, saying that of course he wanted to stay in touch and a bunch of other sweet things that actually made me even sadder because, well, it wasn't a fantasy, it was a real relationship and I don't want it to be over. But if I don't start putting it to bed, I may never move on and moving on seems to be required.

Dammit.

Oh, and I am getting interviewed tomorrow for my potential promotion. This may seem like success (or pre-success) and I suppose it is. I'm moderately successful in a job that I hate and I may get to promoted to another job that I may or may not like. Go me.

Grateful for: potential.

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