Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Discouraged

It's not been the most productive day—nor the least productive. I got a little work done. I distracted myself with email and facebook. I politely gave the air to a would-be sack-jumper. I won't ever understand the guys who start the sex come on with barely even a "how do you do."

To wit:
Guy: nice smile
Jamy: Thanks!
Guy: wanna have some fun some time?
Jamy: What kind of fun? Amusement park fun? [Note: I'm not particularly fond of amusement parks and I know what he means.]
Guy: like bedroom fun lol duh
Jamy: Really? That's what you meant? Who knew. Got that covered, thanks. Good luck!
Guy: lol okie dokie just thought u were really cute but koodos to the man whos got that covered for u
See what I did there? I lied. It's not that I'm not interested in "bedroom fun." I very much am. I'm just not feeling desperate about it—like I need to jump at any and all opportunities. (Warning: denials of desperation usually mean one thing and one thing only.) I know that it can take a long time for desirable opportunity to come along. I also know that there is nothing but a lot of regret and fleeting pleasure to be taken from the current batch of options. So, I'll bide my time. Which means no bedroom fun with the guy above,SL, or anyone else anytime soon. That is one of the most discouraging sentences I've written for a long time.

Other than that, the day has been a little sad. I do have to go funeral related events this weekend because my coworker's son died suddenly last week. He was in his early 20's and had just gotten married. Yeesh. I can't wrap my head around it. I mean, how do you deal with that? How do you think about it?



The above was written last Friday before I broke my computer by tripping over the power cord. I'm getting it back today but I was computer-free all weekend and, thus, didn't get any writing done.

This weekend, I attended a "visitation" for the death mentioned above, I had a date with SL (a real date: he picked me up, took me to dinner, etc.), hung out with PW and got a heck of a lot of knitting done (to the detriment of my shoulder). You may remember that I promised a scarf to each of my six nieces. I've now completed five. I should really make a scarf for my niece-in-law and my nephews too...but I can't think about that right now.

The funeral stuff was very sad but I was just amazed by my colleague. He's a very kind, good-natured man and it seems that his temperament (or whatever you call it), is unperturbed by recent events. He thanked us work-folks for showing up and told us to hug our close ones. Wow. I admire him. I was mostly sad and felt weird being so sad when I never even met the kid.

Then, after sadness, I went out on a very frustrating date with SL. He wanted to put his arm around me, touch my hair, pat my back and it made me very uncomfortable. He seemed to read an awful lot into a kiss or two.

When I was younger, one kiss would have me ready to marry the guy, practically. Now, one kiss is a pleasure, but not much more. It does mean something. I don't tend to kiss guys I don't like. But it doesn't mean I have any other intentions, honorable or not.

SL seemed to think it meant something, but I'm not sure what. The unfortunate thing is that we spent the end of the evening discussing it. That's just death to any future anything--friendship, romance, what you will. And then he called me three times on Monday and we got to talk about it some more (we didn't talk three times--only once). When I said, "I'm not sure how this would work out well," I was ignored. I was told not to judge on just a few things. I was told not to be defensive. I was told that I was very attractive.

I can't deal with this. It's like old-married-couple style bickering after one date! Absurd! My life. This is the story of my life.

It's not like I'm going to become a shut-in, but how many more guys do I have to go through this with? How many guys are going to give me long complicated explanations about how I do or do not fit into their lives? How do I keep choosing so poorly?

Anyway, I did talk on the phone with the reasonable guy and that went well (though I was afraid I talked too much, his email of today refuted that). And I heard back from "Love to!" He actually tried to make plans on Sunday for Monday (lame), but since I didn't have my computer, I didn't answer him until today. Today, I gave him options, but it's anyone's guess if that will ever come together.

I know I have options. I know I should feel flattered that SL is making so much effort. Instead, I feel discouraged. Hopefully tomorrow I'll get back to seeing the positive side of all this. All what? Life, I guess. I'm lucky to have it, which I must remember.

Grateful for: life.

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