Yes!

Yesterday, I was starting to move into acceptance mode. I was sure the job I applied for wouldn't be interested in me. I was going to text Nancy about it. I was telling myself, "give it a week until deciding it's over." And then the phone rang. "Hello...we'd like you to come in for an interview."

YES.

I've also been telling myself that all I really wanted is an interview. That it would be enough (dayenu). The idea that I'd even be considered is thrilling. I think there is almost no doubt that I would take the job if it were offered, which means I'll be disappointed if I don't get it. Then I started running the odds. I've been offered about 50% of the jobs I seriously applied for. Mostly that means that I haven't applied for many jobs. I applied for one academic job--I got a nice letter and a phone call from someone on the search committee telling me that I looked great but I needed a bit more experience. (I only applied because the school was in New York City and they wanted someone in my area of expertise.) When I applied for my current job, I was also applying for a job at another government agency. The other agency actually brought me in for an interview (technically, they were paying for me to give a talk, which I also did, because the government can't fly in job candidates). The interview was an all day affair and I never heard from them again--typical!

Recently, I have applied for four or five jobs, and had two "interviews." One was a real interview with another government agency--never heard from them after the interview either. The other was my open offer, where they came to me. So not a formal interview. One of the other government jobs closed before they got to the interview stage. I applied to two other private sector jobs. I didn't follow up or track any of them and got no response from either. I have contacts at one of the private sector jobs, but I didn't use them because it felt like a conflict.

Anyway, the interview isn't until next week so I have time to prep. "What are your weaknesses?" is the third question on the list from google of the "50 most common job interview question." Should I say I work too hard? Ha ha. No. I'm intemperate? Heh. No. I am kind of intense and opinionated. I'll keep thinking about it.

I'm getting a haircut on Friday. I'll have time to put a good outfit together--not too formal, not too casual. The smart thing to do would be to talk to the guy who I would be replacing. I know him. He used to work where I work. I think I've known him over ten years! I like him as a person ok, but professionally, he makes me nuts. He's super annoying. I know I should talk to him but...I don't wanna. I guess I have a few days to figure it out. Even if I weren't going to ask him for advice, I should ask what the job is like, how he liked working there, and etc.

Also, in terms of qualifications, my main weakness is that some fundraising is required and I've never done that before. Work friend ER asked me about it and I said the only fundraising I'd ever done was sell t-shirts for the rowing team. Ha ha! I said I give a lot of money to fundraisers. She said, "for work in our field?" I said, "No--I give my whole life to that cause!" According to Nancy, that is the key: I am a true believer. You all know that I've only stayed put because I care about the substance of the work. What if I could have the substance and become a leader, if even in a small way? I would relish that. I never thought I had any ambition for work...but obviously I do. I don't know exactly what this new job would mean but the prospect is more engaging than any of the other things I've applied for. It's what I've said all along--I would leave for the right job. Maybe this is it?

Grateful for: friends who look out for me (if it weren't for Nancy, I never would have even thought to apply for the job).

Walking tour

When I bike more, I take fewer pictures. Makes sense. I'm still trying to figure out how to balance my variety of hobbies. I guess I just have to be willing to stop more on the bike. Today, I was going to take a bike ride, but instead I got super lazy and sat and knit and watch terrible Netflix all morning. Then, when I finally had the energy to the leave the house, I decided to walk. Just a short walk, with the iphone at the ready, and take a few pictures if anything caught my eye. I did take three longer bike rides this week, but I'm still working on getting some real mileage. Maybe next week. I had another little spending spree this week--some cycle-specific shorts and a new camera. I'm so, so excited about the camera--I can't wait for it to arrive (some time next week). I think I might even sign up for a photography class in June. I used to know about f-stops and apertures and such but I've forgotten it all. This new camera is a point and shoot but it's supposed to have a fantastic lens and be one of the best of its class. I just can't see getting a DSLR...too heavy. I know I won't use it. I am starting to chafe at the constraints of the iphone, though, and my old digital camera has a flaw in the lens so all its pictures are messed up. Anyway, I thought I'd share a couple of the pics from my walking tour...

Chicken

The first one is an abandoned storefront near my house. The old places are getting restored and occupied, but slowly.

The second pic is a little house that almost looks like the country...except for the bars on the windows.

The last--mostly it was that church that struck me. I can't get the photo I want of this kind of building with the iphone. I'm hoping with the new camera I can get closer and still have a good angle. We'll see.

Grateful for: the resources to fund all my hobbies.

 

Bike to work

Today is the official "bike to work" day. I meant to ignore it but I registered at the last minute and I'll be going by the pit stop kinda sorta in my neighborhood shortly. I've been biking to work on and off for years and very consistently for the last couple of months. I'm still deciding on the new bike. The bike shop is building up the model I liked in the right size for me but it's been a few days and no word. In the meantime, I'm getting around on my old bike, which is only a couple of years old. The bike feels like such a slug now. Oh well. I just put the rear rack back on last night. Wait...why am I talking about boring bike stuff? Let's talk about work.

I put in an application for a really interesting job on Wednesday. I haven't heard back yet but I hope I get an interview. It's a whole different kind of thing than the open offer. The job is a leadership position in a small advocacy organization. There are a couple of areas where I'm lacking experience but otherwise, it's a perfect spot for me. We'll see. The movement on the home front is painfully slow. Apparently, all the upper management who need to be on board are, but they have yet to speak to my supervisor. Said supervisor continues to drive me mad, but I am doing marginally better at controlling my frustration with her. Yesterday, we had a meeting, and she said something like, "I've been trying to explain this to you but you keep cutting me off." I stayed silent for the next few minutes as she completed her explanation. It will be no surprise to anyone that what she said wasn't useful at all--but I will say this: I'm glad I let her tell me the whole thing, because the full absurdity of what she had in mind wasn't entirely clear until she got all the way through it. And I was able to tell her with complete confidence that the strategy she was suggesting I take was much, much more difficult and time-consuming than the difficult and time-consuming the strategy I'd already decided to take.

I dunno. This work change is dragging out much too long. I feel kind of exposed. I don't know who knows what or how much longer I can play dumb. The meeting with the supervisor started with her saying, "Is there anything you'd like to talk about? Anything in particular you'd like to tell me?" Sounds like she knows something, doesn't it? But, in fact, that's a pretty typical opening for her. I have the same reaction I always have, which was to think, "It's your meeting." This time, I didn't say it, instead, I just said, "No, nothing in particular." Then she went on to express a bunch of worries that had been very thoroughly addressed during a meeting we had on Monday. Oh, and she told me that when I email another division director, I should (must?) cc her. (I mentioned sending a message to director--then pointed out that supervisor knows about the message because I was telling her about it.) I'm starting to think she means that every, single time I email someone at her level, I have to cc her. That's insanely restrictive. I wanted to go back and double check on this one, but I thought, best leave it alone, it will be moot soon. Not soon enough!

I sure hope no one connects this blog with my work. I really need to shut up about this, don't I?

Ok, off to bike to work! Happy Friday.

Grateful for: the light at the end of the tunnel.

Floating home

These pictures are not examples of my great photography skills. The first one was the rather astonishing sight of a floor of a home being hoisted into place by a huge portable crane. Many folks gathered around, staring and watching the process. I was hardly the only person taking pictures.

Floating home

On my way home the other day, I stopped by to get a picture of the final product. This is the front view...still in progress.

All stacked up

Hobbies

What is up with my bike obsession? I'm going on another test ride today. I'm so eager to get this new bike and...what? Spend all my time on long bike rides? Is that really a thing I'll do? I dunno. I get these notions and sometimes I follow through and sometimes, not so much. What does it mean that I'm getting more interested in biking again? I used to ride my bike a lot in Seattle, and in Chapel Hill, and even here in DC. In fact, I still do, though it's waxed and waned over the years. Heck, I loved riding my bike when I was a kid, but don't most kids? I loved the freedom and the ability to explore that it allowed. It's much better than a car in many ways. A bike lacks the pure power of a car, and there are inherent limitations--your own power the most obvious one--but also terrain, ignorance, and parental boundaries, but you can go places that a car or even your feet can't take you. When I was a kid, my dad wouldn't let me ride my bike to school. He made a rule something like, if I would ride a certain number of hours, then I would be trusted to ride to school. I thought it was arbitrary and ridiculous so I refused. Yet, I rode that bike all the time! A used bike, with a banana seat and those low-rider handlebars. I'm sure I did ride the requisite number of hours, but I didn't track them and I didn't try and make the case. Sure, Dad had a point, but I rode that bike all over the neighborhood--up and down the steepest hills, into all kinds of forbidden areas. Did I ever ride across the busy, dangerous street that was on the way from my house to school? I'm not sure.

Lambretta

Anyway, another interest I've had since childhood is photography, which I've been pursuing a lot more recently--via Instagram and my iPhone. But, again, what's so special about liking to take pictures? Doesn't everyone do that? How is it something special for me?

I like to ride bikes, but I've never gone touring or ridden more than 30 miles at a go. I like to take pictures, and I'm coming into my own a bit in that area, but I'll never be a professional. I like to knit--and that's still going strong. I like to read, though I read much less than I used to. I like radio shows and the era of podcasts is like a dream come true. I love the movies...but I can't even remember when I last went to see a movie in a theater--it's been weeks! Months! Crazy. I do watch plenty of high (and low) quality tv--at least I'm knitting while I do that. And writing, of course. We'll see how long that lasts. I haven't written any fiction for a long, long time.

And do I like working? I just don't know. I like to feel useful, as though I'm doing something worthwhile. I like to be appreciated. Work friend Nancy dug up a job announcement this weekend that she insisted I apply for--it's a leadership type position and I think the chances of my getting it a miniscule. But she's right--I have to put my hat in the ring. I could do that job and it would actually be better and more interesting than what I do now. And I'd get some damn respect, which is what I'm really missing. I feel so aggrieved all the time, which is absurd and exhausting. I should feel happy and secure in my work, but things just keep getting worse. I still don't know when I'm getting out from under. Super heavy sigh. So, I'm working on a cover letter. I'm putting my writing samples together. I've updated my CV. All of that is good to do, even if I don't even get an interview. We'll see.

Grateful for: a bunch of hobbies that I really enjoy.

Bikes

I'm still thinking a bit about seeing my old friend, Daniella. I don't know if we will see each other again or if we'll partially rekindle our friendship...but I'm really glad we saw each other. I think I would like to be friends again. When talking about her, I've been saying that I've always had an affinity for people who get along with everyone--because I'm just that difficult. D is open and non-judgemental, and I always valued that about her, even when we were little. I also like to know lots of different kinds of people--and someone like D does too. Anyway, we'll see how it goes.

Today, I did a bit of biking. I've been riding to work a lot recently. I've also routed a longer ride home to get a bit more exercise. The ride to work is only about 5 miles round trip; not much of a workout. I've also been longing for a different, more responsive, easier to ride bike. The one I'm on is a good commuter, decent hauler (not great), and a nightmare on a steep hill. Today, I went for a group ride (called the "nice and easy ride," which it certainly was). After the ride, I went into the bike shop that sponsored the ride and ended up taking a test ride on a touring bike. I rode that thing for over half an hour! I really liked it. The bike is quick and responsive, handles well, and the gearing was just right--a low enough low and a high enough high. With a few minor adjustments, I might even love it--the seat needs to be raised and a new saddle is essential. It's expensive but about half the price of the fancy bike I was looking at last year. I dunno. If I had the "right" bike, would I do more long rides? I've ridden 13 miles today so far (another 2 before I'm done--gotta get home). My average MPH was a mile faster on my solo test ride than on the group ride--though I'm hardly a speed demon. Riding 10 miles at a go is no problem. I want to work up to 15 and then 20. Then we'll see. It's a good thing to do on the weekend and as I get more stamina, I can ride for some of my more distant errands. Hmm...remind me why I bought that car again? Maybe I should sell it.

Grateful for: the resources to get any bike I like.

Old times

Yesterday I saw my oldest friend. We haven't seen each other for over 20 years. We met when I was 5 (or 6) and my family had just moved to Knoxville. My parents couldn't figure out how to find other kids for me to play with. They bought a box of ice cream sandwiches and we drove around the neighborhood until we found a group of kids. They offered the kids the ice cream and introduced me. The mom of one of the kids came out of her house and checked out what was going on--and my parents talked to her while I stayed with the kids. This was the beginning of a life-long friendship between my parents and Daniella's parents. I don't think they ever would have met otherwise. When I think of it now--would such a thing even be possible? What kids would take ice cream sandwiches from complete strangers (ok, probably plenty!)? But what other parents would get on board with the whole thing? I think that today, with neighborhood listserves and "mom" groups, this kid of desperate act wouldn't be necessary. I still have to think my folks were pretty damn clueless to go about it that way. But, hey, I met D and that's what matters, right? From right about then, she and I became fast friends. We were both only children whose parents had previous marriages (both of hers, only one of mine). I had half-siblings who were in my life, she had mysterious half-siblings who she had only met once. We both wanted sisters. Our birthdays were 10 days apart. She was sunny, blonde, and skinny. I was dark, serious, and athletic (sort of--I was only not-skinny in comparison to D!). We lived only a few blocks away from each other and when we were old enough, we would walk to school together--well, that one year when we were in the same school. Because we weren't usually in the same school, we spent a lot of time together after school. When my family moved to another part of town when I was in the 4th grade, we talked on the phone all the time and our parents set up play dates. When we moved to DC when I was in the 6th grade, D and I wrote letters and made cassette recordings and mailed a tape back and forth. When I moved to Seattle we continued to correspond but it slowly faded. We saw each other again when we were 16 and her family came for a visit to California. I'd just learned to drive and I got us terribly lost in downtown San Francisco with D and her cousin squealing in the car while I, serious as ever, tried to concentrate--then laughed in relief when I finally figured out how to get on the freeway.

That visit was sort of a capper. We didn't write after that. I was already in college, she was still in high school and I don't remember if I tried to stay in touch or not.

Right after D graduated from college, she got married. Her dad had been sick for a long time and he died around that time, maybe a year earlier. My dad decided to go to the wedding (and my mom decided that meant she couldn't go) and I went with him. I was so excited and happy. I met Dad in Knoxville and we drove to the small town in North Carolina where the wedding was.

It ended up not being fun at all. Dad, I think, had a good time with D's mom, but I didn't know any of the people my age, who were all D's college friends. I knew her mom and grandparents and that was it. It was a little lonely for me and the worst was that D made no effort at all to talk to me. She didn't even have five minutes for me. I ran into her twice in the hotel before the wedding. I had a hug and a hello the first time. The second time, her grandparents were there and they witnessed the snub. The were stricken and reached out to me telling me how wonderful it was to see me and etc. (We'd spent a fair amount of time at their house when we were little.) I managed to smile and pretend but I was very unhappy. I still have the picture of D and I--she's in her wedding gown, I'm in my black dress covered in big red roses--we're smiling like crazy but I always see the strain behind those smiles.

And then sometime last year, my mom became facebook friends with D's mom. That led to D and I becoming FB friends. We didn't correspond directly--just a couple of tentative wall posts expressing a mutual pleasure in reconnecting. I could tell that she had married a second time and had two kids. She'd also been divorced a second time. She was going through a major health issue, which resolved slowly but happily. We caught up at arms length.

The other day, D messaged me on FB that she was going to be in DC this week on a school trip with her kids. We ended up texting (more arm's length!) and made plans to meet yesterday.

We didn't have the deepest conversation. I couldn't ask her about the divorces, husbands, etc. Too awkward. The thing she said that meant the most to me was that she asked about all the photos I've been posting on FB and Instagram (yes, I love it). She said, "How do you see those things? It's so interesting. I never notice things like that." This is the highest compliment. It made me remember that what I loved about D was that she always understood me. I didn't fit in very well in Knoxville. I wasn't Southern, Christian, or particularly cheerful. I didn't adopt the girly veneer that was so prized. If I'd known how, I probably would've, but it was just beyond my conception. But D totally appreciated me. My quirks, my humor, my childish intellectualism. She was just as smart as me, but so much more easy going, a friend to many, and one of the least judgmental people I've ever known. And there she was, all these years later, appreciating me once again.

I don't know what went wrong at her wedding. I do wish she could acknowledge it and apologize or explain but I don't even think she remembers. She said, "When was the last time we saw each other?" Of course, I remembered and I told her. She said it was a traumatic time and I asked, "How do you mean?" She said, "Marrying the wrong person!" So...maybe it's all a blur to her. At the time it felt intentional but maybe at the time I was just a reminder of something she didn't want to face? I dunno.

Grateful for: facebook! Can you believe it?

Travel day

I'm in Chicago for work. I'll be in an all-day meeting tomorrow. I decided to come in a little early today (Sunday) and take a long walk. I was here at the end of February and it was quite cold. I arrived in the dark and ate dinner at the noisy hotel bar. I walked in the morning but it was a bit rush-rush. I plan to take that same walk tomorrow to get some coffee and sit and read for a minute. Today, though, I wanted time for a more relaxed walk where I wasn't trying to squeeze it in without being late.
Speaking of being late, I managed to be the very last person to board my flight today. I didn't just sit around the house this morning--I took a bike ride. Well, I planned to take a longer bike ride but instead I just rode to a nearby coffee place and had a cup and something to eat. The line was long and I waited around which meant I didn't have time for a longer ride. When I got home, I finished packing, showered, and left the house a bit later than I'd planned. So typical.
Part of the day was that kept rearranging my bags to pack as lightly as possible. I wanted to take my walk on the way from the airport to my hotel. I got it down to this:

• One pair work-appropriate slacks (wearing)
• One pair of shoes (not the best for work, but it's a casual meeting; they're ok for walking)
• Casual but presentable cotton shirt (wearing)
• Wool hoodie
• Socks/underthings
• Long-sleeve shirt
• Wool vest-undershirt, in case it gets cold
• Cardigan, medium-weight (hand knit)
• Scarf/shawl (hand knit)
• I-pad and keyboard
• I-phone
• headphones
• Knitting project
• Various cords and chargers in a small bag
• Toiletry kit
• Notebook
• Part of a report I should read
• Pens, keys, miscellaneous (eyeglass cleaning cloth, pills, emery board, hand wipes, etc.)

I'm carrying a small backpack and a small utilitarian shoulder bag. I couldn't quite fit it all in the back pack, but I came close. I need the smaller bag in case I go out again later tonight and probably for tomorrow morning's walk. I can fit the i-pad in there, so it's quite handy. This is all so light that I just walked for about 30 minutes and didn't feel it at all. The pack is so small that I put it in the front of an overhead bin that was full of rolling bags. This is the way to travel, if at all possible. What I skipped is an extra pair of pants, pajamas, and exercise gear (mostly that extra pair of shoes for running). Since I'm leaving tomorrow night, I figured it was fine. And if I'm sleeping alone in a hotel room, why do I need PJs? One pair of shoes is key too. I think I could fit the extras in my slightly larger bag--the one I use for all of my travel these days--and even stick the shoulder bag in there if necessary and it would still be very light.
Ah, well, packing--boring! The flight was pretty terrible. We hit some rough air about halfway and I got panting scared. But I managed to calm down. We weren't in a storm or anything so I knew we were safe. Flying into Chicago never is much fun. But the landing was smooth and we were even a little early. My late boarding didn't delay us or anything.I think my earlier scare left me a little tired. I stopped the walk to get something to eat. It would take me another hour to walk to the hotel and I'm not sure I have it in me. I'm going to walk along the bus route and see how I feel.

[Time passes.]

Central: the eastern edge of the neighborhood

I walked another 30 min or so and when my feet started to hurt, I decided to catch the bus. (I blame the new shoes and that I've been doing a lot more biking than walking recently.) Somehow I ended up in a very hip-hop-happening part of Chicago--was it Wicker Park? Bucktown? I don't know but I saw lots of young hipster-ish types walking around. Lots of vintage clothing shops, some bars and restaurants. A neighborhood like that makes the walk go faster.

Made it to the hotel and I think I'm going to indulge myself with a room service meal. I don't always do that on work travel but I usually enjoy it when I do. I need to take it easy and start letting go of all the stress of the last few weeks. A long walk and quiet night should do the trick.
Grateful for: the chance to explore.

Swing

I've really been enjoying writing on the blog. The last few days, I got up early, went to a coffee shop, wrote, and then traveled on to work. I'm using my iPad and it works pretty well for this purpose. (I have an external keyboard--otherwise, forget it.) The thing is, last year, I was getting up early and going for a run/jog. Writing at the office isn't an option because I simply don't have the time. Today, for example, I got in late (not due to blogging, rather pure laziness). I sat down at my desk around 10am and didn't get up until 3:30. Ok, technically, I stood up three times to talk to other people and use the ladies room. Otherwise, no, I was stuck there. I didn't stop for lunch, blog reading, or anything else. Yeesh.

What I decided to do is use the wifi in our cafeteria and take an afternoon blogging break (it also turned out to be my lunch break--better late than never) and that's what I'm doing right now. Not a terrible compromise. However, if I ever start going to the gym again, it may not work. I've pretty much given up the gym in favor of taking a relaxing lunch hour. An hour spent reading a novel a couple times a week has helped keep me sane. So...I dunno. The days are longer now, so I can ride my bike the long way home (did that a couple of times last week.) I don't ever see going for a run/jog in the evening, though. Maybe I have to start getting up at 6am to fit in both running and writing? Who has time for a job?

Speaking of which, this is the update on the transfer. First, it's a big secret. Even I'm not supposed to know. TR has told the two managers other than my direct supervisor that need to agree. The three of them will meet on the subject next week. Then they'll talk to my supervisor. If everyone agrees, then it will happen. He's packaging this as a "cooling off" period. I'm not thrilled about that, but I think it's a good strategy. The idea is that we're at an impasse and it's causing a lot of stress for both of us. This will solve that problem, short term, and make everyone happier. It will also be a chance for me to demonstrate that I don't need supervision (at least of the intensive, micro-managing variety). I will have to prove myself.

Of course, I shouldn't have to prove myself at all--but there's this: ever since I stepped up to the major leagues of project management, I've had the terrible supervisor. I've never actually been given a chance to decide how to run things. She's been hovering and second guessing me the entire time. So, while I have no doubt that I will do an excellent (nay, outstanding!) job without the hovering and micro-management, not everyone would necessarily agree. I get to prove them wrong and show that I will shine as a more or less independent operator. I'm kind of excited.

Look, Spring!

The downside of all this is that I bet it will take AT LEAST a month for the detail to begin. It's possible that it will get shot down in the mean time. If that happens then I will have to figure out next steps....but let's just wait on that for now, okay?

Also, had a meeting with the supervisor yesterday and I managed to keep my cool and avoid saying "no" or "I disagree." I did have to talk myself down a little and think about my "happy place" but I made it through the meeting without getting upset or saying much at all. I'm pretty sure I did get a sour expression on my face by the end...but that will just be something to work on next time. Sigh.

Grateful for: knowing the plan.

Same old

Turns out, it's hard to stop complaining. I'm so used to talking about my terrible supervisor, I can't get out of the habit (yet). I was happy when I made my decision but I'm back in the doldrums at the moment. I think it won't last...I think this is one of those slow burns. Getting used to the new situation will take some time.

I remember one of those summers I spent in Berkeley with my dad. I think I was 15--but maybe 16. I was so miserable. I was supposed to stay for 8 weeks but they sent me home a week early because I'd turned into a morose lump. When my mom drove me home from the airport, she got angry because I wasn't happy. I tried to explain that it was going to take a little while to get there. I had to get used to being where I wanted to be again. Of course, her yelling helped a lot. Sigh. Not one of her finer moments.

Complaining about my supervisor and being unhappy has become normal for me. I need to start breaking the habit. Yesterday, we had a conversation that I found absolutely infuriating. It embodied all the things I can't stand about her management style--need for excessive amounts of detail due to lack of comprehension, unsupportive position, desire to have more meetings and conversations, general querulousness. Anyway--see, I can't help it! I have NO IDEA how to have these conversations without transmitting my frustration. I can't get that "tone" out of my voice. I can't simply agree. In our convo, I mentioned that I'd talked to TR about the question at hand (not my detail!). She said, "I didn't know that. You can't go talk to TR without letting me know." Wow. Just...wow. Now I can't go talk to other people and get their opinions? I feel like as I start to pull away, she is going to grasp even more tightly for control. I really, really, really need to manage myself. I need to show some g-damn restraint.

I thought it was over, and in large part it is, but this is still a very challenging moment in my life. I will get beyond it and I will be happy.

Grateful for: patience (I will find some).