Friday, January 21, 2005


Am I worried because I worry or because there is a reason to worry? Jake. Jake called me Wednesday night. We talked for about an hour until his phone ran out of batteries. What is it about Jake? I certainly like him, but it feels like…like something is missing. Is Jake missing something? Or is something missing from our interaction? Maybe I will figure this out when we drive to Baltimore on Friday for our next date. When he called, it was perfectly natural. I was happy he called and not nervous at all. I liked that feeling. It just seemed like our conversation had no substance, no depth. I'm afraid this may be a real problem.

Then, Thursday, Ethan called and this time I answered the phone. He's a good guy and I like talking to him. He really wanted to ask me out again. In some ways I feel more connected to him than to Jake. But, it doesn't feel right with Ethan. Maybe we will go out again. I don't know. It's very confusing. I talk to Jake and I feel like, if I wanted, this guy would be my boyfriend. But, I don't want a boyfriend. I want more, I want to get married and have kids. Is that what I should be thinking, or should I be thinking about having a boyfriend and then seeing what happens? I don't know. Maybe it's better to start with the boyfriend and make sure he's the kind of guy with whom that other stuff is vaguely possible. Avoid the sure to be dead-end relationships. Can I tell which those dead-end ones are? Sometimes I have known it was dead-end from the first moment I met the guy and I went ahead anyway. Other times, I picked a guy because of his marriage potential and tried to stick around even though I was unhappy. What's the lesson there? Pick someone who I really like, not because he seems marriageable. But, pass on the ones I know for certain are "bad."

I am grateful that I am starting to figure this out. Better late than never!

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