Sunday, May 15, 2016

Good

Things are good with me. I’m satisfied at work though I need to pick up the productive pace. I do have a hard time focusing and I’m not sure why. I know I need deadlines…maybe I need to set some intermediate deadlines for myself. I can try.

I’m still really happy with the new iPad but I'm struggling to figure out the best way to use it for blogging. I did find one app that works pretty well but it doesn’t put in paragraph breaks and I couldn’t get them to register even when I edited the HTML code. Weird. That means two editing runs, which is a pain. I’m trying something else today. Typing the post in an editor (Word for iPad) and cut and pasting to the web. That means I don’t have to be online for the writing, just the posting, but it’s still a two-step process, which I was hoping to avoid.

I have my trip to Israel and PARIS planned. Three nights in Paris. Three nights with Spesh in Tel Aviv, then the rest of the time in Jerusalem with the family. A bit over two weeks in total. I have found my AirBnB in Paris, rented the car in Israel, sent everyone my itinerary. I am knitting some hedgehogs for the unknown number of new arrivals in the Israeli next generation. One hedgehog is almost done and I hope to get up to three more completed before the trip. I’m also bringing some scarves and a vest I knitted months and months ago. I’m going to have to check a bag…seriously!...to accommodate the wealth of knitted goods.

And dating. Ok, so things remain kind of the same but I have also started seeing a new guy, Ian. He’s growing on me. He is definitely easier to deal with than Marty. These two are quite a contrast. One is tall and heavy, the other is short and medium. One is reactive and can be emotional, the other is calm no matter what. It’s not a case of mash them together and get one perfect guy…it’s more that they are so extremely different that I find it an enjoyable counterpoint. Marty involves some emotional effort on my part and he often leaves me feeling exhausted. The benefit is that sometimes I feel a real connection with him. Ian is very easy to deal with, though sometimes I he annoys me. But he doesn’t care and never gets angry. That’s helped me relax with him more. Because he’s mellow, there’s no strain to be with him, but I feel at a bit of a remove with him. The last time I saw him, he really started to open up and told me a lot about his family and I felt closer to him.

Altogether this is a strange situation and not one I ever expected to be in. I have mixed feelings about it. I like that I have people to connect with and spend time with. I think I would still prefer one “regular” boyfriend but I also have a lot of freedom and my day-to-day routine is the same as it ever was. From one perspective, this is an ideal situation. So, I dunno. I guess I’ll keep going for now but stop if I’m getting unhappy or frustrated.

Grateful for: freedom.

Saturday, May 07, 2016

Early

I got up early this morning to watch the USS Barry leave its slip on the Anacostia River. It took three blue tugboats to get the Barry turned in the right direction and moving towards the bridge. Apparently the Barry’s engines don’t work because these three tugs were pushing and pulling it all the way. Not sure the final destination. A lot of folks came out and I met up with a small group of bicyclists to watch the towing.
USS Barry Departing Navy Yard
Sorry for the mediocre iPhone photography.

I looped back to the favorite local coffee shop, where I am now. Next is the farmer’s market and then home for a “condo work day.” A few hours of clearing trash and pulling weeds around the property with my neighbors. We did this once last year and it was good. And the rest of the day? Who knows. Take a nap? Go to a movie? 

In general, things are going well. I picked up another assignment at work and now I’d say I’m comfortably busy. Dating…there is a little. I had a proper date this week, in fact. He was enthusiastic but I wasn’t. Marty still lingers but we’re talking less and that’s good. I feel ok. Kind of level, even, calm. I’ll take it. Oh, and it looks like I’m going to Israel in June. Dad is going and asked me to join so I will. Will I try and stop in London or Paris on the way? How long will I stay? Gotta decide and get my tix today or tomorrow! That does stress me out a bit, but it’s a good problem to have. 


Grateful for: the calm. 

Sunday, May 01, 2016

To spend or not to spend

I just got a new iPad. I probably didn't need it but it's pretty sweet. The reason was so I could use the handwriting capabilities. Steve Jobs may be turning over in his grave, but the new stylus (the Apple Pencil) is amazing. I tried a stylus on my old iPad and it just didn't work very well. I prefer to take handwritten notes and now I can--on my iPad! This is truly the paperless future--probably. 

So that was real money. As much as a computer. Anyway, so I go to load my blogging app--and it no longer exists. I was using Blogsy--but it turns out they have stopped developing it and you can't get it in the iTunes store. Sad! The developers couldn't get it to work with the most recent iOS and couldn't make money--they folded up shop. Blogger has an app--or they did. It's gone too. Wordpress has an app but then I'd have to convert the entire blog to Wordpress...so much work for a blog I post on once a month! Finally, I found the app I'm using now, BlogPad Pro. We'll see if it works.  So, first big purchase--the iPad.

Next, I've been thinking about a fancy folding bike. It's a good idea, almost positive I'd use it a lot but it's real money and I'm having a hard time pulling the trigger.

Then I look around my house. I got this beautiful mid-century modern sofa set a few years ago but I don't love it. It's not comfortable for sitting. It wiggles. It's ok but not for me. It came with a coffee table and two end table--I don't need all that. The room is too full. I want a change. But then there are so many decisions to make...new sofa. New coffee table. What to do with my second sofa (yes, I have two now)...

And I need a new rug. The one I have in the living room is too small for the space.  A while ago, a friend suggested I get some built-in bookcases in the dining area. She's right. It's a good idea. But another decision.

How long will be here? Am I accepting this forever single life as my fate? But if I move in a year, it won't have hurt to put a few grand into making the place more comfortable.  I have the money--I'm lucky. I can afford all these changes. I pretty much know what I like. I could do it. But how do I get myself to start? 

Grateful for: options.

Wednesday, April 06, 2016

No news

I'm fond of aphorisms and one of my favorites is "no news is good news." I said it someone recently and they had never heard of it. We had to talk it through. I will spare you but let's just say that my life isn't very exciting right now and that's good news. Work rumbles along and it's not too stressful. I need a bit more to do but I think that will come. I am still really happy to back to my area of expertise. It's not even that so much--I would've been happy to learn new things, if only those things weren't so dreadfully dull and combined with an impossible to satisfy client and more tasks than I could reasonably accomplish. I've had a few new challenges in my new division. I think I will still have a chance to learn and grow.

My other challenge is to be more outgoing, do more things and try and meet people. I'm going to do more of the bike-related volunteering, which I totally skipped out on last Spring/Summer. I need to put myself in the way of meeting new people. I need some new life in my social circle. All my dating is from apps and that's just crazy. It works for meeting people but has never been a source of more than the briefest of "relationships." Well, except for Marty, who is still there, lingering in the background--and often in the foreground. He is reason enough to push to meet more people. While we continue to get along well, he's just not going to fill the boyfriend role completely. We have had some ups and downs but seem to deal with them ok. It helps that I don't see him every day so there is plenty of time to cool down and regroup. That isn't always possible with a boyfriend and when the expectations are higher. I do sometimes start to think about him as a boyfriend...but that's a mistake. It's something I have to keep my eye on, that's all.

At any rate, I'm generally much happier, calmer, more content than I have been for years. I still need to do stuff like clean out a bunch of junk from my house (like, always), decide whether I should sell my car (driven sometimes less than once a month!), and exercise more regularly. But work is good. I have a weekly volunteer tutoring gig that I really enjoy, I have friends...so no complaints. No bad news, at least for now.

Grateful for: the calm.

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Monthly update

I keep thinking, should I go on a schedule? Write every Sunday? Once a month? But I chafe at the idea. I want to be free! Haha. Oh, for the job with so little to do that I could write for an hour a day while at the office.

A lot has changed in the last month or so since I wrote last. My nightmare project is over and it has completely changed my experience at the office. (The project continues, just without me.) It was hard at first since I had a lot of ego wrapped up in that damn thing, but almost immediately I felt better about everything. Happier, calmer, engaged. Now I get to work on topics I care about and where I have some expertise to offer. I'm not crazy busy--at least not yet. I'm still adjusting but for the first time in years, I don't dread work. I actually wish I had a bit more to do...and I'm struggling to read a 180 page report, but what else is new? I contributed to a couple of proposals, I'm taking over a piece of a larger project, and maybe, eventually, I'll bring in some new work if I can figure out where to look. It's all good.

On the dating front, there has been some. A date here, a date there. The guy I rather liked showed up one more time but has since disappeared, I think for good. I thought he was available for the boyfriend track, but it seems that was not the case. A couple of the old-timers showed up. Last night, another late-night text from someone...but I just ignored it and will stop answering. (This particular one is fine but I'm really not interested.)

And Marty, my friend-not-boyfriend, is around. I don't know what to say about him exactly. Sometimes I like him a lot, other times, not so much. I like having regular contact with someone, even if it's by text. And it's not just someone--it's Marty who I like. I have a new (female) friend who would be happy to text with me all the time, but from her it's just annoying. Oh, she's ok, but needy and a bit depressed. She drains me. Marty is a more mutual friendship. He's encouraging. But I get super annoyed with him sometimes and will give him a whole load of no-nonsense advice, even when he doesn't want it. I have a habit of getting involved with guys who are blind to the contradictions in their lives and I end up spending a lot of time waking them up. This may or may not be good for those guys but it really feels like a waste of my time. Why do I do it rather than just cut them loose? But, Marty is a bit different. He listens to me and has taken some of my analyses to heart. Has he acted on some of them? A little. I still don't know if he's a net positive in my life, but he does make me feel less lonely. Then again, he also makes me feel lonely. No man at all is less lonely than an absent man...

Grateful for: improvements on the work front.

Tuesday, February 02, 2016

Civic minded

What is this, some kind of trend? Well, this is a dating blog and I have been dating a lot, so maybe I'll write about it a little. The guy (Marty) I wrote about last time, the one who wants to be my friend...well, I called it. I guess it's an experience thing, but after seeing him on Saturday I just knew his whole line was BS. Or maybe I hadn't really been listening. He is encouraging me to date other guys because he's not available. And he hasn't asked me to wait for him or any nonsense like that. I've also been pretty clear to him that I don't think I like him beyond friends, though we did have fun together. But that inner voice was saying, "he wants to be your boyfriend." That is basically what he would like and yesterday, in our texting, it came out. Not in those words, but so close that it really clicked for me.

There are these guys, I haven't run into one recently, and they see something in me and they kind of get caught up in it. In my...amazing-ness. Yeah, I know, it's ridiculous, but I can tell when someone is seeing me that way, and he definitely was. In a lot of ways we weren't connecting at all. I listened to his stories and pushed him a bit to explain himself, but we also did a lot of talking past each other. I still feel like I have to tread lightly with him. I don't think I'm at much risk of being crushed, but he is, when he figures out that I'm not all that special and definitely not a solution to his problems. To his credit, when I gave him a warning, he seemed to completely get it.

Anyway, last night, I had a date with someone else (Mike). We just started chatting that day and he asked me to meet him and I said, why not? He proposed to come to my house with a bottle of wine, but I put the kibosh on that and we met for a drink. His whole approach was interesting--he asked me what he should see in DC and I assumed he was from out of town. But not at all! He was just curious and open to explore different parts of the city. I like that a lot. He said he wasn't stabby but sure we could meet elsewhere. I said I wasn't scared, it was just common sense. He got on board. He really wanted to watch the caucuses, and, even though I'd rather ignore electoral politics, I agreed. We had a pretty good time watching and talking about the candidates.  Even though I don't care, I had plenty to say! Once or twice I filled in a word he couldn't come up with and he complimented me (!) and made a little joke of it, saying I must be good at scrabble. No, I'm not. And we also had a joke about voter fraud--kids getting fake IDs so they could vote--because people bring their kids to the caucus--and some of the people registering looked so young. I also had a story about Mom taking me to a caucus in Seattle before they switched to a primary system. Somehow that morphed into a jokey conversation about who a civic-minded 10-year-old would vote for and how she would sneak into the caucus. The whole thing was very pleasant and low key, but clever. He walked me home, we stood awkwardly on the sidewalk, chatting, and he gave me a couple of goodbye hugs. I mumbled about wanting to see him again. I texted him (via the dating site) when I got home that I had fun. He asked for my number, which I sent. But he didn't text..I haven't heard from him. I am leaving it alone but it's kind of hard. He was an interesting guy, nice looking, and easy to talk to. I'd like to get a chance to see where it goes.

When I feel this positive about someone, I usually never hear from him again. (Marty doesn't count--he's in some other category.)  If I don't hear from Mike, it won't break my heart, but it would be so great if I did...

Grateful for: a little hope.

Sunday, January 31, 2016

Where am I?

Back in the day, I used to read a lot of blogs written by local DC folks and many of them were dating blogs. I still read blogs but most of them are about knitting or bicycles these days. Pretty much all of the DC blogs have closed up shop and all of the dating blogs I followed are done. Maybe there are new dating blogs out there but I haven't sought them out. I wonder if this blog has also died--it's certainly dying of neglect. I still hesitate to officially close or even re-brand because, sad to say--or maybe hope springs eternal?--I am still dating. I've had a couple of near misses with would-be boyfriends. I've rejected many potential suitors and all the ones I had an interest in rejected me. That's ok. I don't really regret any of those near misses. I don't look back over the last 5+ years of dating and think, "that one! If only things had worked out with THAT ONE." If I look further back, yes, there are a handful of men I think I could've had happy long(er) term relationships with. But even of those, there is maybe only one who I could've been with if I'd made different choices. I made those choices for a reason, so while I have some regrets, I know why I did what I did.

I've been dating pretty steadily the last year or so and I started keeping a list. The name, the date,and something memorable about him or the circumstances. Enough to a trigger the memory if I wanted to write it up. It's something I read about someone doing while she was online dating. It hasn't really helped me find Mr. Right but it is good to keep track. I wish I still met people in my day to day life, but online seems to be where it's at. Oh well. Better than nothing? Would it be better if I just went out to bars more often? I dunno.

I had a date on Friday. We went to a movie. We talked a bit before the movie started and he said, "Do you think it's worse to reject someone or to be rejected?" I said, "It's easier to be rejected but it feels better to do the rejecting." He didn't hear the second part of the sentence and said, "I just had to reject someone and I hate it. I hate confrontation." Well, that was enough to for me to think we weren't suited. I haven't heard from him since so he may have drawn the same conclusion--and if he never calls me again, then no one will have to actively reject anyone.

It made me think though, because I hate doing the rejecting. I hate it. But it feels better in the end because you know why you did it. You know why you didn't like him and there is no mystery. When I'm rejected, it's easier because I didn't have to decide--and deciding is a huge burden--but the mystery kills me. I hate not knowing why. What exactly was it about me that he didn't like? My looks? Did I talk too much? Was I judgmental, pretentious, ignorant? What was it? What did I do? Don't you realize that I'm a huge catch? That I'm one of the smartest most interesting people you will ever meet? How can YOU reject ME? Heh. Ok, I don't usually go that far in my inner monologue. But when I kinda like the guy and then I never hear from him again, it will niggle at me for several days. The good news is that I'm really good at letting it go. I accept the silence, I don't ask for an answer, and I move on. I've learned to let it go because the answers are never helpful. It's either really about him or it's something I can't or won't change. It might even be something that I've been trying to change for years...but all I can do is make tiny, tiny advances...and will probably never completely resolve. Learning to be a supervisor, I often say you have to meet people where they are. Same goes for relationships. And if someone doesn't like where I am, then we're both better off going our separate ways.

And, speaking of dating, I had a date with someone else on Saturday. We've been in "negotiations" for a while. He's not really available (trust me), but we have a good companionable text thing going on. We met for coffee a few weeks ago and I thought we were done, but the texting kept going and I got more engaged. We met again yesterday and we had mostly a good time. But...how do I explain? He has made it clear that he wants to be friends and that's where it ends. Fine. But we meet and I know, I know, that he wants to be my boyfriend. I feel it with a kind of certainty but I don't think he realizes it. This guy just needs a hug. He hasn't had a sincere hug for a really long time. Even I am not that bad off. And I don't know how I feel about him. I'm kind of rolling with it because there is something there...something I'm getting from talking to him. But I don't think he can give me what I want, not completely. He can give me a little and I'm taking it but in the long run it won't be good for either of us. I think I will just have to pay attention and make sure I'm not causing either of us real harm. Yeah, I can do that.

Grateful for: good neighbors who did their fair share of snow shoveling.

Saturday, December 12, 2015

Colors

A lot has been going on. I went out west for three weeks. With my siblings, step and half, I sorted through my dad's possessions choosing things to keep before they move to "senior housing." Then to Seattle for a week to fight a little with Mom and feel very tired. Took an overnight train from Chicago to CA. Such a great idea and not crazy expensive. Not the vacation I'd hoped for since I pretty much couldn't sleep. The motion wasn't restful. I also worked the two weeks I was visiting parents, which was a mixed bag.

All the men went away, which is more ok than I thought it would be. It's almost a relief. I had contact from someone I haven't seen for about two months, but my need to talk to him a little bit before we met killed it. Good riddance. I'm sure there will be more riduculous entglements in my future, but I can handle a lull. I have things to do. Closets to organize, junk to take to Goodwill. Bikes to ride. Friends to see. Places to visit. Books to read, movies to watch, things to knit. Companionship is nice for some of these things but I'm happy to do most of it on my own. And none of this batch of dudes was really available anyway. Anyway.

At a friend's advice, I got a copy of "What Color is Your Parachute." It's a job search guide. I have an old copy my mom gave me when I was in college or just out. I tried to read it but you have to do all these exercises and I didn't have the patience. And I found jobs. I still have a job, but I still don't like it, and management is a disaster. So...why not go through this book, take some time, do the exercises, and see if it helps me figure out if I should be doing something else? No point just finding another version of this shitty job. I'm also transferring to a different part of the firm so that will help, but I will still manage the nightmare project...sigh. Ok, so one of the exercises is to write seven (SEVEN!) stories. Well, I write, I have this blog, I decided I'd write them here. Just stop here if you're not interested. I don't know if these stories will be interesting. The point is to help figure out your skills. Ok, we know I have skills! Let's see where this goes.

Story #1: Stuck on the rod

Goal: get home from scooter rally

When I was 19, I went with a small group of guys to a scooter rally (Vespas mostly) in Victoria, BC (Canada). We towed our scooters up there because, even from Seattle, that's too much freeway riding for old scooters. Mine was a 1963 model and I'd never done anything but ride it around town. Never on the freeway because its max speed was 50mph. While on the rally, it developed several problems, the key one being that the bolts holding the fly wheel started to shear off while we traveled at high speeds. Scary and very loud! I had to ride pretty slow the rest of the time and stop periodically to tighten the two (of four) remaining bolts. I had a wrench with me and did this periodically. At slow speeds, I was fine. To get to Victoria, you take a ferry from Vancouver. The stretch of road after the ferry is where my problem developed. The rest of the time in Victoria was fine. On the way back, I start to have the same problem, and had to stop at lot. Apparently the more senior guy, Victor, in our group (4 dudes and me) had assigned one guy, Jerry, to stay behind me and stop when I stopped. I didn't like Jerry and Victor neglected to tell me their plan. Maybe they didn't want to hurt my feelings? Anyway, I pulled over to tighten the bolts. Jerry slowed down, I waved him on, and he went on. I tightened the bolts, then I straddled the scooter and pushed forward to get it off its kickstand. It wouldn't move. I couldn't figure out wht going on so I got off and turns out, my rear tire was flat. Now, over the weekend, I'd watched someone fix a flat. These were like bicycle tires and had inner tubes. I knew what I needed to do was get the tire off the wheel and patch the tube. I sat there, assuming more scooter people were behind me and someone would stop and help. After mabye 15-20 minuties, I realized my assumption was wrong. I was the last rider and no one was coming. And, obviously, they hadn't noticed I was missing. So, I sat there on the side of the road, pulled out my adjustable cresent wrench...and it was too small to fit the wheel lugs. Around then, some bicyclists rode up and they stopped to see what was wrong. One of them suggested I take the tire off and bring it to the gas station across the road. We tried my wrench--too small. He pulled one out--it was much bigger and it worked. And random bicycle dude took my wheel off for me. He then suggested we trade wrenches and even said mine was better for him anyway--more suited to bikes! They rode off.

I took the wheel and crossed the highway to the gas station. Unfortunately, the garage part was closed becuase it was CANADA DAY. What the hell? I tried to talk them into letting me into the garage to access their tools and a tire patch. They wouldn't budge. I don't think they offered to call a tow truck, though that would've been the obvious solution. I went back across the road to the scooter and sat down. I imagined a lot of things. Hitchhiking somewhere with the tire, perhaps. That my "friends" had completely forgotten me. That I had to figure out how to get home somehow. That I had my mom's credit card and if I could just get off Vancouver Island, I could find a way to get home. I had a beer with me and I drank it.

I took a look around and noticed there were some houses just off the main road. That's when I decided I would go knock on someone's door and ask to use their phone...to call a tow truck, I guess. I'm not sure I had a plan.

I went to the nearest house and knocked. I can't remember if I was carrying the wheel...that might've been a little later. A middle aged guy answered the door. He was on the phone--and he said, "I have to go. I have a lady in distress here." He invited me in and I explained what had happened. He said he coud help me and his neighbor had a motorcycle and maybe could fix the tire. I think that's when we went back to the scooter and got the wheel. I carried the wheel to the neighbor's garage. We rummaged around a bit but coudn't find the right tools to take off the tire. We went back to the house and he offered to drive me to a different garage he thought would be open.

We got in the car--which was fancy. A BMW perhaps? I held the wheel in my lap and he used his car phone (car phone--fancy!) to try and call the ferry to see if my friends were there. Maybe to try and hold the boat? We got to garage, which was open, and in less than 15 minutes, they fixed the tire (by patching the tube) and charged me $6 dollars (Canadian--even less back then). The kind stranger drove me back to the scooter and put the wheel back on for me. He then apologized a bunch for having to go and not being able to make sure I got to the ferry. During the car ride he'd told me he'd had a Vespa when he was younger. Of course he had! I was so grateful but don't think I thanked him adequately.

I rode the scooter very slowly to the ferry. I got on the ferry and finally relaxed. I bought a snack and a trashy novel and tried to distract myself. I was still trying to figure out what I would do when I got to the other side. I guess I would've called my mother and figured out how to get back to Seattle. When I was getting off the ferry, I noticed Jerry in the line to get back on the ferry. I was flooded with relief. They hadn't forgotten me! He peeled off and we sat in the waiting area for Victor and the other guys to come with the trailer.

Jerry said he was going to find me no matter what it took. I didn't have much to say to him. I found out later, riding back with Victor, about how Jerry was supposed to stick with me and make sure I didn't get left behind. When they had all boarded the ferry, someone said they saw me--my scooter was bright yellow. When they realized I wasn't on board, they tried to get off, but they weren't allowed. They were really angry at Jerry and worried about me.

What did I learn? There is always a solution to a problem. Come up with a contingency plan. Don't refuse help.

Grateful for: surviving youthful misadventures.

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Overload

The last couple of weeks have been a bit overwhelming. I was in Alabama for work less than a week after I came back from my eventful NY visit. I had a couple of days downtime. Worked from home on a Friday. Cleaned the house the best I could over the weekend. Went to a party on Saturday afternoon that lasted into the night. Recovered and cleaned some more on Sunday. Then to Alabama--the last state I had left on my list. That's right--I've officially been to all 50 states now--meaning at a minimum I ate a meal there, though usually it also means I spent the night. Back from AL, I went the next day to a wedding. I drove there--it was only 1.5 hours away. Spent the night. Drove back and went straight to the company picnic. Then home to our 2nd annual block party. I was so tired!

The next day both Spesh and my eldest brother (B1) arrived for visits. I had space and they said it was ok. Other than sleeping in the same room, they didn't interact much. B1 was busy doing work things and seeing friends other than me. Doubt I would've been included in more even if Spesh weren't around, so perhaps the timing was fortuitous.

That meant that every night--Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday--was a social event. In the mean time, some texting with the guy from NY. Sporadic because he's in a kind of hell while his 20-something sibling slowly and painfully departs this world. Then also texting with a guy I met 2 years ago. We had one bizarre but not terrible date. He sent me a naked pic and I cut him off. I never blocked his number, though. He texted me on Saturday and didn't know who I was at first, but he remembered me. He was not quite as frantic as I remembered. He played nice and we ended up getting together on Thursday--the day after everyone went home. Well, Spesh went to another friend. Same friend who he stayed one night with on his last visit. And it pissed me off to no end that time. This time, I still didn't like it, but at least I was mentally prepared. I met them all for dinner Wednesday and then went off to a mixer for a dating site and it was pretty terrible.

On Thursday, I could barely move. I was just wrung out. But work was also non-stop. I worked from home. And in the late afternoon, I met Simon. I'm not really sure what I was thinking but I don't regret seeing him. We had a good time and the date ended early enough that I still got a good night's sleep.

I worked from home again on Friday. I had a headache but also the thought of going to the office made me clench my jaw and introduce a whole other kind of pain. I made some coffee, took all my calls, answered all my emails, and even did some of my report editing. That damn report will be the death of me. I don't even know how many hours I've spent on it by now. The whole thing is absurd.

Simon did text me the next day, like he said he would. I gave him the chance to show me. But I don't even know what I think about him. He's interesting. He is probably not boyfriend material. But neither is the guy in NY, who doesn't even really live in NY. And Spesh already has a new girlfriend because of course he does. It was good to see him. I ribbed him a little but we didn't fight. He said he was missing the intellectual stimulation of having me (and another old friend, Will) around. That was nice. I actually miss that too. I don't think I get the kind that interaction with any of my other friends...though my life doesn't feel like a vapid unstimulating wasteland. It feels spotted with good friends I don't see enough and a variety of new friends and activities that keep me jumping. I want things I don't have, but the things I have are good. I'm not lonely. Even if I miss Spesh, Seattle friends, and random men who I will never see again.

Grateful for: a full social life.

Sunday, October 04, 2015

Special

I'm sitting in the coffee shop, per usual. When am I ever writing to you from anywhere else? It's Sunday. I am trying and failing to do work. Like, completely failing. I was out last night. I drank a lot. My head is fuzzy. I don't have a headache but I also have no focus. I'm also a little sad. I met someone last week...no, earlier this week...who I really like. I just feel done. Like, if I could actually meet this person and if there were anyway it would work out to be with him, I'd be happy. But it's not like that. It can't be like that. I was in New York for work. I met him online. He was there because his sibling is very ill. We decided to have a drink--he needed the distraction and I was like, what the heck. I was working the next day, but in a support role. I figured I wouldn't stay out that late. I was planning to have a drink with him. I'd gotten the idea that he had a girlfriend back home (he's American but lives in Europe) so I didn't have anything else in mind. (I'm not 100% sure he doesn't have a gf, but I didn't ask--I don't think so, though.) Anyway, we met for a drink around 10pm. We talked. I talked. He smoked. He ordered an undrinkable drink and he wouldn't send it back. When the waiter came to check on us, I said the drink was undrinkable and we got a new one. I think he was relieved. We only had that one drink. Then took a walk, far north into even further north Harlem. I realized I couldn't walk back to my hotel alone. So, he walked back with me. The hotel had a sort of sunken courtyard in front of theentrance and we sat there and he smoked and we talked. And I told him the plot...the entire plot...of an incredibly stupid movie I'd watched part of earlier that day. And I tried to decide if I'd invite him up but by then, I think I had decided. The idea was that we would watch a stupid movie. We lay back on the king sized bed, each in our separate spaces and watched a really stupid movie. I did most of the heckling. We didn't touch for a long time. And then I had my head on his shoulder and he had his arm around me and it felt just right, like I could stay there a long time.

This seems like just the beginning. We were up late, late, but he fell asleep around 5:30. I don't think I slept. He snored and made other strange noises. I had to get up around 7:00 for work, so I woke him up. I was late, I was so tired. After we left the hotel, he walked to me to the main street so I could catch a cab. And I helped him find the subway so he could visit his sister. And I was having a hard time keeping my balance and he held my hand. We stood on that corner saying goodbye, hugging and kissing, until I broke away to get in my cab.

We have been in touch by email/text since then. A little a day, not a constant barage. But that was Tuesday and this is Sunday and it's not very long. And he doesn't live here and he's very, very sad. And I'm sad. I know he's kind of a messy person in general, not just becuase of his current family catastrophe. I figure there's no future and I'm not hopeful about it or sad about it. Except I am sad about it and I wish I would see him again. I said he could come visit, but I don't think he will though he asked how long the train ride was. I just...it's just not about that. I was already shutting things down. A few days before I met him--let's call him JT--I turned off the dating site I've been usuing. Too many junk messages were coming my way and I coudn't deal. I can turn it back on, but for now, it's quiet. I met JT on an app, and I wrote to him first. Expecting nothing because guys don't usually answer. But after Tuesday, I checked back in one more time to change my status to take out the mention of being in NY and then I turned it off too. So, I'm not online in those venues.

So regardless of what happens with JT, I am on a break. I could feel it coming for a while. The dating was starting to feel overwhelming. Work feels overwhelming. I am tired. I am dissatisfied. I need a vacation. I want to quit. I want to work on the paper I wrote a million years ago that is getting cited even though it's unpublished. I want to write again but I don't know what about. I don't know how to find the time to let myself just think. Just settle. I am taking a vacation starting in late October. The first part is a long train ride to the west coast (flying to Chicago and starting from there) and I'm really looking forward to it. Things are very busy for the next two weeks but I need to find some little quite spot in these weeks or I think I may lose it--I may get angry at someone who doesn't deserve it. I may lash out and I don't want to do that. I want to be my kind, calm, generous, happy ideal self. Or at least be reserved enough to keep my bad shit to myself.

Oh I am so tired.

Grateful for: oh you know.