Thursday, August 21, 2008

The plot

On Tuesday, I made plans with Dara to go to the movies. She invited Peter. I was out for a lot of the day but I made a quick dash home to eat dinner and check email. Dara had emailed a confirmation of the time we'd meet. I caught Pele online and we IM'd a little. I microwaved my dinner.

I could SEE A. on the IM. Argh. That killed me but I just continued to act like he didn't exist. I had other plans, after all.

The phone rang. It was the Brazilian guy. I know, I know, why did I give him my number? Basically, he was cute. I have no other explanation. He asked me to go for drinks that night. I said I was sorry, but I had other plans. We got off the phone.

Then A. IM'd. Ah ha! My evil plot of making other plans and passing out my numbers to strange men on the street was paying off. He wrote (after the preliminaries), "do you want to see me today?"

Well, huh, let me think about that…

In the end, we planned to meet late, after the movies.

Now, this is not an entirely satisfactory resolution. In fact, it's no resolution at all. However, it is confirmation that...hmm…that I'm not so undesirable that the person I'm dating would completely disappear without a trace? Gee, that's kind of a low standard, isn't it?

I will say this, while I enjoyed seeing A., I may be over worrying and feeling anxious about the whole thing (famous last words). No, I haven't turned into a new person, the kind of person who can casually take what she can get from someone who is only slightly available. I haven't changed from the person who builds castles in the air and makes a whole lot of something out of nothing.

But it became very clear to me that the something out of nothing I want is not going to happen with A.--and that I'm not even sure I want it to. That might have been the most surprising part of all. I could sort of see what I wanted and who I wanted it with--and it wasn't A.

I do like him. He is desirable in many ways. If he continues to contact me, I'll probably continue to see him (if it's convenient). I don't think I'll call him anymore, though. It is utterly pointless. Not once have I been able to initiate plans with him--not once! He seems pleased if I call (email, text, whatever), but he is NEVER free when I ask him to get together. Message received.

It's amazing how much my expectations have adjusted. I wonder how long this will last before the crazy comes back? Hmm, I should probably stop calling caring about people and having strong feelings "crazy." In this case, I think I piled a lot of stuff at A.'s feet that didn't have much to do with him. Seeing him did help clarify that, so if I did push to see him, and it helped me get here, I'm glad I did it. If I don't see him again? I'm sure I will care and I will be sad but I'm more certain than ever that I can weather it without too much more pain.

And, except for A., I think the dating moratorium commences now. Whew, that's a relief!

Grateful for: the calm.

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