Monday, February 25, 2008

Where did it go?

Last week, I was still angry at TR and feeling the full force of my frustration. At home, I scratched Miss Tabitha's head and said, "We're going to Paris."

I called my mother, told her the plan and invited her to go to Paris with me for a week in April to reconnoiter and choose a neighborhood and maybe find an apartment. (Mom speaks French and should be an asset if she doesn't fold under the pressure.)

On Saturday night, I was downright (upright?) buoyant as I drove from soccer practice to home to rush-rush prepare to meet a few friends for a birthday celebration (mine: actual birthday is on Tuesday).

I was still feeling good and enthused (and exhausted) on Sunday, before and after my soccer game.

This morning, I woke feeling nothing but exhausted. I read all your comments. Blog readers are 100% in agreement that I should to go Paris.

But the bloom is off the rose. I'm not saying I don't want to go but at this precise moment, I'm not feeling it.

I come to work and see TR for the first time in a week. I tell him a new idea (new to him!) I have for a project and he's almost startled. Is it that hard to believe that I have ideas? No, of course not. He dumps/gives me a bunch of work and I laze around all day and nibble at it. I want to like my job. I want to be good at this work. I fear—nay—I'm sure it will never happen. Well, I like to think I'm good and I know what I'm doing, but the excitement will never be there. Never was there.

Yet it's so damn comfortable. My house is so cozy. How will I decide which things to trash and which to save? How will I convince someone to take over treasurer duties at the condo? Should I try and refinance the mortgage now? All this stuff to decide and plan. And I can do it. As soon as I make the first decision (to go or not to go), the rest will fall in line and won't be that difficult. I'm a person of action after I make the first decision. Pretty much everything I've every decided to do, I've done. When I set the plan, I follow through.

I walked home with TR today and he said, "I took what you said to heart." I hemmed and hawed. I wanted to tell him but I couldn't, I didn't. I wanted to get his opinion, as a friend, but I can't. It's the kind of thing I would normally talk to TR about...but I can't. It's not like a regular job--ok, that's not true--but it feels more, I feel more connected to some of the people at this work place than I ever have. TR is, despite my frustration with him, one of my best friends. And even though I was angry at him, he does value me. How could he not? And I'm going to abandon him? Oy. The guilt! I know that's not how this decision gets made. That staying is not good for me. But this sure isn't easy. Sigh.

Grateful for: friendship.

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