I’m done. I’m done calling, I’m done waiting, I’m done deciding that there is hope. Done.
J: So, I think we broke up.
S: You think? You don’t know?
J: I’m pretty sure. I’m not sure what he thinks, but I’m pretty sure we’re broken up. But we didn’t say it.
S: What happened?
J: Well, there was all this craziness on Sunday. Then that terrible phone call on Monday. Then, yesterday, Tuesday, I sent him an email and, after a really long time he wrote back that he was still at home, sick. So I called him, but he didn’t answer. I called again later, on my way home. And the conversation was terrible, again. But I was determined. I had decided I didn’t want to break up. And he was still saying, “I want to be alone” and “I’m bad, I’m mean. I want to be mean so you won’t care so much.”
J: Yeah, it was weird. So then he says, “I don’t know if I can be the man you need me to be.” And I’m like, what is wrong with him. I said, “Isn’t that up to me to decide?”
S: That’s right.
J: Right. So he’s like, “You’re very persuasive.” And I’m thinking, that’s good, because I’m trying to be persuasive. I don’t want to break up. But he’s still saying he doesn’t want me to care and asking why do I care. And I say, “Why do I care?” Why do I care? Whatever. So, I say, “It would really help me if we could make a plan, like for Saturday, and then I can just leave you alone until then. If I know we’re going to see each other again, then I won’t worry.”
S: What did he say?
J: He just kept saying he couldn’t do that, he didn’t know. And I asked him to tell me what was wrong. I said I didn’t know what to do because he wouldn’t tell me what the problem was. And he brings up the sort of fights or arguments we’d had on Friday and Saturday. And I told him again that I didn’t think that we would have that much conflict in the future because we never had before. But I stopped myself and said, “Haven’t we already talked about this?” He didn’t respond. So, finally, I said, “What do you want me to do?” And he says, “Whatever you want to do.” And I said, “Fine. Goodbye.” And I hung up. [Note: it’s really too bad you can’t slam a cell phone down, ‘cause that hang up should have been loud.]
S: And that was it?
J: Yeah, so, I mean, I think we broke up, but I don’t know. I haven’t heard from him, so he probably thinks so too. Anyway, I’m not calling him again, so I guess he got what he wanted.
S: Well, it’s certainly in his hands.
J: It sure is.
On the gratitude front: I’m grateful to know that what I did was not causal. That is, I triggered some crazy reaction in Jake, but it has little to do with my actual self. It wasn’t me. It was just me. Ha ha. Or something. It doesn’t matter, because I recognize exactly the ways in which I behaved poorly and it just wasn’t that bad. He is the one who overreacted. Ah, well, he was a sweetheart while it lasted. That’s something.