Saturday, October 17, 2015


The last couple of weeks have been a bit overwhelming. I was in Alabama for work less than a week after I came back from my eventful NY visit. I had a couple of days downtime. Worked from home on a Friday. Cleaned the house the best I could over the weekend. Went to a party on Saturday afternoon that lasted into the night. Recovered and cleaned some more on Sunday. Then to Alabama--the last state I had left on my list. That's right--I've officially been to all 50 states now--meaning at a minimum I ate a meal there, though usually it also means I spent the night. Back from AL, I went the next day to a wedding. I drove there--it was only 1.5 hours away. Spent the night. Drove back and went straight to the company picnic. Then home to our 2nd annual block party. I was so tired!

The next day both Spesh and my eldest brother (B1) arrived for visits. I had space and they said it was ok. Other than sleeping in the same room, they didn't interact much. B1 was busy doing work things and seeing friends other than me. Doubt I would've been included in more even if Spesh weren't around, so perhaps the timing was fortuitous.

That meant that every night--Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday--was a social event. In the mean time, some texting with the guy from NY. Sporadic because he's in a kind of hell while his 20-something sibling slowly and painfully departs this world. Then also texting with a guy I met 2 years ago. We had one bizarre but not terrible date. He sent me a naked pic and I cut him off. I never blocked his number, though. He texted me on Saturday and didn't know who I was at first, but he remembered me. He was not quite as frantic as I remembered. He played nice and we ended up getting together on Thursday--the day after everyone went home. Well, Spesh went to another friend. Same friend who he stayed one night with on his last visit. And it pissed me off to no end that time. This time, I still didn't like it, but at least I was mentally prepared. I met them all for dinner Wednesday and then went off to a mixer for a dating site and it was pretty terrible.

On Thursday, I could barely move. I was just wrung out. But work was also non-stop. I worked from home. And in the late afternoon, I met Simon. I'm not really sure what I was thinking but I don't regret seeing him. We had a good time and the date ended early enough that I still got a good night's sleep.

I worked from home again on Friday. I had a headache but also the thought of going to the office made me clench my jaw and introduce a whole other kind of pain. I made some coffee, took all my calls, answered all my emails, and even did some of my report editing. That damn report will be the death of me. I don't even know how many hours I've spent on it by now. The whole thing is absurd.

Simon did text me the next day, like he said he would. I gave him the chance to show me. But I don't even know what I think about him. He's interesting. He is probably not boyfriend material. But neither is the guy in NY, who doesn't even really live in NY. And Spesh already has a new girlfriend because of course he does. It was good to see him. I ribbed him a little but we didn't fight. He said he was missing the intellectual stimulation of having me (and another old friend, Will) around. That was nice. I actually miss that too. I don't think I get the kind that interaction with any of my other friends...though my life doesn't feel like a vapid unstimulating wasteland. It feels spotted with good friends I don't see enough and a variety of new friends and activities that keep me jumping. I want things I don't have, but the things I have are good. I'm not lonely. Even if I miss Spesh, Seattle friends, and random men who I will never see again.

Grateful for: a full social life.

Sunday, October 04, 2015


I'm sitting in the coffee shop, per usual. When am I ever writing to you from anywhere else? It's Sunday. I am trying and failing to do work. Like, completely failing. I was out last night. I drank a lot. My head is fuzzy. I don't have a headache but I also have no focus. I'm also a little sad. I met someone last, earlier this week...who I really like. I just feel done. Like, if I could actually meet this person and if there were anyway it would work out to be with him, I'd be happy. But it's not like that. It can't be like that. I was in New York for work. I met him online. He was there because his sibling is very ill. We decided to have a drink--he needed the distraction and I was like, what the heck. I was working the next day, but in a support role. I figured I wouldn't stay out that late. I was planning to have a drink with him. I'd gotten the idea that he had a girlfriend back home (he's American but lives in Europe) so I didn't have anything else in mind. (I'm not 100% sure he doesn't have a gf, but I didn't ask--I don't think so, though.) Anyway, we met for a drink around 10pm. We talked. I talked. He smoked. He ordered an undrinkable drink and he wouldn't send it back. When the waiter came to check on us, I said the drink was undrinkable and we got a new one. I think he was relieved. We only had that one drink. Then took a walk, far north into even further north Harlem. I realized I couldn't walk back to my hotel alone. So, he walked back with me. The hotel had a sort of sunken courtyard in front of theentrance and we sat there and he smoked and we talked. And I told him the plot...the entire plot...of an incredibly stupid movie I'd watched part of earlier that day. And I tried to decide if I'd invite him up but by then, I think I had decided. The idea was that we would watch a stupid movie. We lay back on the king sized bed, each in our separate spaces and watched a really stupid movie. I did most of the heckling. We didn't touch for a long time. And then I had my head on his shoulder and he had his arm around me and it felt just right, like I could stay there a long time.

This seems like just the beginning. We were up late, late, but he fell asleep around 5:30. I don't think I slept. He snored and made other strange noises. I had to get up around 7:00 for work, so I woke him up. I was late, I was so tired. After we left the hotel, he walked to me to the main street so I could catch a cab. And I helped him find the subway so he could visit his sister. And I was having a hard time keeping my balance and he held my hand. We stood on that corner saying goodbye, hugging and kissing, until I broke away to get in my cab.

We have been in touch by email/text since then. A little a day, not a constant barage. But that was Tuesday and this is Sunday and it's not very long. And he doesn't live here and he's very, very sad. And I'm sad. I know he's kind of a messy person in general, not just becuase of his current family catastrophe. I figure there's no future and I'm not hopeful about it or sad about it. Except I am sad about it and I wish I would see him again. I said he could come visit, but I don't think he will though he asked how long the train ride was. I's just not about that. I was already shutting things down. A few days before I met him--let's call him JT--I turned off the dating site I've been usuing. Too many junk messages were coming my way and I coudn't deal. I can turn it back on, but for now, it's quiet. I met JT on an app, and I wrote to him first. Expecting nothing because guys don't usually answer. But after Tuesday, I checked back in one more time to change my status to take out the mention of being in NY and then I turned it off too. So, I'm not online in those venues.

So regardless of what happens with JT, I am on a break. I could feel it coming for a while. The dating was starting to feel overwhelming. Work feels overwhelming. I am tired. I am dissatisfied. I need a vacation. I want to quit. I want to work on the paper I wrote a million years ago that is getting cited even though it's unpublished. I want to write again but I don't know what about. I don't know how to find the time to let myself just think. Just settle. I am taking a vacation starting in late October. The first part is a long train ride to the west coast (flying to Chicago and starting from there) and I'm really looking forward to it. Things are very busy for the next two weeks but I need to find some little quite spot in these weeks or I think I may lose it--I may get angry at someone who doesn't deserve it. I may lash out and I don't want to do that. I want to be my kind, calm, generous, happy ideal self. Or at least be reserved enough to keep my bad shit to myself.

Oh I am so tired.

Grateful for: oh you know.

Tuesday, September 08, 2015


Right, so is this still a dating blog? I can't figure out if things are great or terrible at the moment. I have such a strange feeling--it's like I'm on the edge of something.

First, work. No news from that great made-for-me in Seattle job. Starting to think I won't get the offer. I'm a little disappointed but it's ok. I haven't done all the other thinking and pushing needed to find other Seattle-based offers. Did I lose steam? I suppose. But I'm not giving up the idea entirely. I also asked for what I wanted at my new job--a clarification of my role in the organization and a transfer to the group that does work in my subject area. And they said yes. All I had to do was email the CEO, two VPs, and a director. Literally the same day I made my specific requests, I was called into a meeting with the CEO, one VP, and two directors. We discussed my project, my role, and my placement--and they said yes. Such a weird feeling. I will keep managing my horrible project but I will get more support. I won't do new work in this current group. It's SO different than at the old job where I spent 2 years trying to get them to accommodate me and never once was successful. This is a good thing about the new place. Yet, I don't really want to stay here. Sigh.

Second, dating. The Labor Day weekend was something of a dating spectacular. I don't think I've ever in the history of the blog--or in my life--had so many dates in such a short span of time. I met all of the guys online. They had a pretty narrow age span (30-35), but one 41-year-old outlier. All seemed like decent people. Two were explicitly looking for something more like an "arrangement" than a steady relationship, but all were open to the possibility. The run down:

D1: met him Friday, late afternoon. We'd chatted a bit over the week prior to the meeting. He did what I would call "long form" texting. Much longer texts than the average person, full of personal information. I actually had a pretty good sense of what he was like before we met. We were originally supposed to meet on Monday, but he cancelled, so I was pre-annoyed. But he kept our Friday date to the minute and I got over myself. We had a good time. I talked a lot and he laughed at my funny stories. He's good looking, 35, and not available for regular dating (we had a long text-chat about what he is available for). I liked him fine and after our date I let him know I'd be happy to see him again. He responded similarly but I haven't heard from him since. I am fine either way. I don't intend to contact him again.

D2: met him later on Friday. That's right--1 day, 2 dates! This was a quick meeting because he works a swing shift and we met on his "lunch" break. He was even younger (31), said in his profile he wasn't looking for something serious--but everything about him screamed serious to me. The "I want to be your boyfriend" vibe was almost palpable. But...but...I didn't want to be his girlfriend. Lots of reasons--mostly I didn't feel a strong connection and I didn't find him attractive. He was ok and sweet in a way, just not for me. I told him today I wasn't interested and he was so gracious about it--wished me luck and told me I was exactly his physical type. Kind of too bad I wasn't into him.

D3: met him on Saturday evening. We started talking Saturday morning and had a very interesting email exchange. Then he asked what I was up to in the afternoon. I was just puttering around getting the house ready for a cook-out on Sunday, so I said "nothing," and we made plans. Our plans got shifted to the evening after I exhausted myself weeding (because I'd been sick and near-sedentary for a week). Anyway, we had a bite to eat, a little walk, and a decent conversation. No connection--thus I'm not surprised I haven't heard from him. Too bad--he was the 41-year-old.

D4: we met on Monday morning (Labor Day!) for coffee. I was pretty knocked out due to the amount of sangria I drank during my cookout, but I wasn't going to cancel. We'd had a pretty light-weight email exchange going for a week or so. No great hopes and also he was young (30). The meeting was ok...he asked a lot of questions and I got going...and at one point he said, "Do you wan to ask me anything? You've said most of the words...but I did ask..." Huh, nice way of saying I talk to much? I didn't care, but then I steered the conversation back to him and he said plenty. He also thinks Forrest Gump is a good movie. I don't think we're a match. I also haven't heard from him again and probably won't.

And that isn't all...three weeks ago, I met a guy for a pre-work coffee at Union Station. He was just passing through from New Zealand. We'd had a great and funny chat and I really wanted to meet him. Our coffee date was short...but I definitely liked him and would've seen him again under other circumstances.  After our date, I felt a little melancholy. So odd. We kept up a regular text-chat while he was still roaming around America. Since he got back to NZ, we've had an occasional chat via FB. Right--we are FB friends. I also had his email and full name within maybe an hour of meeting him online. Those Kiwis are really guileless. I think it must be from coming from such a small place...or an island? I don't know. But the folks from the big cities and the small towns (at least the half dozen more or less who I've met) all have this quality. Anyway, early on he gave me his email because I said I might like to visit NZ. And we've talked about it since, in a sort of roundabout way. I started checking airfares yesterday. Would I really go to NZ in a month because I met this random person online? I have wanted to go for quite a while (you'll remember why). I wouldn't be going to visit him, new guy, exactly. But I suppose I would stay with him at least some of the time...and who knows what would happen. Would it be any crazier than everything else I'm contemplating? Certainly less permanent...

And that's not even all. There is someone else I've corresponded with for over a month who I've gotten attached to in an abstract way. I'll say more about him if we ever meet.

And then, today, I struck up a conversation with a guy who seems great--interesting, smart, well-traveled--we will try and meet next week. Neither of us has time before I head to NJ to visit family this weekend. In as much as any of these guys have potential, he does. What the what?

I'm exhausted.

Grateful for: so many dates.

Sunday, August 23, 2015


When was I here last? Over two years ago, for a meeting, for the old job. I came to the same coffee shop where I'm sitting now...or maybe that was the trip before, for the first in that series of two (?) meetings. I love Chicago. It's beautiful--the architecture is beautiful. I won't really go beyond the Loop on this visit, but that's ok. I'm at a conference--my professionl association conference--and I'm enjoying it. I'm foretting my stupid job. I'm under strict orders not to think about work and not to do any work. And I'm not. Screw it. I am hoping against I hoping? I think I'm hoping...that I get the offer of the job in Seattle. The interview was on Tuesday, not even a week ago, so I don't expect to hear anything yet. I'm such a perfect candidate, it's kind of absurd.

Here, at the conference, I've told a couple of people that I'm looking around for something new. The first person gave me her card and said to get in touch. The other, an old but not close grad school friend, said she'd keep her ears open for me. That sounds vague but from her, not really. Mom was right, I had to be here at this conference, keeping those connections alive, making new ones, putting the word out. If I do nothing else, that's enough.

I will do something else, though. It's Sunday and I'm going to some sessions this morning. This afternoon, I've decided to rent one of the shared bikes and take a ride by the lake. Tonight, I'm going to an informal reception. Tomorrow, Monday, which I'm hoping won't be crowded, I will visit the Art Institute. I'll take in a session and go home.

This is my kind of silly vacation filled with thinking and early mornings--but free of work. It's ok. I'm doing ok.

Grateful for: a break

Monday, August 03, 2015

What happened?

Where did I go? Typical. I am not sure about anything these days. The new job? It's going. It's frustrating and I'm kind of burned out on it. It's too much work for not enough reward. And I don't mean financial reward. The financial aspect is great--it's more than enough. But the emotional reward is almost negative. It's a totally different kind of problem than at the old job. Mostly, I'm on a united team here. I like almost everyone I work with. We're a good group and doing a mostly good job. It's not perfect but it's not merely functional either.  However, we're not the best team for the job and that's obvious to everyone involved, especially our client.

See...I could go on. Why does my whole life revolve around work that I don't even care very much about? Something is going on around here that has all my internal alarm bells ringing and I've started looking in earnest for different work. I'm staying in the same field (or trying to go back to my old field) but I have to get out. With my mother's help, I've expanded my search to Seattle. This mostly fills me with terror. I have missed Seattle all these years and I would love to go back. My visits don't always go well but that has nothing to do with the town (and everything to do mother). It would be so incredibly hard to leave behind the little slice of life I've carved out for myself in DC. I love my neighborhood, my apartment, my (few) friends. Life is good here...mostly. Well, it's known here. And I even though I have a couple of carefully preserved contacts in Seattle, in many--most?--ways it would be like starting over. Yet, I spent a bit of time looking at apartment listings on the internet...and I am working very hard on an application for a job that sounds like it was made for me.  I need to do more though...I need to call people that Mom sent my way. I need to send out my CV. I need to work harder.

I woke up this morning feeling heavy and with a headache. I fixed the headache but the heavy, slightly disoriented feeling never left. I'm feeling...dissatisfied...uneasy...not quite myself. I'm worried and I'm not even sure about what. I have so much time left and I have no plan. I just need something else, something different, something new?

Grateful for: an inkling of a plan.

Tuesday, June 02, 2015

Can you see the real me?

I was almost going to put this story on FB, but then I remembered I had this blog.

Last night I had a dream. In the dream my cousin Molly offered me some pot (this would never happen--also she lives on the West Coast). She seemed really surprised that I accepted her offer. I said or thought, what do people think of me? Or what impression do I make on people?

Someone (my cousin?) said, the impression they have is worried/scared/something [exact words escape me] of you. That's how Anne feels.

Then it shifted to Anne, who is an old college friend. Anne said she was apprehensive of me. Why? Because her boyfriend Joe told her I flirted with him.

Back to non-dream life. This is an old mystery in my life. Anne is someone I really liked and respected in college. I always wanted to be closer friends with her but it didn't happen. Then she started dating a guy named Joe who had previously dated Anne's best friend, Tracey (yes, I know). Before Joe dated Tracey he flirted with me a lot and I thought he was interested in dating me. I was ambivalent about Joe and it never happened. Anyway, when he was dating Tracey, he still flirted with me a lot and gave me the occasional unsolicited back rub (shudder). One time I told him that Tracey was my friend and he had stop flirting with me. Joe never spoke to me again.

Several years later, after he'd been with Anne for a while and I'd moved away for grad school...I was back in Seattle for winter break. I was hanging out with my friend Mike and we were planning to spend New Year's Eve together, as was our habit. Mike mentioned that he'd run into Anne and she'd said something odd. First, she invited him to a NYE party. Then she asked if Mike were planning to spend the evening with me...he said yes...and Anne said he couldn't bring me to the party. Mike declined the invitation.

Then I told Mike the whole story--about the flirting and the silent treatment from Joe--and Mike said that Joe was a creep and of course he'd spend NYE with me.

It's not something I think about very often, but I'm one degree removed FB friends with Anne and feel like I can't or shouldn't friend her. What did Joe say to her to make her cut me off?

In the dream, it was clear as day--Joe told Anne that I flirted with him! Of course. But...why would Anne believe him, when she'd known me much longer and I never flirted with other people's boyfriends? Well, blame cognitive dissonance. I'd always expected more of Anne, but she is only human and she wanted to keep her boyfriend Still, it hurts a little to be seen in a suspicious light...even if it was a million years ago.

So why would I have such a symbol rich dream? Before bed I was listening to a podcast from the BBC Drama of the Week--and it was about Freud! In the play he interpreted several highly symbolic dreams. Naturally, I had one that night.

Grateful for: dreams.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Free weekend

I'm not working this weekend. I could. There's more to do. The report that won't die still needs editing. I'm at the hard part now where I have to add new, meaningful, discussion sections. I hit a wall at that point. Asked for help. And the help came in the form of, "you need to say more here about this and what it means." Gee, thanks. I had a call about it on Friday with my "helpers" and one point I found myself laughing and realized I could've easily started crying. I'm not sure I've ever been quite there before. Enough. Enough already with this stupid report and this stupid job that requires me to care about things I never will. This weekend, no work, just nothing. I was supposed to go on a long bike ride but instead, I slept in and read for escape. I started knitting the sweater-vest for my youngest Israeli niece. I had to rip out a lot I'd done and start over. I had to make calculations for the size. That's "work" but it's fun and tangible.

On Friday, I had a funny experience. I was getting a sandwich and waiting with a lot of other people. I was standing next to a pretty cute guy. Then Pele walked in--we work right across the street from each other, after all. We chatted a bit and then she ordered. While she was in line for that, I struck up a conversation with the guy--"that's my best friend and we work so close but we can never find a time for lunch--and then here she is!" (In fact, just the day before Pele had emailed me about getting together.) He shared some similar experiences. I noticed he was wearing a wedding ring. Pele finshed ordering and I noticed that she waited before coming back over to talk to me. I nodded her back in. I mouthed "married." We talked and when he left she said, "I was going to let you talk to that really cute guy!" This brought me back to our party days party in particular, where I waved her away when I was talking to a cute guy...who I didn't know was marriend. Those were the days? Wing woman in action.

Anyway, I'm having a coffee in my new favorite coffee shop. Going to read a bit and then meet JenA who is coming down from Baltimore for a local bike swap. Should be a good day.

View from the back of the coffee shop
A scarf for a niece. Finshed it a while ago, just got around to blocking.

Grateful for: friends who have my back.

Saturday, May 09, 2015

The plan

I had a plan...I always have a plan. Even when I try not to, I have a plan. If I make a plan, it's very hard for me to break it, even if it's only with myself.

Today, I was supposed to do one of two bike adventures. I'm doing neither because I'm trying to "cure" my chronic shoulder pain. I've had the problem for a long time and my PT thinks biking makes it's worst. Unfortunately, she seems to be right. So, instead, it's just a short ride to a coffee shop--no work, just write for this blog--and then to meet a friend who is giving me a free bike rack. It's still all bikes somehow....

Part of the plan may include going to the movies this afternoon. [Done--I actually went to an 11:00am show. Not bad.]

And how are things in general? Not bad. My mood has improved but not for any particular reason. I had the job interview a bit over a week ago. It went ok but I can understand if they don't make me an offer. They have a particular kind of person in mind for that job and I'm not her. But, I could be a real asset to their organization and I think I might love working there. A mission driven place not constrained by politics? That would be great. Regardless, it's time to start thinking about my plan to leave my current job. It's not sustainable and I don't feel good about working there. They are good to me. They're not blaming me for the crisis mode of my project...but nevertheless, we're in crisis. This will be the third weekend in a row I need to spend some time working. It's all writing and editing and it's starting to wear me out. I don't know what my next steps are but when I see good job opportunities, I'm going to start applying. That's the plan.

Today, I spent 30 minutes working before the movie. I've spent another 30 post movie. That may be all I have in me for today. I figure I'll put in another hour tomorrow. Is this the best approach? I have no idea. I feel like I'm pecking away rather than fully attacking but with so much thinking to do, I seem to loose steam really quickly. If I don't give myself some time to recharge this weekend, I'll never finish. Today, I did old fashioned marking up on paper. Tomorrow, maybe I'll transfer the edits to the electronic copy of the document. Excitement, I know.

Grateful for: a better mood.

P.S. Here's a pic I took my my walk home on Friday. My neighborhood is getting shiny but the alleys still show their unvarnished selves.

Thursday, April 30, 2015


I am feeling a little better today. Not sure why I got so gloomy. I would really like it if things would "work out." But what does that mean? A good job? A different job? Materially, I'm doing fantastically well--I am being greedy to want a relationship too? What's sort of funny, though, is that a big career (mine is small) was never one of my goals. What were my goals? I don't really know. I've never had a long range plan. I picked a goal, and worked towards it. I finished college.  I went to Europe on my own.  I was a VISTA. I finished grad school. I got a government job.  I stayed on the rowing team for a long time...longer than was reasonable. I went to Machu Picchu. I went to live in Paris for 7 months.

I've done a lot of things. I chose something, and I did it. Years ago, I remember telling a fellow PhD student that if our goal had been to get married, we'd be married. I pointed out that we had (probably) accomplished most everything we'd ever tried to do. PhD students are almost by definition overachievers.  I'm pretty sure she is married now, though we didn't stay in touch.  I think...I've thought for a long time that my goal was to get married (or have a long term relationship), but maybe it's not? Because, if that were really my goal, why would it be so hard to achieve?  Ok, I know why--and it's got something to do with my unwillingness to instrumentalize relationships. (And not being willing to marry someone just to be married--that has probably been possible, but not something I can do.) And I'm crazy picky on one hand, but too tolerant on the other. I just roll along in these situations that I find interesting but ultimately unsatisfying. But what the heck do I know what about what would make me happy?

People just assume that I'm living the life I want. That I prefer to be single and I don't want kids. Not true, not even a little bit. I do try to make this a life that I like because it's the only one I have.

Huh. That's not less gloomy at all! Well, wish me luck on the interview. Maybe I will manage to achieve my goal of earning less money.

Grateful for: a little less gloom.

Tuesday, April 28, 2015


Yep, that's me. Super discouraged. This work stuff has really got me down. I feel like I'm swimming against the tide. Or I'm a fish out of water. Or something uncomfortable and out of place.

Talked to Mom the other day and she said, "you can't make work the focus of your life." Oy. Yes, I know Mom. I know. I am trying so hard to find other things to focus on. I don't want to think about work. I don't like work. I would be so much happier taking long walks, riding my bike, reading trashy novels, binge watching whatever, knitting, playing with the cat, and finding miscellaneous social events to attend. Oh, and dating. The thing is, I do some of those things, as much as I have the energy for, every week. I probably don't play with the cat enough.

But I can't tell Mom about the dating because it's already discouraging enough. And she's sure to say something biting and incisive that will dispel even the tiniest potential for fun. She's always right but that's not always helpful.  She seems to thing I should have a boyfriend. I can't say I disagree, but I can't figure out how to make that happen. I can barely figure out how to have friends. I know part of that is me--I don't like people. I like certain people and the people I like, I like very much and I'm incredibly loyal to them, but I don't make a lot of close friends (not unusual), but the friends I have now seem particularly unavailable and I'm really feeling the absence of that. Pele is just too busy and distance. Others are all booked up and either not including me or engaging in things that just aren't that much fun for me.

I should stop being so gloomy because I have taken active steps to meet new people. I am semi-active on a FB group centered around a favorite podcast of mine. I've organized a local get together for the group--actually it's the second time I've done this. The first time was fun, but it was quite a while ago. This time, new people are coming, and it should be even bigger (though that's not necessarily a good thing). If I have the energy, maybe I'll keep organizing these events.  I also have another new friend who I met through a biking activity who I'm going to see a movie with. On her FB wall she asked who wanted to see a particular scary movie. I don't know her well--we've only met two or three times and just chatted a little--but I put myself out there and said I was game. Then she invited me over to watch the movie with her! So, fun, right?

All I can do is keep trying but I have to say, I'm not very happy at the moment. Went to a meeting today and one of my (indirect) managers asked me what I needed. I said, someone else to manage my project. That's not good, but I don't have much confidence that I can salvage the mess that I've been brought here to fix. It all feels like too much.  Ok, ok, how do I cheer up? I'm tired of being so down in the dumps. It happens much to often and I'm too much alone with no one to actually tell. See, there I go again? What do I have that I need? I have resources and a comfortable life, materially. Certainly things don't really get me down--like the car window break-in, that didn't really get to me. What I do care about is doing a good job and having friendships. So even if I'm not the happiest right now, at least I have decent priorities. And even if Mom doesn't believe me, I don't expect fulfillment from work, but it's just the most interactive part of my life, even if I wish that weren't the case.

Grateful for: having my priorities straight.