Conversations

A post in two parts.

Part 1

A while ago, I struck up a virtual friendship with a fellow I met via the internet. We took to chatting a little during the work day, which was great when things were slow, and amusing when I was busy. He's a computer guy, so I asked him a bunch of questions and he was helpful. When we started chatting, I was experiencing the unraveling of my relationship with Kent and was particularly mopey. Every time I said something about being sad, my internet friend would tell me to cheer up, much to my annoyance. At the same time, he was getting together with a long-time crush and was often ecstatically happy. I was as happy for him as I could be and I chimed in with encouragement and advice when asked.

We're still chatting from time to time, usually initiated by him, but our relationship plot lines have switched. He is in the midst of a relationship crisis with his would-be girlfriend, while I am happily engaged in my fledgling relationship with Curt. So, what do we talk about now? His heartbreak. How he can't sleep. How much he misses her. Etc. If I mention anything else, it all goes back to her. I never tell him to cheer up, instead, I sympathize, tell him to not to pressure her and take care of himself. I don't point out that when our situations were roughly reversed he only ever told me to get happy.

The problem is, I am tired of chatting with him. I think he is a good guy but he is awfully selfish. I don't even know if my words, kind though they may be, are of any comfort to him. Even if they were, reciprocity is completely lacking in our virtual friendship. I want out. How do I get out, though? I have no idea. I've had this problem before and I didn't manage to handle it gracefully then. Suggestions welcome.

Part 2

As I mentioned, I showed the blog to Curt. Yesterday, he told me he'd read some of it and said "it's very well written." Aww, you know how to flatter me. He also said he understood better my feelings about him reading the blog after reading my post about our discussion (um, I'm pretty sure that wasn't well written). I was surprised because I thought I'd merely transcribed our conversation and not elaborated at all (upon re-reading, I realize that I did elaborate slightly). Anyway. What he said next was really interesting, "I'm worried that the blog could be a way for you to communicate things with me that you wouldn't say otherwise." Wow. I'm getting a lot of credit for thinking ahead that I don't deserve. I've never purposefully used the blog like that, but I can see what he means. It took reading about our conversation for it to 'click' with him. But maybe that's more about him than me?

Overall, he was mostly comfortable and pleased with the way I'd written about him. "I look pretty good." I said, "You are pretty good. You should be flattered." He also said that he didn't want me to feel constrained in what I wrote, which would seem to contradict the sentiment above, a contradiction he acknowledged. I think that's really sweet but it's also inevitable that I will restrain myself and take his feelings into consideration. However, even if he didn't care at all what I said about him, I'm not terribly inclined to write angsty posts these days, nor would I ever be inclined to have a current boyfriend read such posts--about himself, no less! So, that won't be going on here. I'll continue to seek out other topics and include minor boyfriend-related incidents as appropriate.  I guess all that is to say that while life isn't angst-free it's far from the dominant sentiment these days, which is quite a relief.

Grateful for: a real life friend.

Fortitude

I need the strength to stay late at work. Not because I have lots to do but because I desperately need more vacation time. I can earn more by working later and saving up those hours to add to my leave. I can only accrue 24 of these extra hours, but it sure couldn't hurt.

I need to go to Seattle. I want to go. I want to stay for at least a week. I don't have that much vacation time. I have three days right now. But I dislike being in this office so much that it's really hard for me to stay late. What in the world will I do? Oh, right, unpack. Off I go...

---

I did stay until 7pm last night, despite being very tired. I even walked home. It was hot but not too hot. Ate dinner, did some knitting. Went to bed around 11:30pm and was WIDE AWAKE. I could not fall asleep.

Usually, I'm asleep 10-20 minutes after I lie down--occasionally, 30 minutes. The only time I have trouble sleeping is the night before a trip--annoyingly almost any trip, so moving to Paris for six months vs. going to New Jersey for two days have about an equal chance of messing up my sleep. But last night, I think I was up for at least two hours before I feel asleep. I suppose, well, I know what I'm anxious about, I guess, though it's way in the back of my mind and really shouldn't cause wakefulness, but that's not how it works, is it?

So, another tired day at the office. Reading boring things, unpacking boxes (one down today already) and staying late, if possible. Sigh.

Grateful for

Big Saturday Night

I have a weekend full of plans yet I find myself on my own tonight. As someone suggested, I could write any angry post about it, but I won't. I could go out--I have at least two good options--but I spent the whole day walking around and now I'm settled in at home and I don't want to leave. I haven't just stayed home and relaxed for a while. I have plenty to eat and drink, several knitting projects, and a lot of entertainment. I may even go to sleep early. Ah, sleep. That is a problem now because it gets light so early. I don't use an alarm clock so when it gets light earlier, I wake up earlier. This morning, I woke up around 5:30 but was able to fall back asleep until around 8:30, which would have been great except that I went to sleep around 1am. Yikes.

The other day, I showed Curt the blog. I said I would do it and I did. He was surprised, kept saying he wouldn't read it if I didn't want him to, that I didn't need to show him. I said I wanted to show him and that it was ok. He thanked me. We talked about it again today and he said, "It sounds like you...don't want me to read it?"

I said, "Well, ok, this is the deal, if you want to read it, you have my permission."

He said, "That doesn't sound like you want me to read it..."

"Well, no, I mean, I'm sort of halfway between wanting you to read it and not wanting you to read it. I will understand if it's not your cup of tea, that's fine. But I would be unhappy if you didn't like it."

He said, "Ok, so, if I feel like looking at it, I will."

"Ok." And...I guess I should have said, "And if you do look at it, tell me what you think." Or maybe not.

The other day, I was about to make a resolution to write on the blog every day. What, am I nuts?  I was thinking that on Thursday when I walked out of the office for a late (very late) lunch. I had soup--hot soup on a hot day--but I wasn't very hungry and that's all I wanted. I sat outside in the hot sun and ate my soup. When I walked outside and was deciding which table I would choose among the many empty ones, a young woman caught my eye and smiled at me. I smiled back and sat far away from her and the two or three other people outside. After a few minutes, a man got up and approached the young woman.

To set the scene fully: she was in her mid-twenties, black, short denim skirt, tank top and a knit cap sitting on the table next to her. The man was late forties, white, grey hair, mild paunch, scruffy beard, loose jeans and an untucked short-sleeve button down shirt. He left his drink on the table and stopped at the young woman's table. He said, "Can I take you shopping?" Apparently she didn't hear him because he repeated himself several times. "Can I take you shopping?" Eventually she said, "That wouldn't be right, I'm a married woman." He asked why not, it was just shopping. She said, "That would be like cheating!" He discussed it with her a while longer and then went back to his table.

Another man came outside and she smiled at him. I realized this woman was making eyes at everyone who walked by. After the second man sat down, she walked up to him and bummed a cigarette. The first man followed her with his eyes but said nothing. A third man came out and lit the cigarette that she'd bummed. I was done with my soup and I left. She smiled at me when I walked by on my way to the door.

Then I went back to work and continued to unpack my boxes. Only four left.

Grateful for: life going on all around me.

Files and friends

A few months ago, we moved into our new cubicle land offices. I unpacked two boxes, out necessity, but avoided my many others for as long as possible. My ability to avoid unpacking ended this week because even more boxes arrived and in order to clear space for them we had to unpack the existing batch. I've made good progress and I'm about halfway home--but it's a slow and painful process. Part of why it is so slow is that I'm sorting as I go. I'm looking through heaps of meticulously labeled files that once put away were never glanced at again. Yet, it's hard to decide whether or not to throw them away. I had a little email conversation about this with Curt. He wrote, "Maybe it's because files are like your children. It's hard to let go."

I responded, "So you’re saying that if I love my files I should let them go…to recycling?"

Curt wrote, "It's the circle of life!"

I really need to throw all this stuff away.

---

I'm also having a facebook dilemma. First, my mom wanted to be my friend. What could I do but accept her request? Now, I'm getting all these friend suggestions for people with whom I have no mutual friends, but somehow facebook knows that I know them. How does facebook know? Who are they? Ex-not-quite-boyfriends and one actual ex-boyfriend and one friendly acquaintance. Other suggestions are the spouses of friends from grad school who I didn't even know were married. I guess it's clear that I don't invite these folks to be friends but I will accept any friend requests I receive. Still, it's odd to have the face of that nice fellow I dated a few times in Seattle but whom I haven't spoken to in many, many years popping up as a suggestion over and over. Is there a way to make that stop?

Grateful for: letting go.

Ah, the blog

Hello blog! Been a while. I've been thinking about you, honestly. I'm just too lazy, distracted, and ambivalent to give you the attention I used to. I almost said "the attention that you deserve" but since "you" are actually "me" I don't completely agree with that statement. However, since I do need to keep the gratitude side going, I definitely should spend at least a little more time with you.

Since I last wrote, I spent the weekend in New Jersey with my brother's family and my father. He was there to attend the 85th birthday party of one of our oldest (as in longest duration) family friends. She feels like a relative to me and I wrangled an invite for myself, via the good graces of my brother. It was a pleasant enough weekend but witnessing my two nieces and nephews burst into tears over the pettiest of slights gave me some serious pause about having kids (not that I'll necessarily have the opportunity) but, boy, are they tough on each other and super tough on their parents. I am grateful to have them in my life and wish I could spend more time with them--but I am very appreciative of all the hard parenting work that is going on that is not my job.

The party itself was ok though, of course, I didn't get to do more than say hello to the guest of honor. I did know a couple of people there and after we'd eaten and the short speeches were given, my dad actually asked me dance. He even complimented my dress (which he didn't manage to do once when we were in Israel). So, while he is a poor dancer, it was a thoughtful gesture and I had a lot of fun dancing with him and the few other people I knew. I love to dance and don't do it often enough.

What else? Soccer season is over. I could play in a summer league but I'm inclined not to. I still have a few days to decide. It would be cool if I could get Curt to go to some dancing lessons with me--he's expressed a vague interest. But that's not really the same thing at all. I wish I could row but my shoulder is still iffy. I need to do something because I am too sluggish these days. I am not good at getting myself to the gym just for the sake of the gym. It's a problem.

Oh, and knitting. I finally finished the socks I was making for Amanda and I almost immediately cast on for another pair. I am still working on my sweater--second sleeve is almost done and then I'll just have the button bands and collar--really only a few more hours work! But the sweater is too big and warm to carry around so I need a small, simple easy-to-transport project, thus socks.

The twist, as it were, is that the socks are for Curt. I've asked him a couple of times if he'd like socks or a hat--something small and relatively easy--he said yes but then added, "I don't want to force you to make socks for me!" Oh, silly, I want to knit something for you--I'm just worried that you don't really want it. But, one thing you can say for Curt is that he speaks the truth. Thus, if he says he'd like socks, he means it. If he says he's ok going somewhere (happy hour, a party), he means it. If he doesn't want to do something, he says no. I have to learn to trust that because such frankness is rare. I am lucky.

Grateful for: honesty.

Timing

The other day, I had a date with Curt. I made the mistake of introducing a relationship topic rather late in the evening. While I’m quite content with the outcome of the conversation, it does raise the question: why this timing?

It’s a bad habit and one that annoys me when others do it. I used to have this boyfriend in Chapel Hill—I always call him my North Carolina boyfriend—who would open up to me consistently at three in the morning. It drove me crazy. Right about when I’d be falling asleep—be it at midnight or two am—he’d start telling me stories of childhood woe. After a while, I realized that he was giving me important information and that I need to pay attention. Still, it made me a little nuts.

I basically did the same thing. He was annoyed because he needed time to think about what he wanted to say and wasn’t so well prepared to handle serious stuff when he might prefer to be relaxing.

Truth is, I couldn’t think of a good time to have the conversation. I preferred to do it while not making eye contact. So, dinner was out. Sitting around in public waiting for the movie to start was out. Driving home rather late in the evening was out since the topic was too distracting. Sitting in the car, outside someone’s house might have been the right time, but we didn’t do that either. Oh well.

I promise to try and do better. Still and all, I think we handled it well. I’m happy today and before our date, I wasn’t.

Other random date events:

• On the long, slow drive to our destination, I did some knitting. I said, “Do you mind?” He said, “It would take a lot more than that to offend me.”
• I did a poor job of giving directions but he followed my suggestions. It all came out right. We didn’t argue at all about the driving. Remarkable.
• He was going to let me drive his fancy car home but I was too tired. I wish I’d done it.

Grateful for: forward motion.

Doctor

The other day, I had to go to the doctor. No big deal, just a regular check up. Because I went to GW, which is a teaching hospital, I was first seen by a resident who took a very thorough history. After she introduced herself as doctor x, I said, "I'm Doctor [Barab]." She looked a little surprised and then said, "Oh! What kind of doctor?" I told her and then said, "It's ok, you can call me [Jamy]."

I have wanted to do this for years. It's crazy that you're supposed to call the doctor "Doctor" and they're supposed to call you by your first name. What's up with that? What if I weren't a doctor? Can't I be called Ms. whatever? No wonder it's hard to ask the doctor questions--sometimes I make a list before I go in--the whole system is designed to intimidate.

I don't really feel intimidated, though. No, what I feel when I go to the doctor is VERY HEATHY. To the point where I completey forget any nagging little questions--because there couldn't possibly be anything wrong with me...la la la.

And there never is. The doctor loves me.

Grateful for: good health.

Themes

Nearly a week without a post. It has happened before but mostly because I was too busy, had no privacy or no internet access. That's the not the reason this time. The reason this time is that I've lost my focus, my clarity, my urgency about writing. I've grown disconnected from this place, from the "dating" theme. The gratitude theme, though, is still relevant and always will be since I can easily fall into a funk. As to dating, it's not like there isn't plenty of material. I am still dating Curt and he says enough funny/ridiculous/outrageous/smart things that I could fill many pages with the stories. But I won't. Heck, I'm not even writing in my paper journal, even though I've been carrying it around for weeks.

Sigh. This is just the kind of thing I don't want to write. Aimless, formless, indecisive.

I keep noticing all the people I walk by on my daily commute. Today, a woman on the bus asked me (in Spanish) if I spoke Spanish. I said (in Spanish), "A little." She asked something about "catorce" (which means fourteen). I didn't know if she meant the street or the bus. I told her the bus went to fourteenth street. Later, after leaving the bus, with my ears full of ipod, I passed a young man having a rather vigorous argument with himself. I couldn't hear what he said since I was plugged in. He didn't look crazy otherwise but he definitely wasn't on his phone.

I don't know. I don't know where I want to go with this space. I need a name change or a new blog or a long break or something.

Grateful for: options.

Refresh

How long has it been since I wrote about the blog? Probably not long enough...but here goes anyway. The other day, I had further discussions with Curt about his discomfort with the blog. What he doesn't like is being public with personal information. I completely understand that he would not choose to share the things I share on the blog. I'm fairly certain that I'm not sharing anything about him that he would mind the whole world knowing--none of this stuff is secret. Not to mention that I think he's unidentifiable since I've barely described him (nor will I, though it would be fun).

Those of you who will meet him eventually will either already know this stuff or figure it out soon enough. Those of you who will never meet him don't know him anyway but if you did, it wouldn't matter--what I've shared about him isn't terribly personal or private. But, what I share about myself often is or can be. That's why I told him that it would be best if he read the blog a few weeks from now. I haven't written anything that would be news to him but some of my reflecting may make him a tad uncomfortable.

I have to say, my whole approach to the blog is so completely different than when I started writing. In the beginning, I was very much trying to beef up my descriptive skills and I love, love, love to write dialog. I also adore the way stories unfold on blogs--the serialization of life. I really enjoyed writing those stories. Now, I just don't have it in me. I feel too private, too possessive of my story to share the details with the world. I do share it with a lot of friends, many more than Curt probably ever will, and he can be uncomfortable about that too, but it's completely legit (and he doesn't actually mind). I am a storyteller and I will tell our story to my friends. I don't think I'll ever open myself up to the blog commenter assault that greeted some of my past relationship stories. It wasn't terrible that it happened, in fact, that process probably helped me get to where I am now (though I could have lived without the more hurtful comments). I am now in a place where where I don't engage in doomed relationships. The process of writing about those relationships in a semi-public way made me accountable in a way I never was before. The perspective I gained was tremendous. I am on the other side of it now and much the better for the experience, but that experience is over and I have to move along to something else.

The question is: what is that something else? I can't imagine giving up the blog, it's almost second nature to me. Maybe I need some new kind of challenge, though. I'm not sure. I have to give this some thought.

Grateful for: learning.

Walking

Last week, I walked home with TR for the first time in at least a month. He is so busy that I rarely see him these days. I hung around while he finished up some work and we left around 7pm.

On the walk I said, "I have a secret." I told him that things were over with Kent and that I'd started seeing someone else. TR and Curt only know each other by sight, mostly he was interested in the general news that I'm seeing someone new.

He said, "Wait, before you tell me more, let me ask a few questions. First, is he a Republican?"

I laughed, "Yes!"

"Is he separated but not divorced??"

Still laughing, "No!"

"Is he ten years older or younger than you?"

"No!"

TR said, "Sounds great!"

I said, "You left one out--'is he Catholic?' He is." We both laughed.

"You're right--I forgot that one."

"Nobody's perfect."

Curt has had some difficulty believing that TR and I are friends based on my extensive work-related complaints about him. I never doubted that we really are friends but it's nice to be reminded of that. Who but a good friend would be able to ask me those questions and get me to laugh at the same time?

Grateful for: old friends.