QED

Have I been MIA or what?

I made the decision not to play soccer this season and instead I've plunged into dancing again. It's been ages since I went regularly. I'm not sure why I dropped it...but mostly, it exhausted me. The smiling at strangers, the waiting to be asked to dance, the dancing with the bad dancers, the dancing with the lesson-givers, the avoiding the unpleasant guys--it was too much and I couldn't deal.

Something has changed radically for the better, though. I'm dancing more, smiling more and actually making friends. What a surprise!

I am in two beginner classes. One is a refresher (for me) and I am more suited for the next level--but I like to start at the beginning and that is fine. In this class, I've made friends with a couple, and am seen as friendly enough to dance with all of the other beginners who stick around for the social dance that happens after class is over. I talked a lot with two of these guys about how to dance and I gave them helpful advice--all at their request. So, even though they are bad dancers (new dancers usually are), I don't mind dancing with them. They are pleasant and friendly and seem to appreciate what I have to offer. The couple is pretty awesome and the guy rides an old Vespa, which means that we immediately bonded. Excellent.

The other class is a new dance for me. The participants aren't quite as friendly but it's fun to learn something new. I stick around for the dance after that class too and I have finally, kinda sorta, asked one or two guys to dance. This is how I do it. I stand next to the guy at the beginning of a song. I make eye contact. I smile and cock my head towards the dance floor while raising an eyebrow. The guy then takes my hand and we dance. Hey, works for me!

I also realized that I have a little crush on a guy. He is in neither of my classes, but for the last two weeks, has been at both dances. All four times I've seen him, he's asked me to dance twice each evening. The culture at these dances is one dance and move on, unless you're friends or a couple or something. When I caught a glimpse of him last night, my heart did a tiny little flutter. I was pleased indeed when he asked me to dance the first time. I was even more pleased when he asked me the second time. Now, this is lovely and silly because beyond introducing ourselves, all we have ever talked about is dancing. He could be a complete dud. But, he is cute and sweet (and a pretty medium dancer) and I look forward to seeing him again. That seems like plenty for now.

Oh, and the real story of my life is how freaking insanely bad a manager my new boss is. It is practically ALL I CAN TALK ABOUT. However, in the interest of focusing on the positive, I will keep the kvetching offline. In every other respect this is by far the best time I've ever had at my job. All the mundane tasks I used to complain about are actually interesting to me and I'm doing fine, fine work.

One tidbit, though, because you deserve it. The other day, after yet another seriously annoying run-in with the incompetent supervisor, my old boss (the one who hired her and the one who is the best boss I've ever had), stopped by my desk to ask a question. I shared my annoyance with him and he said, "Oh, yeah, it's her. QED." I was speechless for a moment and then answered his question. I have the utmost respect for my old boss, but hiring her was one major league foul up that is completely his mistake. And he says, "QED"? At least he agrees that she is nothing if not annoying. But, QED my ass. Please do something to fix your mistake and restore my faith in you. I'd be ever so grateful.

I then went on to repeat this encounter to at least four different people who said, "QED? What does that mean?" Heh. I told them and, as it turns out, was only 60 percent correct in my definition (I thought: quod erat dictum. It's actually: quod erat demonstrandum). Do you know what it means? Is wikipedia correct? I think it is and my reaction was still completely correct.

As nuts as this current boss situation is, I find it oddly engaging and, but for a few exceptional moments, non-infuriating. I figure either she'll learn to leave me alone or she won't be here forever. Either way, it's going to work out. QED.

Grateful for: something to smile about.

Wow

I'm reading some grant applications--not for work, but for my professional association. It counts as work in my book. The grants are small--two to three thousand dollars--and have to involve some kind of community activity Basically, academic types work with different kinds of community organizations to accomplish something--the activities proposed are all really different (which makes reading the applications moderately interesting). I just read this sentence:

The concept and products for this outreach study is [sic] innovative and fresh, therefore the imperative for funding this project will be significant and momentous.

What more needs to be said? I should probably just give them the money now.

Grateful for: the opportunity to do service.

Soccer, yes or no?

Soccer season is fast approaching. The first game is in three weeks.

I'm dreading it. Last season was ok, barely. We hardly ever had a full team. Most games, I played all of both halves and I just didn't have the fitness for it. I was completely exhausted by the end of the game and sometimes limping (silly knee). (I have ramped up my exercise this week, but I still may not be in decent shape for the start of the season.) I have no idea if we'll get a better turnout this season. If I knew we would, I'd be more likely to sign up. But I don't know. We still don't have good leadership and I fear that we will be in the same boat. I don't know why the league didn't assign us more players but whatever went wrong may still be wrong. I feel kind of bad because if I don't play then I'm contributing to the problem. Still, it hasn't been much fun for me. So, I made a list of pros and cons....

Pros	Cons
Likely to go, due to group aspect	Not fun
Social	Feel bad, due to lack of skill
Outdoors	Have other more interesting things to do

I think "not fun" is the deal breaker. Why do anything that is actually negative fun? I never, ever look forward to the games. Sometimes, I enjoy the game. I like saying I play...but so what? My life isn't about impressing people with my athletic prowess (thank goodness!).

I think I know what to do. Maybe play again in the summer/fall season.  Take swing dance lessons again--I enjoy that.  Make hiking once a week a regular thing. I can get up early for soccer, so I can get up early for hiking. . Now I just need to find hiking companions (I do know about the groups out there) and I'm all set.

Damn. Why do I still feel guilty about quitting soccer? Sigh.

Grateful for: this awesome webpage that helped me create the table.

Garments

A post about knitting...

Emboldened by my success at knitting a vest for myself (even Carlos (aka Diego) was impressed by my craftwomanship!), I am ready to take on a cardigan. I don't wear many pullover sweaters, but I wear the heck out of cardigans. I am trying to decide which pattern to knit.

First, here's the vest:

 



It was freezing and windy when we took these pics, but you get the idea.

Now, for the cardigan, this is what I'm considering:



It would be challenging. Very challenging. The criss-cross business is replicated on the back and the cuffs (which you can't see because they're rolled up). Plus, it's reversible. And, what a lot of buttons (good for preventing gapping)! I'm not much of a seamstress, and that's a lot of sewing--though I do know HOW to sew buttons on. I like the color in the pic, but I have two other cardigans in almost the same shade of brown, so I was thinking of trying something else. While I'd love it in black, it isn't the best choice since it's hard to see what you're doing. I'm thinking blue--something in the violet/periwinkle family.

So much to knit, so little time!

Grateful for: garment success.

Cold feet

I've been working on getting my condo ready to sell. I had the painters in last week and they did an ok job--unfortunately, they got a bit too many paint splatters around for my liking. Luckily, nothing too serious and relatively easy to clean up...but still. I should have cleared things out of their way--and if they weren't planning to do so, they should have TOLD me, and then I would have done it.

But, with all this cleaning, sorting, rearranging...a massive unloading of stuff to Goodwill (that felt so good!)...I'm totally having cold feet. We have this new bar in the neighborhood and it's actually my place. I went there last night with a few friends for a birthday celebration and it was perfect. Both of the owners (who are the only staff so far, except for the cook) came over to say hello and take our orders. While Pele and I were waiting for the rest of the group, they were attentive but were fine when I said I wanted to wait to order. I go in there once or twice a week, have one drink, talk to Dana (the woman who works there) and go on home. A few times, I've struck up conversations with my fellow patrons. Perhaps because the place is so new, people are more friendly. Or maybe not. Maybe it's just me. It's not even a block from my front door...and it feels like home.

Maybe because I'm thinking about leaving, I'm making a bit more effort. Still, moving makes sense. My neighbors are as difficult as ever, though I'm back to ignoring them so I don't feel so crazy. Financially, even if were to sell relatively low, I look to walk away with a pile of cash. Having that money would give me a lot of freedom if I wanted to quit or take another extended leave from work. Or even if I wanted to take a four week vacation, instead of the three I have coming to me. But...but...I'm just not sure that it's a good idea. I am kind of attached to this place. Sigh.

---

The other night I went out with some friends for a birthday drink. As part of the conversation, C-money said, "Do you think Jamy is different post-France?"

Pele was a bit confused, "Jamy's been back a long time!" 

That didn't deter C-money, "I thinks she's more self assured."

Carlos (aka Diego) said, "She's more relaxed."

I said, "You wouldn't have said that if you saw me six months ago!" (I was thinking about all the work craziness that had me pulling my hair out.)

Carlos said, "Well, that was special circumstances."

C-money said, "Also, there's the knitting. You are knitting a lot more now!"

That was funny, since I was intensively into the knitting for almost a year before I went to France. Silly man.

It was great fun to hang out my friends. We don't do it often enough.

Grateful for:  silly friends.

Wake up call

I sleep with my iPhone near my bed and one morning, I shot this video:



Those of you who live with cats will understand.

Some context--my bedroom has "interior" window. They used to be exterior windows that opened onto a porch. The porch was enclosed at some point (long before I moved in) and the windows became interior. I keep my bedroom door closed at night and control cat-access by opening and closing the window. I go to sleep with it open and Tabitha (the cat) will usually enter the room some time in the night, usually before I fall asleep. In the cold weather, she'll get under the covers and sleep by my feet.

Between 4 and 5am (sometimes it's as late as 6am!), Tabitha gets restless and leaves the room. Sometimes, if she's acting crazy, I'll put her out. Then I close the window. Some time later (between 6 and 7am), she'll come to the window and meow. Less and less frequently she'll bang on the window. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES do I open the window! This is why she only bangs on it a few times a week instead of every single morning.

This is life with a cat.

Grateful for: Tabitha.

Happy Birthday...

Happy Birthday to me! That is all.

Grateful for: friends, family, my health, my job, my readers and a very good life overflowing with more comforts than I need.

P.S. Every year, the alumni association at UNC sends me a birthday card and it never fails to crack me up. I thought I'd share this year. Enjoy!

80's Girl

I snapped this picture today on the metro. The young woman has an '80s style I could barely approach when it actually was the '80s and I was her age.

Please appreciate her in all her glory. The assymetrical pony tail, the ironic huge plastic glasses. The overdyed super bright--and narrow legged--jeans. The TIE. Good gravy--I just noticed that now. I, also, wore a tie in the '80s! The amazing double breasted vest. The approaching Member's Only style (but much cooler) leather jacket. Even her bangles fit right in. And, if I'm not mistaken, she's wearing Doc Martens. Perfection!




Young woman, you are my hero. You have my complete respect.

Grateful for: knowing that everything old is new again.

Really?

On a whim, I signed up for another online dating site. I doubt I'll end up paying to see and contact my potential matches but I would like to send this note to the site:

"You are straining my credulity of your ability to suggest good matches when one of the first guys you send me is the secretly gay republican I went on a date with one time five years ago. No, it did not work out."

On the other hand, the site did send me a guy who I met in real life and went on a date with. Maybe that's a good sign.

I can't find mention of this guy on the blog, but I do remember that I met him at a Democratic political event I attended with Pele. (Someone famous was there--Bill Clinton perhaps?) She was busy trying to watch the Wake game and this dude, who turned out to write for a politically conservative magazine, was busy picking me up. Oy.

Grateful for: a good laugh.

Ready

I've had this thought bouncing around in my head for a few days--or maybe even weeks--based on something I read. The question was, "When do you know you're over someone?" The answer was, "When you wouldn't take them back, even if they asked."

Well. That does not bode well for me. By that measure, I am most definitely not over Kent. (I AM over Curt and all but a handful of my exes.) Hmm, that's an interesting thought--how many of my exes would I take back if they were to ask? I have more than one ex, who, under the right circumstances, I would take back. I don't think that's such a bad thing. I think it means that I've dated a few guys--a very few--who I'd be happy to live with for a very long time. Guys who I wouldn't want to change. (Originally, I included on this list a couple of guys who I'd be happy to date again but about whom I had serious reservations. I'm kicking them off. I am keeping Tom, though, because my life is never uncomplicated enough not to include Tom.)

Who are these guys?

Jack, my first serious boyfriend. He is married and lives far away. I sure was crazy in love with him and I thought he was perfect (except for the part where he dumped me). It may seem nuts to put him on the list, but if he were actually like what I thought he was like (a big if and probably NOT true, given that he broke up with me), I would've been happy to marry him when I was 19 and live happily ever after. I would be happy to find out if he's still they guy now that he was back then.

Ed. The best boyfriend ever. I left him in Seattle to go grad school in North Carolina. I broke up with him to date someone. Big mistake. If he'd have me, yes, I'd be delighted to get back together. (It almost happened once but then he decided to cut off all contact with me. Sigh.)

Tom (important grad school boyfriend). I mention him because we still have a friendship (talking once or twice a year and perhaps a drive-by visit when I'm in Seattle). I love talking to him. However, the rest of our relationship was always a volatile mess, so I'd probably give him a pass if he came knocking. But it would be a hard decision.

Kent. Need I say more? I'm still actively pining for this guy. We have a friendship that consists of a rare phone call and monthly emails. SIGH.

I'm sure I'll be more over Kent than I am now, but I don't know that I'd ever turn him away if he were to come calling. I mean, not while I'm single! I'd have to have a new boyfriend (or a husband) in order to turn Kent away. So...I hope that isn't going to make it impossible for me to ever date again! I wasn't really over Kent when I started dating Curt, but still having some feelings for Kent was not the problem with that relationship. Not at all. (Curt did suffer a bit by comparison, but only when the chips were down--the way Curt handled my distress about work pretty much told me all I needed to know about having a future together: we wouldn't.)

When I meet someone I really, really like, I will be happy to be with him and I won't feel bad that he's not someone else. When I choose the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with, I won't be tempted to leave him for any of the guys above. That I know to be true.

I have learned how to handle my various relationship regrets. Well, the regret about Ed is particularly difficult to shake because I ended that relationship. I had good reasons for the choices I made and I understand them. I just wish I'd had the foresight to make slightly different choices. But, still, my life is hardly ruined because I didn't marry Ed. It's just a different, but still very good, life.

It IS a good life and it's the life I chose. I trust that I will meet someone wonderful. Look, I have been lucky to meet many wonderful guys and have many relationships. Some of those relationships didn't end well, but I've had plenty of good times and I do not regret those dating choices. I am glad about NOT marrying most of the guys I dated--we would've been miserable! Those were good break ups. I have a couple of not so good break ups--but those also show that, yes, I am capable of choosing to be with someone who makes me happy. And, if it didn't work out those times, it will work out one of the times in the future.

Right? Right.

Grateful for: perspective.